Back at it and throwing away the scales!

Did Christmas actually happen?! It already feels yonks ago that I was lying on the sofa watching Christmas specials and eating my body weight in chocolate. Can every day be Christmas please? Hope everyone isn't feeling too exhausted after their first week back.

Happenings

So much to catch up on!

My last few days of holiday were nice and relaxed. I was back home in London and whilst some of it was spent cleaning out rooms and de-Christmassifying the flat (does anyone else feel guilty leaving their part-of-the-family-for-the-last-month Christmas tree outside to be picked up?!) we did do a few nice things.

We went for a lovely walk along the river into Richmond where we had a coffee - or in my case a delicious spiced apple drink. Exactly what I needed to warm my frozen hands!

We also went to the ZOO!! I haven't been to the zoo in yeeeears. I'm always very dubious about zoos and am worried that the animals haven't got enough space or nice enough living conditions. On this occasion everything seemed great on the whole.

I was also amazed at just how many situation there were the animals were roaming free! There were ants roaming free, a bird house which you could walk through, and a monkey enclosure you could walk through. The monkeys were so much fun and so cheeky! I had one jump on me and try and steal my headphones from my bag! They certainly weren't shy.

And there were some times just chilled out on the sofa with a blanket and a good film.

Maybe the most significant life event that happened though was....throwing away my scales! These things do so much more damage than good. I've not weighed myself for a good few months, but for some reason had been putting off throwing them away. Well, now they're gone!

The week back at work has been a bit of a culture shock. I'm back working away from home again which has meant living off all that M&S provides. I've missed the South Coast sunrises though!

Movings

I RAN A 10K!!!! The first week I was back in London I really wasn't feeling the runs. I missed the beautiful countryside from back at my parents' and I was craving sleep. So on the Sunday I left my garmin at home and decided to go out for a nice, easy 5k rather than pushing a longer one. Somewhere along the way I had a huge mental shift and ended up running 2 loops. It was tough, but SO GOOD! I'm putting it down to new running gear (who said you need to be colour coordinated?!)! I'd forgotten how much I love the longer runs - that extra time gives my brain that bit longer to unwind.

In fact I was so excited by the whole I signed up to the Cancer Research Winter Run 10k on 1st February! Little bit scared...

Unfortunately (and kind of unsurprising) my muscles weren't a fan and I've got some pain in my foot. I still got out for 2 4-5ks over the week (and returned to this gorgeous sunrise) and did a couple of yoga sessions, but today I decided it was getting worse. So I'm sulking, looking out at the beautiful weather and wishing I was out there training for the event. Never mind...I know deep down it's the sensible option.

Eatings

A lot of buckwheat and rice porridge. Favourite combination so far is coconut milk, sultanas, cinnamon and maple syrup. Yum!

Some cereal bowls when I've been in a rush

Some amazing smoked tofu

Home made miso soup

M&S provisions

Canteen surprises - this bean chilli was amazing!

Thinkings

This week has been a bit tough on the old grey matter. I missed the ability to follow my meal plans and having the stress of deciding what to eat removed. I really had to try hard when living off M&S to try and go for balanced meals and meeting my calorie needs. And there were times at the end of the week where I was at home and hadn't meal planned, and my eating went haywire. I am getting there though...slowly. My therapist had to remind me this week that the meal plan was a guide to help get my eating back on track - not a law of what I had to follow for the rest of my life. I needed to hear that!

My anxiety hasn't been tooooo bad this week :) My therapist gave me a form to fill out when I had anxious foods which was really helpful to use. It gets you to talk about the situation, the thoughts going through your head, the physical sensations, what thoughts would have helped balance out the negative thoughts, and how I tried and could try to reduce the anxiety. Really useful to try out - makes me feel so much more control. Something else that really helped was my therapist saying anxiety is just a weigh up of the potential danger versus the control we perceive we have. And perceptions can always be changed!


Anyway, hope you've all had a fabulous first week back and are still full of all the motivation and hope that January brings.

Make a new ending

Hi all!

Just wanted to drop in super quickly this Autumnal Friday morning (urgh, dark mornings already) as I'm up early to get out for a quick walk and to get on with packing for the move tomorrow.

There's something about moving that gives a feeling of a fresh start (especially in September!).

I found this quote and it felt so applicable to me right now. All my eating issues have happened, and I have wasted quite a lot of my life as a result of that and the self-esteem issues that we all have. Sometimes it feels like my life will always be defined by these things. However whatever mistakes we've made in the past don't have to be mistakes that we keep on making.

So decide who you want to be, and realise that that CAN be your new ending.

Have a great Friday and an even better weekend lovelies!

What would your ending be?

E xxx

We are mountains

Sometimes (actually, far more regularly than just “sometimes”) my therapist says something that makes me go “woah, YES”. She puts things into a way that I have never comprehended. For that second, life all fits together and I feel STRONG. I can overcome my problems.

There are two related things she’s said recently. The first was that thought patterns and behaviours are just habits, and habits can be changed. The second was that thoughts to us are what weather are to mountains (go with me on this one!).

She’s totally right!

How many of us think changing a bad habit is achievable? Most of us, right? Sure, it’s going to be hard, a long process, and a bit of a pain, but it’s possible! If our eating behaviours are just habits, then we can change these in exactly the same way. For some reason I’d never thought of all of my problems as habits. I saw them as cemented to me and my being, refusing to be moved without completely changing myself. That's so far from the truth.

Her second point about us being mountains and our thoughts being the weather started off with a visualisation exercise. I was told to visualise a mountain, strong, unmovable, rooted to the ground. The mountain stands there no matter what the weather throws at it: it's defiant and strong. I then was told to bring the mountain inside of myself, to feel rooted to the ground to see the weather changing around me, just like the thoughts that come and pass over us. Sometimes they’re dark like clouds; sometimes they beat us up like the wind; and sometimes they bring us happiness and warm our souls like the sun. But they always pass and throughout we are the strong, rooted person.

We have to remember that our brains are not static. We learn, we forget, we can change ourselves. We can learn not to think badly about ourselves, we can learn not to mess around with our eating, we can learn to have a good relationship with food. These are all good habits that we can learn and we will also unlearn our bad habits. If we were not capable of this we’d all still be wearing nappies, we'd never would say please and thank you, and we'd never would look before crossing the road.

And whilst we work to try and change our habits, we need to remember that thoughts are only a minor part of us. Our thoughts are fleeting and can go as quickly as they come. Yes they can be painful and cause us damage, but they can equally be uplifting and make us feel thankful to be alive. We have the control as to how much our thoughts affect us:  we can draw our awareness to them and simply watch as they pass on. We do not have to try and bury our thoughts, or dwell on them, or let them dictate our emotion.

We are mountains, and we are strong and unbreakable.

Weekend roundup - can I pack the cat?

Hi all! Hope you had a good weekend and are looking forward to getting your weeks started.

I crammed a lot in to the last couple of days. Priority number one was getting as much of my stuff packed up as possible ready for next weekend's move (the tenancy agreement's all signed and deposit's paid so it's actually happening!). I mostly succeeded, though there's quite a bit still to do.

I'm wondering whether anyone will notice if I sneak the cat in.

Part of packing included me going through my wardrobe to throw out what no longer fits. I cried, alot. It was hard to find that clothes that I'd fitted in to for years now wouldn't do up or squeeze over my thighs. However, something I did do which I've never done before was throw those clothes straight on the "out" pile. Normally they'd have gone in the "keep" pile ready for when I'd slimmed back down. It's finally starting to sink in that that was not my natural size...and I'm never going to be that size again. Such a change in my thought pattern.

Yesterday also consisted of getting my hair cut (for the first time in about 7 months...oh the shame). I kept it safe as it was a new hairdresser, but kinda wished I'd done something a bit different. Next time.

My hair was poker straight when I came out of the hairdresser's. 10 minutes later and it already had kinks in it....

I refuelled with Whole Foods.

Those Rebel Mylk drinks are the shizz. Coconut milk base, sweetened with dates, and totally yum.

On Sunday I managed some form of exercise without too much of a negative impact on my stupid foot injury. I started off with this yoga workout from Tara Lee. It's pretty much the lowest intensity you could ask for, but makes you feel really connected with yourself and surroundings and was exactly what I was needing.

I also went out to the monthly Kew Market and then walked along the river to Richmond. I needed to get away from the house where I'd probably end up mindlessly eating. It was a stunning day and to reward myself for getting out in the beauty I rewarded myself with a Nakd bar and Pret. It was the perfect way to end the weekend.

What was the highlight of your weekend?

E xxx

September goals

How is it September already?!

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I was dreading September. The dark mornings, lack of sunshine, cooler weather, the pressures of every one being back at work after the holidays.

However I've actually really liked the fresh feeling of a new start that September brings. And whilst the Christmas chocolates in the supermarkets are a step too far at this point (seriously Tesco?!), I'm excited for the baggy jumpers, cosy coats, coffee shop dates after work when it's dark, beautiful amber trees...all the lovely things Autumn and Winter bring.

I wanted to set some goals for September. Normally I feel the pressure to do everything all in one go: I'm an all or nothing kind of person. And I used to thrive on that approach (hello successful disordered eating history), but not anymore. Now I'm constantly riddled by the feeling of failure. So let's make some smaller, bite size, achievable goals.

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3 health and fitness goals:

• Get my foot healed and pick back up the running. I'm totally feeling the desire to train for a half marathon again, but let's not get ahead of myself. My injury's put me out of action for some time, so I doubt I'll even be able to run a 5k!
• Eat my 5 a day. I know it's a simple one, but it's something I'm failing miserably at the moment. I've taken eating more as an excuse to eat a lot of crap, which has probably been necessary to get everything I've restricted in the past out in the open, but I'm feeling awful. Give me nutrients!
• Wean myself off the gluten. My dietitian recommended that I get tested for coeliac's on the off chance it had caused my anaemia and B12 deficiency. Unfortunately for that I've had to eat bread for the last few weeks to make sure the antibodies, if I do have coeliac's, are in my blood system. And doing this has given me brain fog, stomach ache, and general feelings of blah. I've got my blood test tomorrow, then just need to wait for the results, but not long til I can ease up on the gluten intake! The problem is that toast is one of my favourite foods, so it's going to be a battle of brain over heart to stop eating as much of it.

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3 life goals:

• Move into the new flat! Me and my boyfriend are moving in together next weekend and I am beyond excited. I'm excited for getting to see him all the time (when I'm not away with work at least), excited for living somewhere we can really make feel like home, and excited for not living in a shoebox. What I'm not excited for is lugging all of our stuff up 3 flights of stairs.
• Walks along the river. We'll be living closer to the Thames in the new flat, and I want to use this an excuse for some after-work and weekend walks as the leaves turn.
• Do daily mindfulness. My therapist got me doing a mountain visualisation (I'll talk about it in a future post) and it is seriously helping me out during tough times. I need to keep practising this daily to make sure the thought patterns involved stick.

What are your goals for September?

E xxx

Those photos

So a few days ago I posted these pictures. When I first saw these each one made me feel a whole wealth of negative emotions. (Please bear in mind this was my "disordered, not seeing my body realistically" head on. I'm not saying people of this weight are in any way "large").

There was disgust, regret, horror, shock, self-hatred…and sorrow that my Mum’s friends would see me and think how their friend’s daughter had piled on some pounds.

This last emotion took me by surprise, I’m not going to lie.

I went through many years of not having photos taken because I didn’t want people to have a reminder of what I looked like. I would detag any photos that were taken and posted on Facebook because I didn’t want anyone to see them. But that was all within my field of friends – people who knew me well, and whose judgements would impact on me directly.

This was something different. My feelings were concern for my Mum: what her friends would think of her family, or rather her daughter. I know how parents are proud of their family, and that to some respect there is competition between friends and acquaintances as to who has the most successful family (just a point: this is not something my Mum has ever made me feel, more that this is something I’ve observed just generally). My brothers have turned out to be very sensible (in most ways), kind and thoughtful (though sometimes not to their big sis) and good looking (who’d have thought?!) individuals. To me the photos showed a happy collection of people, all who have their lives and s*** together…and then there’s me. Someone who is happy to let their figure slip (or so appears) and look a mess. That's how my Mum's friends would perceive me, and I felt that for some reason that would cause them to reflect negatively on my Mum. Ridiculous no?!

Writing Monday’s post helped me sort my head out. It helped me to rationalise my thoughts, remember the bigger picture, and get over myself. Seeing those photos brought a whole host of emotions, and identified new thought patterns for me to work to change. It made me realise how much I want to make my Mum proud. But on reflection I realised the way to make my Mum proud was not through the superficial achievement of being the skinniest daughter amongst her group of friends, but by recovering and leading the life they envisioned me having: a carefree, happy, and healthy life. 

And isn't that the life we should all envision for ourselves?

 

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E xxx

It turns out recovery is hard...

My feelings over the last couple of months have gone something like this:

"Oh my God life's freaking awesome and I'm eating and not thinking about calories and wow food and eating is amazing"

to

 

"Yeah so I'm not eating that healthily, and yeah, I'm not as toned as before, but heck, who cares - imperfections make us who we are"

 

to

 

 

"Woah, there nelly, I've got as much blubber as a walrus"

Photos were the catalyst of this last one. I knew I was piling on a bit of extra fat (well, duh, I'm eating more) but my Mum put some photos up on Facebook of some recent family events (just for the record, family events that I LOVED because I was able to join in, not care about eating or drinking, and for once be relaxed and enjoy the event). However the photos made me cry, shudder, and immediately contemplate fasting, juice cleansing, restricting, food group elimination, excessive exercising...the usual.

These were some of the photo culprits:

My initial thoughts on these photos:
Image on the left: Well hello there thunder thighs, and wow your arm's looking chunky
Image on the top right: Your hips are humongous and, erm, are you pregnant?!
Image on the bottom right: Are you hoarding food in those hamster cheeks? Oh, and by the way, your arm's obese.

Talk about some self-loathing.

Let's take another look. Firstly, I AM NOT OBESE. After the initial shock of looking so much bigger than I was, I realised I was not fat. Hell, I know some people work there backsides off to get down to this weight.

Image on the left: this is not a flattering photo. You did not know it was being taken. Those are your muscular runner's legs, those are your legs that can make you feel like you're flying. They're also in jeans that are now too small, and too tight clothes are never looking flattering. Maybe let's splash out on some new clothes to suit my curvier, healthier body yes? Oh, and how about looking at your other arm which is at a slightly less unflattering angle?
Image on the top right: again, that shadowing is not flattering. And yeah, you're tummy's a bit chunkier. But some of that is muscle from all those sit-ups you do. You also messed up your digestion from all that restrictive eating, so sometimes you get bloated. Eating more's the only way to cure this. (And look at that genuinely happy smile on your face - you're loving life right there).
Image on the bottom right: remember those push ups you do every day...that might have something to do with your arm size. Also remember how much you love feeling strong. As for your cheeks, unfortunately you weren't blessed with strong cheek bones and dimples - you're going to have to learn those cheeks.

And remember how happy you felt in each and every one of those photos. That's worth every extra inch of fat on your body in those photos.

So yeah, it turns out recovery is hard. But you've just got to remember to dig out that voice of self-love when it gets a bit dark. You're stronger than those negative thoughts.

Wearing a bikini and a new reality

So I did it. I wore a bikini. In front of other people.

I genuinely don't remember the last time I wore a bikini without covering it up with shorts and a t-shirt. Just the thought of showing off every inch of fat on my body filled me with dread. I thought people would scrutinise all the imperfect parts of my body - not just my weight, but my pale skin; my cellulite; my untoned stomach; my poorly done bikini wax; my varicose veins...the list goes on.

I felt like the moment I took off my clothes it was going to be like there a was a massive siren going off accompanied by a big flashing arrow, with everyone turning round to gawp in disgust. I thought my boyfriend would see me and automatically hate me for all of my imperfections. And none of this was because anyone had ever done these things - my boyfriend certainly not, he's amazingly supportive - but that didn't stop my disordered brain thinking disordered things.

I couldn't come on a beach holiday and sit covered up the whole time, so I locked myself in the bathroom for quite some time, gave myself a pep talk, and braved the beach. To my amazement, as I stripped off there was no flashing light or loud sound. Unsurprisingly noone was looking in my direction, nor cared one tiny bit that I was stripping off into my bikini. And, of course, my boyfriend didn't look at me like I was some ugly lump of fat. Which isn't surprising as, not only is it not something he's not seen before, but surely something every boyfriend wants is to spend time with their girlfriend in a bikini?!

So where did I pick up the courage from? After all, I have done zero exercise and eaten poorly for the past few weeks, am almost the heaviest I've been for years, amd am covered in bruises from carrying stuff round at the exhibition...so I'm not exactly in peak condition!

As I've mentioned in previous posts, the last few weeks I've had a new found relaxed attitude to eating. I've no idea where it's come from, but it's given me the head space to look at things in a new way. Before I would have been so caught up in my negative thoughts that I wouldn't have had any time to do anything other than panic. However being more relaxed has given me time to think about the situation I'm in and to look around me. At first I still found myself idolising people with tiny frames...and then once again realised that they were the bodies of teenagers. Which just made me angry with myself - adults are not supposed to look like children! Once I started looking around me at actual adults I saw women of all different shapes and sizes, all wearing bikinis and all looking amazing. No one was looking at them in a negative way at all.

One of the key reasons they looked so amazing was because they were all exuding confidence. I'm not going to pretend I know what was going through their heads (I'm sure they all have body hang-ups) but they were sat there acting like they were loving life, and wearing a bikini was neither here nor there for them. When I looked at them I didn't see their body type, I saw fantastically happy and confident women. And that's how I wanted to feel: happy, confident and carefree! Why should I be the woman sat on the beach covered up because of my own negative thoughts?!

And that's exactly it: we are our own worst enemies. We impose our own views on the world around us - if we think negatively about ourselves then we often think the world thinks the same about us. If we're judging ourselves on our bodies, then we assume everyone else is doing the same. In reality, people are often far too caught up in their own lives to notice other people. And even if they do, and they think something negatively about our bodies, so what? They may have a more toned stomach than you, or a more tanned complexion, but if they're judging us negatively based on our looks then their personality and good nature - the important things in life - don't even come close to yours.

The biggest favour we can do ourselves is to reevaluate the norms we've created for our own individual realities. Do they actually match the norms that really exist? I built myself a reality in which I thought everyone has the perfect bikini body, no one has cellulite, everyone has perfect skin, and everyone judges you based on your looks. In true reality the norms are that hardly anyone is so skinny you can see their ribs, that most women have cellulite and people don't spend their days judging you based on their looks.

I know this shouldn't have been such a revelation to me, but it was. As a result it gave me the confidence to sit on that beach, knowing I wasn't perfect, and not care. Being surrounded by women in bikinis, appreciating every woman for her own shape and size, made me realise how uptight and unrealistic I was being. And by being that way, not just in terms of wearing a bikini, but in every aspect of my life, from eating, to relationships, to work, I was denying myself the space to be truly happily and live my life to the fullest. Living your life terrified of other people's judgements, and your own self-judgements, is a half life. Recognise reality for what it is, and then be present in it - wear a bikini, eat chips, and smile :)

When you're too busy to worry about food

Oh how I’ve missed blog time. I’ve missed it so so much! Unfortunately, the last few weeks were absolutely crazy, and as my life and income didn’t depend on the blog, that was the one thing that had to take a back seat. There were so many times I wanted to just put some thoughts on a page though!

The last few months I’ve been organising my company’s involvement in a large conference, including running a fringe event and an exhibition stand…and last week it took place! It was pretty much non-stop 24/7 for that and the preceding week, and to top it all off I had a job interview to turn my graduate position into a permanent position in the same week. I was running a fringe event at 7am in the morning, packing up the exhibition and event until early afternoon and then quick-stepped it onto a train to Woking from the south coast to just make it to the interview on time. I was running on my last bit of adrenaline at this point.

But everything was so worth it – the conference was a success (albeit not up to my perfectionist standards!) and the interview went well enough for me to get one of the jobs J

I stupidly thought this week would be nice and relaxed as a result. How wrong I was! I ended up travelling from the South coast up to Manchester for a new project on Monday and then was commuting the 2 hours from my parents’ house up to the office for a couple of days. It’s always so exciting when you start a new project, but also equally exhausting as you try and learn everything you need. With that and trying to wrap up everything from the conference and get everything sorted out for when I was out of office I’m pretty sleep-deprived!

I was hoping to spend some quality time with my family whilst I’d been staying at home this week, but it just didn’t happen which I’m annoyed at myself for. It was one of the few times that me, my brothers and parents were all in the same place. I did take yesterday off for brother’s graduation – I was one super-duper proud sister (though I can’t believe he’s old enough to have gone through uni already!), but I really had such little energy to participate. Still, an amazing day that I was so grateful to be there to celebrate!

However, the two most remarkable things that have happened these last few weeks were body image-related.

The first is that I could barely tell you how many calories I’ve eaten each day (but it’s been a lot). And I’ve just not had the time to be concerned with what I’m eating – I’ve had to grab food when I can and it’s often been additive-ridden supermarket cheese sandwiches full of fat and sugar and calories. This isn’t a diet that I would advocate(!) but to be relaxed enough to allow myself to do this is quite an achievement. I’m not saying there wasn’t any guilt, and yes there were times when I thought about restricting to compensate, but I talked myself round and compared to normal it’s been a total transformation.

The second thing is that I have done basically no planned exercise. In the last 2 weeks I’ve been on one run and done about 10 minutes of yoga. Sleep just had to take priority. I definitely wouldn’t say I’ve enjoyed not being active, but it’s because I’ve missed the feeling of exercise, not because I’m panicking about weight gain.

Like I’ve said, this is not a lifestyle I advocate: exercise and eating well is fundamental to our wellbeing, but we shouldn’t be uptight about it. Why add extra stress into our lives? Sometimes we can’t eat perfectly and we just have to eat what we can in those circumstances, and a few weeks of fewer good eats is not going to kill us.

I’m off on holiday today to Singapore and then Bali (I was dreading a 12+ hour flight, but now I’m seeing it as an excellent opportunity to catch up with some sleep!) which I’m super excited about. There are things that fill me with dread: wearing a bikini (I don’t remember the last time I did that – even at my thinnest I was too self-conscious); eating out all the time; having a sudden outburst of all the disgust that I’ve so far avoided feeling from the last few weeks. I just want to maintain that relaxed attitude that I have for the last couple of weeks. I want to enjoy my holiday and relax and be a normal human being.

I’m hoping to do some blogging whilst I’m away so hopefully I’ll get some blog posts up over the next week and a half. I imagine there’ll be some thoughts to share on bikini wearing…

I’ll also be around on Twitter and Instagram for those of you who like a good photo or two…

Have a fabulous weekend…see you in Singapore!

Meals and gratitude #21

I am in a ridiculously good mood!

As soon as I packed up my stuff at work I was literally skipping out of the door!

Maybe it's all the good food I've had?

Breakfast: unpictured cherries and nuts - unpictured because I was all over the place with meetings, people stealing my desk...

Lunch: a repeat of yesterday but with popcorn (although I ended up having this as an afternoon snack) - salad, houmous, spanish omelette. Good combo if you ask me. It felt like a whooooole lotta food though.

If someone tells me how to rotate an image in Blogger, I'll be your biggest fan.

Dinner: A rice, aubergine and lentil salad which was possibly one of the most garlicky things I've ever eaten. Just as well I'm eating alone tonight...and I love garlic. And I also had some more strawberries. THIS ADDICTION HAS TO STOP.

 

 

Gratitude:

- I imagine a lot of my good mood was due to the beautiful surroundings. I sometimes honestly can't believe how stunning this place is. It just makes me completely forget any troubles I have and feel like the luckiest gal alive. Plus I get to run along that - that makes one happy runner.

- Ed Sheeran's new album. Love. Love. Love.

- A productive work meeting this morning.

What was the highlight of your day?

E x

Monday motivation #7

Hi guys!

This is going to be a long week for me. It starts off with the exam today, I have a heap of work to do, I've got not only my therapy appointment on Thursday but a dietician appointment this evening, and I have to do a job application for Friday to allow me to stay at my current company...

So my blog posts might be a bit on the light side this week - I apologise now. I'll try and keep up with my daily round-up, and will of course be on Twitter and Instagram!

However I still wanted to provide you guys with some motivation this Monday morning (and I sure need it too!)

I do indeed hope you have a nice day :)

When I saw this on pinterest this weekend it instantly made me think. We never see the negative things we say to ourselves as "nasty". But sometimes we can be ridiculously nasty to ourselves. How about we try and stop all that negativity and tell ourselves how fantastic we are?! Because we are ALL absolutely amazing and unique and each and every one of us can be a gift to this world if we realise this :)

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Pretty much 24/7 the air has been filled with the smells of BBQs this weekend. I'm not gonna lie, I LOVE the smell of BBQs. I know I shouldn't: as a veggie/almost vegan the smell of cooking meat should repulse me, but it really doesn't! I was going to post some amazing image of a vegan BBQ, but then I saw THIS! Healthy fruit can just look so darn pretty.

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How amazing is that?! If anyone has a go at recreating this then pleeeease send me photos - it looks so much fun :)

Hope that's left you feeling motivated for the week. Have a great Monday!

E x

Meals and gratitude #19

Hi everyone!

I'm writing this to you with the World Cup match on in the background. I'm normally really not a footie fan, but have always watched at least 1 England match during each World Cup over the years, so this is my token watching!

It's been a fairly good eating day today!

It started off with some 0% fat greek yoghurt and frozen strawberries (they're just not as good frozen!).

 At lunch I had a salad containing lettuce, olives, pepper, cucumber, tomatoes, courgette and yummy houmous. Love the houmous.

I also had an apple just after.

On my way to my therapy session this afternoon I used my Holland and Barrett voucher and picked up these crisps and YoYo fruit rolls.

 Houmous in form 2! I barely got chance to open these before my appointment (plus I always feel guilty for eating just before I go to the sessions, which I realise is crazy!) so I finished them off on my tube journey home. So good.

Because I'd just eaten these and I got back late I didn't want to do huge amouts of food prep so I had this 2 minute dinner.

I know it looks like mush in a bowl, but it's one of my favourite evening treats. Frozen berries warmed in the microwave with cocoa powder and agave. The cocoa and agave mix with the berry juices to form a sauce :) On the side was rye toast.

  

A bit over on sugar, but my carbs, protein, and fat ratio was almost spot on today!

Gratitude

- Yoga for runners - my legs and hips are so stiff it's unbelievable!

- Cutest little girl on the train into work waving at everybody :)

- Being at home

Do you watch the World Cup?

E x

Thursday thoughts: Binging

Binging.

There are so many different levels of binging.

For some people, someone might say they've binged on chocolate simply if they've eaten a single chocolate bar out of an emotional reason.

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 Others may classify a binge as munching your way through an entire share size bag of crisps or chocolate.

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And then there's the binging where you just have to get as much food inside you as quickly as possible, you're not really tasting the food, and you end up with a stomach that's so full that you're in agony, you can barely move, and you want to throw up.

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I've never purged, but I can understand exactly why people do. If not to rid themselves of the calories and the negative emotional feelings, just easing the pain would be enough.

Plus there are the feelings the following day. I won't have slept because of the pain and anxiety and sweats. I'll feel disgusted and ashamed, like I don't even deserve to be a human being. I'm bloated, gassy, my stomach aches, my blood sugar levels are all over the place, and I don't want to be around anyone. 


To me the binge feels like a craze - I can't stop, and I'm completely numb, just grabbing any food in sight and eating it. And if I run out of the food in the house (I've even gone through the bin before) then I'll head up to the supermarket and fill up a basket or even a trolley. This picture may look extreme, but sometimes that's how I feel. I'll end up with food down my clothes, all over my hands and face, and I don't care, I just need to get the food in my body. I've even been to the supermarket to continue my binge to find food down my trousers and peanut butter on my cheek. It's so shameful to admit.

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In the DSM-V criteria (the standard classification of mental disorders used by mental practitioners) binge eating is defined by "eating significantly more food in a short period of time than most people would eat under similar circumstances, with episodes marked by feelings of lack of control." We "may eat too quickly, even when we are not hungry." We may "have feelings of guilt, embarrassment or disgust and may binge eat alone to hide the behaviour".

And what causes a binge? I imagine it's different for everyone. I believe there are two generic causes. The one that sits in the here and now, and the one that sits deep down below which causes all of our eating problems.

The ones that sit here and now for me are things such as:
- being alone in the house and having the opportunity to eat without anyone around
- feeling relieved
- returning home after an event where I thought it would be difficult not to overeat and managing to restrict myself...only then to blow it
- having something sugary or "disallowed"
- I also think just not eating enough makes our body crave food

Then the deeper ones - well I don't know what these are. These are the deep beliefs that cause us to have disordered patterns with food, and binge despite knowing how horrible it will make us feel, or how damaging it is to our bodies (I'll discuss this in a future post). 

We are constantly wanting to lose weight, get thinner and thinner. And what happens? We either get to a point where we eat nothing and become skeletons, or we can't maintain that and we develop a binge-restrict cycle. Binging is a common word in our vocabulary, and that's not natural. Binging isn't natural. Restricting isn't natural. What's natural is eating when we're hungry and stopping when we're full.

And making all of this worse is the sugary, processed foods we eat. The ones that make us addicted and leave us craving more and more.

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Ultimately to stop binges we need to understand what's causing our disordered eating patterns, learn how to manage them, and ensure we're eating enough and that what we're eating is natural and clean.

Next week I'll talk about the damage we're doing to our bodies from binging. But for now let's remember that binging can be a proper psychological issue, and that we shouldn't beat ourselves up. We need to recognise we've got a problem, and do something about it by seeking the right kind of help :)

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Hope you have a wonderful day,

E x

Unhealthy voices, anxiety and womanhood

Last Thursday's therapy session was so good.

I don't know what exactly it was, but I came out feeling that maybe this was going to work out okay.

We talked about heaps of stuff. Unhealthy voices, anxiety, womanhood.

We started off with my food diary and discussing a couple of things that had cropped up. One was how long I spend choosing food in the supermarket, wandering round and round as I weigh up what combinations will give me the correct calories, best mix carbs, protein and fat etc.

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We talked about how there was the time when I worked hard to pick up a larger lunch, only to then automatically scale down my dinner to fit in under my desired calories. She mentioned it sounded like there were 2 voices in my head: one a "healthy" voice, and the other unhealthy.

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She asked me what I thought the unhealthy voice's agenda was. It clearly wasn't for me to be healthy, or happy. And it was also there when I binge, so it can't want me to be skinny. I couldn't answer the agenda question, nor do I think she was expecting me to be able to. What shocked me most was the fact that I would never have classified that voice as unhealthy. To me it represents the bit of me that will get me to the weight I want to be, the bit that represents control. Although actually the voice is out of my control, and is instead controlling me.

We moved on to another aspect that had popped up in my food diary: anxiety. As I've mentioned I often wake up anxious, both in the morning and at numerous points during the night.

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I know I'll either have had dreams about eating or work, but don't seem to really understand what's making me anxious and therefore I can't try and rationalise it. It's like there's a record stuck on repeat in my subconscious, but I don't know what the record is or how to stop it. I also have panic attacks occasionally. I know my anxiety is worse when I'm eating more, but I can't be sure whether the eating is causing the anxiety, or the anxiety is causing me to eat.

I've always been an anxious person. As a child I used to get scared about going into a supermarket close to closing time in case we got locked in. I also went through a stage where I would barely talk to my parents because I was worried I would say something that they wouldn't like (this is nothing to do with anything they ever did - my parents are amazing!). I don't like meeting up with people because I'm not sure what people will think of me. And as the therapist mentioned, a lot of my anxiety seemed to be linked to me not thinking I would be good enough, or that I'd upset someone else. It was a result of what I perceived other people's reactions to be.


Finally, we talked about what it means to be a woman. I'd mentioned how I'd once been jealous of someone's figure in the background of a picture. When I looked closer I realised that that person was about 14 years old. Not cool. I also talked about how for a long time after I'd regained my periods that I saw them as a failure. And also how sometimes I just don't feel like an adult - how did I end up having managed to get a job, self-fund myself, move myself all the way to London, hire removal vans, find flats, organise bills and insurance and all this adult malarky?

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I don't know whether they're all related, or even if they're linked to my eating, but it's always worth looking in to. As my therapist said, I'm a woman, and I should want a woman's body. And shouldn't we all?! Shouldn't we want the curves and shapeliness that comes with being a female. Most female models are still teenagers - why should we want bodies that represent someone who's adolescent and still growing?

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Our bodies are a product of evolution. As women we're designed for childbirth. We gain hips and breasts for this purpose. Every heard an old lady remark "oooh, she has excellent child-birthing hips"?! Well that's because they're meant to be a good thing! That's what we should be proud to have.

I love this quote from Marilyn Monroe!

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 So this week I have to do mindfulness a couple of times a day to try and help with the anxiety, and I also have to keep a journal of all the times I think about what someone might be thinking about me, or what I'm thinking of myself. This way we can start to understand all the negative messages that I've receiving/sending to myself.

I've found both pretty tough.

Mindfulness is just a skill I need to practise - just putting 5 minutes of your morning and afternoon aside to do it seems a challenge!

So far I've not wanted to write about my feelings. They've just been too hard, particularly over the weekend when I ate so much. But I'm going to persevere, as if it's hard it probably means it's affecting me in much deeper ways :)

Do you embrace your womanly curves?

E x