Fuelled by a banana

I RAN THE LONDON WINTER RUN 10K!!!

And boy does it feel like there's a weight off my mind. 

I'm going to do a separate post recapping the event but there's a bit more detail below. 

Happenings

This week was set to be a good one as it way my boyfriend's birthday. We had a lovely dinner with his family planned at the amazing Toto's restaurant in Kensington, and I'd organised a special day out on Saturday to celebrate properly. The reality was a lot of cancelled plans and a lot of time with me in bed in pain. 

Toto's - Source

I managed to get myself out to the family dinner but spent most of the time trying not to pass out. I haven't had pain that bad for a long time, even walking was a challenge. I probably came across very rude to his family (and to the staff at the restaurant since I ate about 2 mouthfuls...). Things weren't too bad for the rest of the week until Saturday when I woke up feeling nauseous and with stomach pains. I managed to make it to my therapy appointment, though struggled not to throw up when talking about food, and then went to a coffee shop where I sat very still as any movement made me feel in pain. When I met up with my boyfriend we got as far as lunch before he took me home where I spent the rest of the day asleep in bed.

I felt so awful. I completely ruined his birthday...twice in a week! And the worst girlfriend ever award goes to...me... 

I did make him a cake though (one that I couldn't even eat as it had wheat in it - sacrifice right there). One positive brownie point against a lot of minuses. So I've got a lot of making up to do. 

By the time it got to race day I'd only eaten a banana, 2 slices of toast and some popcorn the day before. Not exactly fuelling! So I scoffed a banana a few hours before the race and got the adrenaline going. Thank god for adrenaline! 

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This would have been a particularly effective adrenaline stimulant.

But after a super cold start, and a shaky start, I did it :)

(Not the best photo...I may have accidentally temporarily broke my phone camera by smashing a perfume bottle over it. Lesson learned: never try and be fancy shmancy and take perfume with you to a race).

The rest of the Sunday was spent warming up on the sofa, eating carbs, and then going to support my boyfriend at an exhibition stand he'd organised for his work. 

Eatings

As you can imagine, food has been all over the place this week with stomach pains. A lot of plain foods such as popcorn. A lot of low fodmap foods such as eggs (so many eggs). And a few spoonfuls of the amazing food at Toto's - melanzane parmigiana followed by truffle risotto. 

The more exciting meals included a quinoa stuffed pepper with pinenuts, spinach, mint and sundried tomotoes. With a side of THE BEST homemade gluten free bread and salad.

Banana, chia and nuts with the remaining peanut butter - best breakfast on the go!

HAZELNUT BUTTER! Oh dear lord, where have you been all my life? Obvs with banana because you just can't beat that combo. Oh, and raw cacao. Raw cacao makes chocolate at breakfast acceptable.

Movings

Zero yoga = sad Emma. But 2 5ks and a 10k (woop woop!) = super happy Emma!!

Thinkings

Most of my week was spent thinking "I hate my job" and "I hate my stomach". C'est la vie...it'll get better. Friday I'm probably heading back to the Dr. to see if they'll do any tests to rule out other nasties and confirm IBS. I imagine they'll send me away again empty handed, but I owe it to myself to try.

As for the job, I'm considering alternative careers. I wonder whether there's such a thing as professional duvet tester?

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I've also been reflecting on my January goals. I'll be doing a run down of each goal in blog posts for the next few days, but I'm pretty proud of my achievements! I'll also be listing out my February goals to keep my accountable.

Have a great week everyone!

E x

What did you do this weekend? What's your favourite nut butter?

Chillaxing in an armchair

Hello everyone!

As I'm writing this I'm sat in my freezing cold lounge, still dark outside, waiting to go for a run (no, this is not me chillaxing in the armchair - that comes later!). Next week is race day and the start time isn't until between 9.30 and 10.30 so I'll need something to eat before running. The thing is, I never eat before running! The only 2 times I've ever eaten before a run were for my 10k a couple of years ago and a 5k years and years ago. Both those times my ongoing digestive problems were either none existent or much less problematic, so I'm quite worried about tummy trouble next week! Therefore today I'm up far too early for a Sunday to eat something light and give it a couple of hours to digest before I set off, just to make sure my mashed banana, little bit of yoghurt and some ginger doesn't have me running to the nearest loo! I'm doing a loop fairly close to my house so if I need to nip back I can do...(these last few weeks of digestive problems have not left me feeling particularly confident in this department)!

I'm not going to lie, I hate this waiting around. I like to get up and go before I get too comfy on the sofa.

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Happenings 

This week at work has been manic as usual, and as a result there's not much to rave about.

On Tuesday I got an email from one of my best friends. It had a link to a job advert, and simply said "I think you'd be perfect for this". Whilst the job advert closed the following day, and I wasn't in a position to be applying for jobs that quickly, it was a bit of a lightbulb moment. If I'm not enjoying my job, if it's taking over my life, and even stopping me from having a life, then I don't have to keep doing that job! (Yeah, I know, I should have figured that out myself!) Friends are the best!

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My Saturday was just lovely though. It started with my usual therapy appointment (which once I again I was nearly late for because of somewhat unreliable London transport! There's nothing like a brisk walk/run to a different station 20 minutes away to wake you up!) where we talked about rule breaking. I am so not a rule breaker - I'm a miss goody two shoes, a teacher's pet, a do what I'm told kind of person! And my restricting period was a true example of this. It was interesting to talk about how rules were either achieved or failed, meaning everything was black and white. I need to be aiming for more of those grey areas - eating healthily and sensibly, but not going overboard on restricting the amounts and types of foods I eat. When we feel like we've failed a rule, we're more likely to think everything's gone to pot and we might as well fail completely - cue binging!

Afterwards me and the bf headed over to Shoreditch in East London. We had a wander round feeling ever so mainstream (Shoreditch is renowned for being super alternative and trendy, having excellent independent coffee shops, and being the home of quirky cafes such as the Cereal Cafe - that's right, a cafe that sells cereals from all over the world!) but I loved it! It's always so refreshing to be somewhere with so much independent character.

We grabbed a coffee (fresh mint tea for me) in a great, small coffee shop with beautiful fireplaces. The tea was so good and my bf appreicated the coffee art! (The photo makes it look messed up but it was actually perfect).

We then headed off to the Electric Cinema to see Whiplash. The Electric Cinema is an independent cinema with 2 cinemas across London. Forget the hard, uncomfy seats you normally get with no leg room. Here you get armchairs (or sofas at one of the cinemas) with bags of leg room, blankets and small table lamps. It was amazing! The tickets are obviously much more expensive but as a treat (this was part one of my Christmas present to my bf of 12 dates of Christmas) it's totally worth it. If you're interested make sure you book well in advance - for a lot of the evening screenings the tickets go as soon as they're released (normally a week before the showing). Saying that, this 12.45 screening we went to was mostly empty, which was lovely!

As for the film itself - well I wasn't sure what to expect. I'd let my bf choose and hadn't given much attention to what it was about. Turned out to be a winner! The acting was amazing, and it was refreshingly different to the usual action/rom-com/sci-fi. Definitely recommend it.

The rest of the day was spent in front of a radiator under a blanket (SO COLD!) catching up on TV including new Big Bang Theory. LOVE that show!

Eatings

Because I'm back to working away from home and living off supermarket food I've been really struggling with this whole lowFODMAP eating. EVERYTHING has onion or garlic in it, or the veggie salads are all with chickpeas or lentils or beans. The first day I was there I had a massive fail and ended up just getting an egg salad (even that had cold new potatoes and onions in) and added some extra cheese. It was so pathetic! I did get a lot better by the end of the week, but I have a feeling I'll be surviving off a lot of eggs!

My egg and cheese salad looking so pathetic

Egg fried in coconut oil, and cheese, on coconut bread with fruit - this was actually so good!

No eggs or cheese - hooray! Smoked tofu with spinach, sweet potato fries, and bell pepper

Movings

Just the usual this week. A very windy coastal run on Tuesday morning and a great run on Friday where my legs just felt so strong! Let's hope my run today is as good! Managed one yoga session (the yoga for runners online) as well.

Thinkings

Job and life satisfaction have been pretty much dominating my thoughts this week. Thoughts about whether I really do want to change my job, or whether I'm just having a tough project, or even being ungrateful. Thoughts about what I'd do if I changed job - I'd probably shift out of this particular career as it requires too much time away from home and too many hours. Thoughts about whether I even would want to work in London!

I'm not going to go head on in to job hunting. I'll probably sign up for a few job alerts and see what comes through over the next couple of months to help me get a better idea of what I want to do first. I don't want to rush in to anything!

Hope you have great weeks!

E x

What do you eat before a run? What's your dream job?

Seeing yourself in someone you didn't expect

Just wanted to drop in because this was playing on my mind.

Quite often I'll see a characteristic of myself in someone else...I think we all do. Sometimes it grates, and sometimes it makes us feel warmer to that person.

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But today I saw myself in someone I didn't expect to.

I'd had a rough morning of a bit of a binge and decided I needed to remove myself from my flat and get out to break the eating mindset. (Best idea: sunshine + gentle exercise + buying flowers = much less panicky, must-continue-binging Emma).

On my way home as I was trying not to beat myself up about the binging and calming myself down about the many extra calories I'd consumed I was approached by a man. He looked a bit rough and my automatic reaction was to take a step back since there was no one around and didn't want to get grabbed.

He was actually really polite and explained that he had alcohol problems and needed £10 to do his round trip to his therapist. I'm not going to lie, I'm always dubious about these stories and I never ever give cash. If someone is sat begging I'd much rather buy them food rather than give them cash. In this situation I would have apologised and walked away. But I paused.

If what he was saying was true then he wanted to get help and see a therapist. I think back to when I was desperately trying to organise to see a therapist and how lost and helpless I felt. And I always knew my parents were there to help financially, and I had a secure home life. He clearly didn't have this, and I felt so sorry for him.

I had no cash so even if I'd wanted to I couldn't have helped. In hindsight, I should have given him my Oyster card - he couldn't have bought alcohol or drugs with it, but if he'd needed to he could have got to his therapist.

It reminded me that sometimes we see people on the streets and we judge or we don't relate with them. Inside they're the same people as us, with more problems and more struggles. We could have been them in a very different life.

Anyway, random post, but I needed to get my thoughts down in writing.

Hope you've all had a good day.

E x

2014 review

The adjustment after Christmas is the worst! You still find yourself humming Christmas songs, you mourn the last mince pie, the Christmas jumper gets put away for another year (just as it’s actually getting cold enough to warrant wearing it…).

This time of year always makes us look back and take stock of the last 12 months. If someone asked me to describe 2014 in one word, my initial reaction would be “exhaustion”. As years go this has been a hard one. But for all the tough times I've had there have been many points of the other extreme. I may have dealt with severe anaemia and B12 deficiencies; some days I may have lacked the ability to understand the point of getting out of bed; I may have spent times eating 400kcal a day and others stuffing so much food in my stomach it felt like I would explode; I may have felt anxious 24/7 for weeks; work may have pushed me beyond my limits; and I may have realised I don’t even know who I am. But I’ve also travelled to places I could never have dreamed of; moved in with someone I love beyond words; started getting help with my eating; restarted appreciating life’s little moments; readjusted my view of what’s important in life; got promoted; and spent time with people who matter. Those amazing experiences far outweigh those tough times, and the struggles made me appreciate those good times even more.

Bali

Singapore

Buckingham Palace at the Garden Party with my family

The Lake District with all my favourite people - my family and my better half

New flat moving in with the bf (and the best slippers ever!)

Last January I set a whole heap of aims for the year, most of which I didn't achieve. I never ran a half marathon. In fact I didn’t participate in any of the 5 running events I promised myself I'd do. I didn’t overcome my binging (though I have improved so much through the therapy - I think I was being overoptimistic thinking I’d solve it overnight!). And when I set these goals I wasn't expecting to be signed off work for a month, be on iron tablets for the rest of year, and start therapy for my eating problems.

My last iron tablet a couple of days ago :)

I did achieve a few of my goals though: I discovered yoga (how did I survive so long without it?!) and increased my body strength, and I did track more of my runs using my garmin (but not at the times where I just needed to get out and stretch my legs without thinking about time or pace). I’m also pretty good at eating clean…but I do know that I can have treats when I want…hello 80/20. And all this shows the most important thing – how much more balanced I have become. I'm improving my health, but not letting it take over my life.

Run with a hug from a muddy dog

So this year I have learnt so much about health and fitness, and am beginning the journey of learning who I am as a person. I’m so excited to start 2015 with a clean slate of health and fitness and take baby steps to who I’ll be this time next year.

So what goals am I making for 2015? Just the one: maintain balance. I'll be explaining how I'm going to do this in my next blog post, but in the mean time, I hope you all have a fabulous New Year!

E x

Wearing a bikini and a new reality

So I did it. I wore a bikini. In front of other people.

I genuinely don't remember the last time I wore a bikini without covering it up with shorts and a t-shirt. Just the thought of showing off every inch of fat on my body filled me with dread. I thought people would scrutinise all the imperfect parts of my body - not just my weight, but my pale skin; my cellulite; my untoned stomach; my poorly done bikini wax; my varicose veins...the list goes on.

I felt like the moment I took off my clothes it was going to be like there a was a massive siren going off accompanied by a big flashing arrow, with everyone turning round to gawp in disgust. I thought my boyfriend would see me and automatically hate me for all of my imperfections. And none of this was because anyone had ever done these things - my boyfriend certainly not, he's amazingly supportive - but that didn't stop my disordered brain thinking disordered things.

I couldn't come on a beach holiday and sit covered up the whole time, so I locked myself in the bathroom for quite some time, gave myself a pep talk, and braved the beach. To my amazement, as I stripped off there was no flashing light or loud sound. Unsurprisingly noone was looking in my direction, nor cared one tiny bit that I was stripping off into my bikini. And, of course, my boyfriend didn't look at me like I was some ugly lump of fat. Which isn't surprising as, not only is it not something he's not seen before, but surely something every boyfriend wants is to spend time with their girlfriend in a bikini?!

So where did I pick up the courage from? After all, I have done zero exercise and eaten poorly for the past few weeks, am almost the heaviest I've been for years, amd am covered in bruises from carrying stuff round at the exhibition...so I'm not exactly in peak condition!

As I've mentioned in previous posts, the last few weeks I've had a new found relaxed attitude to eating. I've no idea where it's come from, but it's given me the head space to look at things in a new way. Before I would have been so caught up in my negative thoughts that I wouldn't have had any time to do anything other than panic. However being more relaxed has given me time to think about the situation I'm in and to look around me. At first I still found myself idolising people with tiny frames...and then once again realised that they were the bodies of teenagers. Which just made me angry with myself - adults are not supposed to look like children! Once I started looking around me at actual adults I saw women of all different shapes and sizes, all wearing bikinis and all looking amazing. No one was looking at them in a negative way at all.

One of the key reasons they looked so amazing was because they were all exuding confidence. I'm not going to pretend I know what was going through their heads (I'm sure they all have body hang-ups) but they were sat there acting like they were loving life, and wearing a bikini was neither here nor there for them. When I looked at them I didn't see their body type, I saw fantastically happy and confident women. And that's how I wanted to feel: happy, confident and carefree! Why should I be the woman sat on the beach covered up because of my own negative thoughts?!

And that's exactly it: we are our own worst enemies. We impose our own views on the world around us - if we think negatively about ourselves then we often think the world thinks the same about us. If we're judging ourselves on our bodies, then we assume everyone else is doing the same. In reality, people are often far too caught up in their own lives to notice other people. And even if they do, and they think something negatively about our bodies, so what? They may have a more toned stomach than you, or a more tanned complexion, but if they're judging us negatively based on our looks then their personality and good nature - the important things in life - don't even come close to yours.

The biggest favour we can do ourselves is to reevaluate the norms we've created for our own individual realities. Do they actually match the norms that really exist? I built myself a reality in which I thought everyone has the perfect bikini body, no one has cellulite, everyone has perfect skin, and everyone judges you based on your looks. In true reality the norms are that hardly anyone is so skinny you can see their ribs, that most women have cellulite and people don't spend their days judging you based on their looks.

I know this shouldn't have been such a revelation to me, but it was. As a result it gave me the confidence to sit on that beach, knowing I wasn't perfect, and not care. Being surrounded by women in bikinis, appreciating every woman for her own shape and size, made me realise how uptight and unrealistic I was being. And by being that way, not just in terms of wearing a bikini, but in every aspect of my life, from eating, to relationships, to work, I was denying myself the space to be truly happily and live my life to the fullest. Living your life terrified of other people's judgements, and your own self-judgements, is a half life. Recognise reality for what it is, and then be present in it - wear a bikini, eat chips, and smile :)

Meals and gratitude #21

I am in a ridiculously good mood!

As soon as I packed up my stuff at work I was literally skipping out of the door!

Maybe it's all the good food I've had?

Breakfast: unpictured cherries and nuts - unpictured because I was all over the place with meetings, people stealing my desk...

Lunch: a repeat of yesterday but with popcorn (although I ended up having this as an afternoon snack) - salad, houmous, spanish omelette. Good combo if you ask me. It felt like a whooooole lotta food though.

If someone tells me how to rotate an image in Blogger, I'll be your biggest fan.

Dinner: A rice, aubergine and lentil salad which was possibly one of the most garlicky things I've ever eaten. Just as well I'm eating alone tonight...and I love garlic. And I also had some more strawberries. THIS ADDICTION HAS TO STOP.

 

 

Gratitude:

- I imagine a lot of my good mood was due to the beautiful surroundings. I sometimes honestly can't believe how stunning this place is. It just makes me completely forget any troubles I have and feel like the luckiest gal alive. Plus I get to run along that - that makes one happy runner.

- Ed Sheeran's new album. Love. Love. Love.

- A productive work meeting this morning.

What was the highlight of your day?

E x

Meals and gratitiude #20

Hi guys!

Am just dropping in for a really quick post whilst I eat my dinner and watch Wimbledon. I always feel there's a lack of womble presence at the tournament. I want more wombles.

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Meals today have been:

Breakfast: rye bread peanut butter sandwich and frozen raspberries which were super mushed and difficult to eat by the time I got to eating them on the train.

Lunch: I used an M&S santini tomato salad as a base and then added a bit of their spanish omelette and a good dose of houmous. Really wanted some olives to go with but they're coated in lots of crazy preservatives. Not. A. Fan.

 

Afternoon snack: Some antioxidant-rich blueberries. Nom nom nom. In fact I nommed them too quick to take a photo.

Dinner: My fave nutty wholegrain salad from M&S packed with lots of protein. Plus strawberries so I can pretend I'm physically at Wimbledon. I'm becoming ridiculously obsessed with strawberries, and it needs to stop...they're so much more expensive than the good old reliable apple!

Gratitude:

- I got a new laptop at work! My last one was ooooold: it took more than 30 minutes to boost up, constantly froze, was impossibly slow to do ANYTHING, sounded like it was about to take off, was always super overheating... This one whizzes along like noone's business and it's all brand new. And it felt good that the company was willing to invest in new technology for me :)

- THE WEATHER! I could have totally done with my factor 50 sun cream today. I sat outside at lunch for 5 minutes and my cheeks have gone pink. Not good.

- A dark and dismal hotel room. Yes, it's dark and dismal, but that means the sun hasn't been beating down on it all day so must be a hell of a lot cooler than the other rooms. That's not saying it's cool - my yoga session was practically done bikram styley...

- Meeting my colleagues wife. She's moved over from Burma, and I've heard a lot about her, so it was lovely to meet her and fully understand just how friendly and amazing she is

- Brothers dressed in matching outfits. Isn't that the cutest?!

- A food and drink festival on in the town centre. The food looks amazing (one day I will be comfortable enough to throw caution to the calorie wind and go grab something yummy from one of the stalls...) as does the things they're selling it from. Yes, that's a double decker bus.

Meals and gratitude #19

Hi everyone!

I'm writing this to you with the World Cup match on in the background. I'm normally really not a footie fan, but have always watched at least 1 England match during each World Cup over the years, so this is my token watching!

It's been a fairly good eating day today!

It started off with some 0% fat greek yoghurt and frozen strawberries (they're just not as good frozen!).

 At lunch I had a salad containing lettuce, olives, pepper, cucumber, tomatoes, courgette and yummy houmous. Love the houmous.

I also had an apple just after.

On my way to my therapy session this afternoon I used my Holland and Barrett voucher and picked up these crisps and YoYo fruit rolls.

 Houmous in form 2! I barely got chance to open these before my appointment (plus I always feel guilty for eating just before I go to the sessions, which I realise is crazy!) so I finished them off on my tube journey home. So good.

Because I'd just eaten these and I got back late I didn't want to do huge amouts of food prep so I had this 2 minute dinner.

I know it looks like mush in a bowl, but it's one of my favourite evening treats. Frozen berries warmed in the microwave with cocoa powder and agave. The cocoa and agave mix with the berry juices to form a sauce :) On the side was rye toast.

  

A bit over on sugar, but my carbs, protein, and fat ratio was almost spot on today!

Gratitude

- Yoga for runners - my legs and hips are so stiff it's unbelievable!

- Cutest little girl on the train into work waving at everybody :)

- Being at home

Do you watch the World Cup?

E x

Meals and gratitude #18

Geez Louise it's hot!

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I'm definitely missing my room that had air con from last week - I'm having some serious "moisture control" issues right now!

Thankfully it was much cooler when I went for my run this morning!

Eats today have been pretty good, bar one slip up at lunch.

Started my day with a delicious simple breakfast of strawberries and nuts.

 Why eat out of a bowl when you can eat out of a mug right?! (Plus I don't have a bowl...)

Lunch was a rainbow salad which had all kinds of goodness: couscous, seeds, salad, veg, pomegranate. Yum. I also had a cheese and onion roll (I couldn't find them on My Fitness Pal but they work out as about the same nutritional information). That's what happens when you go food shopping hungry. Was pretty annoyed with myself!

 I had the popcorn as an afternoon snack.

Dinner was a greek salad which is always such a great dinner when the weather's like this :) Also had some medjool dates, just because - felt bad about just randomly eating them.

The roll blew my fat out and the dates had a massive impact on the sugar! Far, far too much!

 

Still got a long way to go in terms of getting balanced.

Gratitude

- As always when the sun's out - the weather!

- Making new connections at work with really lovely people

- Seeing the seagulls this morning dropping closed shells on to the ground from where they were flying to crack them open for the goodies inside - I've never seen that before!

What made you smile today?

E x

Meals and gratitude #17

Happy Monday! This week's going to be awesome right!?

I've had lady hormone tears (sorry, too much information) to the max today. Yesterday my flatmate/landlady told me she's going to have her boyfriend move in to the flat and that therefore my lease will come to an end at the beginning of September. That's always been on the cards, and I've been expecting it for a while, however I was pretty gutted. It's the first place I've lived since moving down to London that has actually felt like home - the flat, its location, my flatmate, Coco the cat were all perfect - and the feeling of having roots somewhere and belonging is such an underrated feeling!

That, in my hormone-mess, just led to a whole cascade of feelings that I couldn't deal with life, everything was too much...what a doofus!

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Yes I think what I have right now is perfect, but the push to change will help me to get to experience something new, meet new people, and live something I otherwise wouldn't have had the chance to live. That's a gift, surely?

I had an amazing breakfast this morning. Banana and peanut butter rye bread sandwich (which would be amazing in itself) plus strawberries plus THE most amazing plum! A few years ago I was on holiday with my family in Italy and we ate fresh plums of the trees there, and that plum took me straight back there. Super delicious.

Lunch was the usual nutty salad from M&S. Starting to get a bit bored of M&S salads since I eat them so often!

Had one too many roasted nuts as an afternoon snack - not helping my "rebalance carbs and fat" aim, but so good!

Dinner was a beetroot salad and some amazingly juicy blueberries. Plus the little hotel biscuits.

Woah there on the fiber! In the end I was at 44% carbs, 43% fat, and13% protein. Better than some days but I still want to up the carbs to 50% and reduce the fat to 30% and see if that makes me feel any better.

Gratitude
 
- Support from my line manager regarding a job application

- Getting to sit in first class on the train due to it being cheaper than second class

- Breakfast this morning!

How's your day been?

E x