January 2015 goals - Health and Fitness update

I'm pretty chuffed with how I did on my fitness goals! My health goals not so much...

They were:

Health

- Focus on stabilising my blood sugar

- Keep as close to the meal plan when I'm back at work

Fitness

- Run a 7k

- Do 10 proper push ups

Stabilising blood sugar
This did get better as the month went on, but I'm eating so many more sugary foods than I used to and it's not great. This is something I want to work harder at in February - need to define a goal that gets me a bit closer to blood sugar stabilisation.

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Keep to the meal plan
Fail!

This failed for 2 reasons. The first is that not having a kitchen, or any space to even cut vegetables, makes things almost impossible. The second is that all my stomach pain has thrown me sideways and I've been using the limited food choices I have as an excuse to eat rubbish. Sort it out, Emma!

Run a 7k
Check!

In the first week of January I smashed this and ran a 10k! That led me to signing up for the London Winter Run which was a massive fear for me. So this goal was well and truly ticked off! I love it when you set yourself goal at the start of the month, never thinking that you'll blow it out of the water :)

Do 10 proper push ups
Half tick.

So each week I added on an extra push up, starting at 5 in one go, and on the 31st January pushing it up to the final 10. And I did it, non-stop, without collapsing! However to say I'm properly doing them is a lie - I definitely don't go all the way down and up. Will keep on trying to improve these over February though :)

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What were your health and fitness goals for the month?

 E x

Chillaxing in an armchair

Hello everyone!

As I'm writing this I'm sat in my freezing cold lounge, still dark outside, waiting to go for a run (no, this is not me chillaxing in the armchair - that comes later!). Next week is race day and the start time isn't until between 9.30 and 10.30 so I'll need something to eat before running. The thing is, I never eat before running! The only 2 times I've ever eaten before a run were for my 10k a couple of years ago and a 5k years and years ago. Both those times my ongoing digestive problems were either none existent or much less problematic, so I'm quite worried about tummy trouble next week! Therefore today I'm up far too early for a Sunday to eat something light and give it a couple of hours to digest before I set off, just to make sure my mashed banana, little bit of yoghurt and some ginger doesn't have me running to the nearest loo! I'm doing a loop fairly close to my house so if I need to nip back I can do...(these last few weeks of digestive problems have not left me feeling particularly confident in this department)!

I'm not going to lie, I hate this waiting around. I like to get up and go before I get too comfy on the sofa.

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Happenings 

This week at work has been manic as usual, and as a result there's not much to rave about.

On Tuesday I got an email from one of my best friends. It had a link to a job advert, and simply said "I think you'd be perfect for this". Whilst the job advert closed the following day, and I wasn't in a position to be applying for jobs that quickly, it was a bit of a lightbulb moment. If I'm not enjoying my job, if it's taking over my life, and even stopping me from having a life, then I don't have to keep doing that job! (Yeah, I know, I should have figured that out myself!) Friends are the best!

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My Saturday was just lovely though. It started with my usual therapy appointment (which once I again I was nearly late for because of somewhat unreliable London transport! There's nothing like a brisk walk/run to a different station 20 minutes away to wake you up!) where we talked about rule breaking. I am so not a rule breaker - I'm a miss goody two shoes, a teacher's pet, a do what I'm told kind of person! And my restricting period was a true example of this. It was interesting to talk about how rules were either achieved or failed, meaning everything was black and white. I need to be aiming for more of those grey areas - eating healthily and sensibly, but not going overboard on restricting the amounts and types of foods I eat. When we feel like we've failed a rule, we're more likely to think everything's gone to pot and we might as well fail completely - cue binging!

Afterwards me and the bf headed over to Shoreditch in East London. We had a wander round feeling ever so mainstream (Shoreditch is renowned for being super alternative and trendy, having excellent independent coffee shops, and being the home of quirky cafes such as the Cereal Cafe - that's right, a cafe that sells cereals from all over the world!) but I loved it! It's always so refreshing to be somewhere with so much independent character.

We grabbed a coffee (fresh mint tea for me) in a great, small coffee shop with beautiful fireplaces. The tea was so good and my bf appreicated the coffee art! (The photo makes it look messed up but it was actually perfect).

We then headed off to the Electric Cinema to see Whiplash. The Electric Cinema is an independent cinema with 2 cinemas across London. Forget the hard, uncomfy seats you normally get with no leg room. Here you get armchairs (or sofas at one of the cinemas) with bags of leg room, blankets and small table lamps. It was amazing! The tickets are obviously much more expensive but as a treat (this was part one of my Christmas present to my bf of 12 dates of Christmas) it's totally worth it. If you're interested make sure you book well in advance - for a lot of the evening screenings the tickets go as soon as they're released (normally a week before the showing). Saying that, this 12.45 screening we went to was mostly empty, which was lovely!

As for the film itself - well I wasn't sure what to expect. I'd let my bf choose and hadn't given much attention to what it was about. Turned out to be a winner! The acting was amazing, and it was refreshingly different to the usual action/rom-com/sci-fi. Definitely recommend it.

The rest of the day was spent in front of a radiator under a blanket (SO COLD!) catching up on TV including new Big Bang Theory. LOVE that show!

Eatings

Because I'm back to working away from home and living off supermarket food I've been really struggling with this whole lowFODMAP eating. EVERYTHING has onion or garlic in it, or the veggie salads are all with chickpeas or lentils or beans. The first day I was there I had a massive fail and ended up just getting an egg salad (even that had cold new potatoes and onions in) and added some extra cheese. It was so pathetic! I did get a lot better by the end of the week, but I have a feeling I'll be surviving off a lot of eggs!

My egg and cheese salad looking so pathetic

Egg fried in coconut oil, and cheese, on coconut bread with fruit - this was actually so good!

No eggs or cheese - hooray! Smoked tofu with spinach, sweet potato fries, and bell pepper

Movings

Just the usual this week. A very windy coastal run on Tuesday morning and a great run on Friday where my legs just felt so strong! Let's hope my run today is as good! Managed one yoga session (the yoga for runners online) as well.

Thinkings

Job and life satisfaction have been pretty much dominating my thoughts this week. Thoughts about whether I really do want to change my job, or whether I'm just having a tough project, or even being ungrateful. Thoughts about what I'd do if I changed job - I'd probably shift out of this particular career as it requires too much time away from home and too many hours. Thoughts about whether I even would want to work in London!

I'm not going to go head on in to job hunting. I'll probably sign up for a few job alerts and see what comes through over the next couple of months to help me get a better idea of what I want to do first. I don't want to rush in to anything!

Hope you have great weeks!

E x

What do you eat before a run? What's your dream job?

Seeing yourself in someone you didn't expect

Just wanted to drop in because this was playing on my mind.

Quite often I'll see a characteristic of myself in someone else...I think we all do. Sometimes it grates, and sometimes it makes us feel warmer to that person.

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But today I saw myself in someone I didn't expect to.

I'd had a rough morning of a bit of a binge and decided I needed to remove myself from my flat and get out to break the eating mindset. (Best idea: sunshine + gentle exercise + buying flowers = much less panicky, must-continue-binging Emma).

On my way home as I was trying not to beat myself up about the binging and calming myself down about the many extra calories I'd consumed I was approached by a man. He looked a bit rough and my automatic reaction was to take a step back since there was no one around and didn't want to get grabbed.

He was actually really polite and explained that he had alcohol problems and needed £10 to do his round trip to his therapist. I'm not going to lie, I'm always dubious about these stories and I never ever give cash. If someone is sat begging I'd much rather buy them food rather than give them cash. In this situation I would have apologised and walked away. But I paused.

If what he was saying was true then he wanted to get help and see a therapist. I think back to when I was desperately trying to organise to see a therapist and how lost and helpless I felt. And I always knew my parents were there to help financially, and I had a secure home life. He clearly didn't have this, and I felt so sorry for him.

I had no cash so even if I'd wanted to I couldn't have helped. In hindsight, I should have given him my Oyster card - he couldn't have bought alcohol or drugs with it, but if he'd needed to he could have got to his therapist.

It reminded me that sometimes we see people on the streets and we judge or we don't relate with them. Inside they're the same people as us, with more problems and more struggles. We could have been them in a very different life.

Anyway, random post, but I needed to get my thoughts down in writing.

Hope you've all had a good day.

E x

Back at it and throwing away the scales!

Did Christmas actually happen?! It already feels yonks ago that I was lying on the sofa watching Christmas specials and eating my body weight in chocolate. Can every day be Christmas please? Hope everyone isn't feeling too exhausted after their first week back.

Happenings

So much to catch up on!

My last few days of holiday were nice and relaxed. I was back home in London and whilst some of it was spent cleaning out rooms and de-Christmassifying the flat (does anyone else feel guilty leaving their part-of-the-family-for-the-last-month Christmas tree outside to be picked up?!) we did do a few nice things.

We went for a lovely walk along the river into Richmond where we had a coffee - or in my case a delicious spiced apple drink. Exactly what I needed to warm my frozen hands!

We also went to the ZOO!! I haven't been to the zoo in yeeeears. I'm always very dubious about zoos and am worried that the animals haven't got enough space or nice enough living conditions. On this occasion everything seemed great on the whole.

I was also amazed at just how many situation there were the animals were roaming free! There were ants roaming free, a bird house which you could walk through, and a monkey enclosure you could walk through. The monkeys were so much fun and so cheeky! I had one jump on me and try and steal my headphones from my bag! They certainly weren't shy.

And there were some times just chilled out on the sofa with a blanket and a good film.

Maybe the most significant life event that happened though was....throwing away my scales! These things do so much more damage than good. I've not weighed myself for a good few months, but for some reason had been putting off throwing them away. Well, now they're gone!

The week back at work has been a bit of a culture shock. I'm back working away from home again which has meant living off all that M&S provides. I've missed the South Coast sunrises though!

Movings

I RAN A 10K!!!! The first week I was back in London I really wasn't feeling the runs. I missed the beautiful countryside from back at my parents' and I was craving sleep. So on the Sunday I left my garmin at home and decided to go out for a nice, easy 5k rather than pushing a longer one. Somewhere along the way I had a huge mental shift and ended up running 2 loops. It was tough, but SO GOOD! I'm putting it down to new running gear (who said you need to be colour coordinated?!)! I'd forgotten how much I love the longer runs - that extra time gives my brain that bit longer to unwind.

In fact I was so excited by the whole I signed up to the Cancer Research Winter Run 10k on 1st February! Little bit scared...

Unfortunately (and kind of unsurprising) my muscles weren't a fan and I've got some pain in my foot. I still got out for 2 4-5ks over the week (and returned to this gorgeous sunrise) and did a couple of yoga sessions, but today I decided it was getting worse. So I'm sulking, looking out at the beautiful weather and wishing I was out there training for the event. Never mind...I know deep down it's the sensible option.

Eatings

A lot of buckwheat and rice porridge. Favourite combination so far is coconut milk, sultanas, cinnamon and maple syrup. Yum!

Some cereal bowls when I've been in a rush

Some amazing smoked tofu

Home made miso soup

M&S provisions

Canteen surprises - this bean chilli was amazing!

Thinkings

This week has been a bit tough on the old grey matter. I missed the ability to follow my meal plans and having the stress of deciding what to eat removed. I really had to try hard when living off M&S to try and go for balanced meals and meeting my calorie needs. And there were times at the end of the week where I was at home and hadn't meal planned, and my eating went haywire. I am getting there though...slowly. My therapist had to remind me this week that the meal plan was a guide to help get my eating back on track - not a law of what I had to follow for the rest of my life. I needed to hear that!

My anxiety hasn't been tooooo bad this week :) My therapist gave me a form to fill out when I had anxious foods which was really helpful to use. It gets you to talk about the situation, the thoughts going through your head, the physical sensations, what thoughts would have helped balance out the negative thoughts, and how I tried and could try to reduce the anxiety. Really useful to try out - makes me feel so much more control. Something else that really helped was my therapist saying anxiety is just a weigh up of the potential danger versus the control we perceive we have. And perceptions can always be changed!


Anyway, hope you've all had a fabulous first week back and are still full of all the motivation and hope that January brings.

2014 review

The adjustment after Christmas is the worst! You still find yourself humming Christmas songs, you mourn the last mince pie, the Christmas jumper gets put away for another year (just as it’s actually getting cold enough to warrant wearing it…).

This time of year always makes us look back and take stock of the last 12 months. If someone asked me to describe 2014 in one word, my initial reaction would be “exhaustion”. As years go this has been a hard one. But for all the tough times I've had there have been many points of the other extreme. I may have dealt with severe anaemia and B12 deficiencies; some days I may have lacked the ability to understand the point of getting out of bed; I may have spent times eating 400kcal a day and others stuffing so much food in my stomach it felt like I would explode; I may have felt anxious 24/7 for weeks; work may have pushed me beyond my limits; and I may have realised I don’t even know who I am. But I’ve also travelled to places I could never have dreamed of; moved in with someone I love beyond words; started getting help with my eating; restarted appreciating life’s little moments; readjusted my view of what’s important in life; got promoted; and spent time with people who matter. Those amazing experiences far outweigh those tough times, and the struggles made me appreciate those good times even more.

Bali

Singapore

Buckingham Palace at the Garden Party with my family

The Lake District with all my favourite people - my family and my better half

New flat moving in with the bf (and the best slippers ever!)

Last January I set a whole heap of aims for the year, most of which I didn't achieve. I never ran a half marathon. In fact I didn’t participate in any of the 5 running events I promised myself I'd do. I didn’t overcome my binging (though I have improved so much through the therapy - I think I was being overoptimistic thinking I’d solve it overnight!). And when I set these goals I wasn't expecting to be signed off work for a month, be on iron tablets for the rest of year, and start therapy for my eating problems.

My last iron tablet a couple of days ago :)

I did achieve a few of my goals though: I discovered yoga (how did I survive so long without it?!) and increased my body strength, and I did track more of my runs using my garmin (but not at the times where I just needed to get out and stretch my legs without thinking about time or pace). I’m also pretty good at eating clean…but I do know that I can have treats when I want…hello 80/20. And all this shows the most important thing – how much more balanced I have become. I'm improving my health, but not letting it take over my life.

Run with a hug from a muddy dog

So this year I have learnt so much about health and fitness, and am beginning the journey of learning who I am as a person. I’m so excited to start 2015 with a clean slate of health and fitness and take baby steps to who I’ll be this time next year.

So what goals am I making for 2015? Just the one: maintain balance. I'll be explaining how I'm going to do this in my next blog post, but in the mean time, I hope you all have a fabulous New Year!

E x

September goals

How is it September already?!

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I was dreading September. The dark mornings, lack of sunshine, cooler weather, the pressures of every one being back at work after the holidays.

However I've actually really liked the fresh feeling of a new start that September brings. And whilst the Christmas chocolates in the supermarkets are a step too far at this point (seriously Tesco?!), I'm excited for the baggy jumpers, cosy coats, coffee shop dates after work when it's dark, beautiful amber trees...all the lovely things Autumn and Winter bring.

I wanted to set some goals for September. Normally I feel the pressure to do everything all in one go: I'm an all or nothing kind of person. And I used to thrive on that approach (hello successful disordered eating history), but not anymore. Now I'm constantly riddled by the feeling of failure. So let's make some smaller, bite size, achievable goals.

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3 health and fitness goals:

• Get my foot healed and pick back up the running. I'm totally feeling the desire to train for a half marathon again, but let's not get ahead of myself. My injury's put me out of action for some time, so I doubt I'll even be able to run a 5k!
• Eat my 5 a day. I know it's a simple one, but it's something I'm failing miserably at the moment. I've taken eating more as an excuse to eat a lot of crap, which has probably been necessary to get everything I've restricted in the past out in the open, but I'm feeling awful. Give me nutrients!
• Wean myself off the gluten. My dietitian recommended that I get tested for coeliac's on the off chance it had caused my anaemia and B12 deficiency. Unfortunately for that I've had to eat bread for the last few weeks to make sure the antibodies, if I do have coeliac's, are in my blood system. And doing this has given me brain fog, stomach ache, and general feelings of blah. I've got my blood test tomorrow, then just need to wait for the results, but not long til I can ease up on the gluten intake! The problem is that toast is one of my favourite foods, so it's going to be a battle of brain over heart to stop eating as much of it.

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3 life goals:

• Move into the new flat! Me and my boyfriend are moving in together next weekend and I am beyond excited. I'm excited for getting to see him all the time (when I'm not away with work at least), excited for living somewhere we can really make feel like home, and excited for not living in a shoebox. What I'm not excited for is lugging all of our stuff up 3 flights of stairs.
• Walks along the river. We'll be living closer to the Thames in the new flat, and I want to use this an excuse for some after-work and weekend walks as the leaves turn.
• Do daily mindfulness. My therapist got me doing a mountain visualisation (I'll talk about it in a future post) and it is seriously helping me out during tough times. I need to keep practising this daily to make sure the thought patterns involved stick.

What are your goals for September?

E xxx

Those photos

So a few days ago I posted these pictures. When I first saw these each one made me feel a whole wealth of negative emotions. (Please bear in mind this was my "disordered, not seeing my body realistically" head on. I'm not saying people of this weight are in any way "large").

There was disgust, regret, horror, shock, self-hatred…and sorrow that my Mum’s friends would see me and think how their friend’s daughter had piled on some pounds.

This last emotion took me by surprise, I’m not going to lie.

I went through many years of not having photos taken because I didn’t want people to have a reminder of what I looked like. I would detag any photos that were taken and posted on Facebook because I didn’t want anyone to see them. But that was all within my field of friends – people who knew me well, and whose judgements would impact on me directly.

This was something different. My feelings were concern for my Mum: what her friends would think of her family, or rather her daughter. I know how parents are proud of their family, and that to some respect there is competition between friends and acquaintances as to who has the most successful family (just a point: this is not something my Mum has ever made me feel, more that this is something I’ve observed just generally). My brothers have turned out to be very sensible (in most ways), kind and thoughtful (though sometimes not to their big sis) and good looking (who’d have thought?!) individuals. To me the photos showed a happy collection of people, all who have their lives and s*** together…and then there’s me. Someone who is happy to let their figure slip (or so appears) and look a mess. That's how my Mum's friends would perceive me, and I felt that for some reason that would cause them to reflect negatively on my Mum. Ridiculous no?!

Writing Monday’s post helped me sort my head out. It helped me to rationalise my thoughts, remember the bigger picture, and get over myself. Seeing those photos brought a whole host of emotions, and identified new thought patterns for me to work to change. It made me realise how much I want to make my Mum proud. But on reflection I realised the way to make my Mum proud was not through the superficial achievement of being the skinniest daughter amongst her group of friends, but by recovering and leading the life they envisioned me having: a carefree, happy, and healthy life. 

And isn't that the life we should all envision for ourselves?

 

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E xxx

It turns out recovery is hard...

My feelings over the last couple of months have gone something like this:

"Oh my God life's freaking awesome and I'm eating and not thinking about calories and wow food and eating is amazing"

to

 

"Yeah so I'm not eating that healthily, and yeah, I'm not as toned as before, but heck, who cares - imperfections make us who we are"

 

to

 

 

"Woah, there nelly, I've got as much blubber as a walrus"

Photos were the catalyst of this last one. I knew I was piling on a bit of extra fat (well, duh, I'm eating more) but my Mum put some photos up on Facebook of some recent family events (just for the record, family events that I LOVED because I was able to join in, not care about eating or drinking, and for once be relaxed and enjoy the event). However the photos made me cry, shudder, and immediately contemplate fasting, juice cleansing, restricting, food group elimination, excessive exercising...the usual.

These were some of the photo culprits:

My initial thoughts on these photos:
Image on the left: Well hello there thunder thighs, and wow your arm's looking chunky
Image on the top right: Your hips are humongous and, erm, are you pregnant?!
Image on the bottom right: Are you hoarding food in those hamster cheeks? Oh, and by the way, your arm's obese.

Talk about some self-loathing.

Let's take another look. Firstly, I AM NOT OBESE. After the initial shock of looking so much bigger than I was, I realised I was not fat. Hell, I know some people work there backsides off to get down to this weight.

Image on the left: this is not a flattering photo. You did not know it was being taken. Those are your muscular runner's legs, those are your legs that can make you feel like you're flying. They're also in jeans that are now too small, and too tight clothes are never looking flattering. Maybe let's splash out on some new clothes to suit my curvier, healthier body yes? Oh, and how about looking at your other arm which is at a slightly less unflattering angle?
Image on the top right: again, that shadowing is not flattering. And yeah, you're tummy's a bit chunkier. But some of that is muscle from all those sit-ups you do. You also messed up your digestion from all that restrictive eating, so sometimes you get bloated. Eating more's the only way to cure this. (And look at that genuinely happy smile on your face - you're loving life right there).
Image on the bottom right: remember those push ups you do every day...that might have something to do with your arm size. Also remember how much you love feeling strong. As for your cheeks, unfortunately you weren't blessed with strong cheek bones and dimples - you're going to have to learn those cheeks.

And remember how happy you felt in each and every one of those photos. That's worth every extra inch of fat on your body in those photos.

So yeah, it turns out recovery is hard. But you've just got to remember to dig out that voice of self-love when it gets a bit dark. You're stronger than those negative thoughts.

Wearing a bikini and a new reality

So I did it. I wore a bikini. In front of other people.

I genuinely don't remember the last time I wore a bikini without covering it up with shorts and a t-shirt. Just the thought of showing off every inch of fat on my body filled me with dread. I thought people would scrutinise all the imperfect parts of my body - not just my weight, but my pale skin; my cellulite; my untoned stomach; my poorly done bikini wax; my varicose veins...the list goes on.

I felt like the moment I took off my clothes it was going to be like there a was a massive siren going off accompanied by a big flashing arrow, with everyone turning round to gawp in disgust. I thought my boyfriend would see me and automatically hate me for all of my imperfections. And none of this was because anyone had ever done these things - my boyfriend certainly not, he's amazingly supportive - but that didn't stop my disordered brain thinking disordered things.

I couldn't come on a beach holiday and sit covered up the whole time, so I locked myself in the bathroom for quite some time, gave myself a pep talk, and braved the beach. To my amazement, as I stripped off there was no flashing light or loud sound. Unsurprisingly noone was looking in my direction, nor cared one tiny bit that I was stripping off into my bikini. And, of course, my boyfriend didn't look at me like I was some ugly lump of fat. Which isn't surprising as, not only is it not something he's not seen before, but surely something every boyfriend wants is to spend time with their girlfriend in a bikini?!

So where did I pick up the courage from? After all, I have done zero exercise and eaten poorly for the past few weeks, am almost the heaviest I've been for years, amd am covered in bruises from carrying stuff round at the exhibition...so I'm not exactly in peak condition!

As I've mentioned in previous posts, the last few weeks I've had a new found relaxed attitude to eating. I've no idea where it's come from, but it's given me the head space to look at things in a new way. Before I would have been so caught up in my negative thoughts that I wouldn't have had any time to do anything other than panic. However being more relaxed has given me time to think about the situation I'm in and to look around me. At first I still found myself idolising people with tiny frames...and then once again realised that they were the bodies of teenagers. Which just made me angry with myself - adults are not supposed to look like children! Once I started looking around me at actual adults I saw women of all different shapes and sizes, all wearing bikinis and all looking amazing. No one was looking at them in a negative way at all.

One of the key reasons they looked so amazing was because they were all exuding confidence. I'm not going to pretend I know what was going through their heads (I'm sure they all have body hang-ups) but they were sat there acting like they were loving life, and wearing a bikini was neither here nor there for them. When I looked at them I didn't see their body type, I saw fantastically happy and confident women. And that's how I wanted to feel: happy, confident and carefree! Why should I be the woman sat on the beach covered up because of my own negative thoughts?!

And that's exactly it: we are our own worst enemies. We impose our own views on the world around us - if we think negatively about ourselves then we often think the world thinks the same about us. If we're judging ourselves on our bodies, then we assume everyone else is doing the same. In reality, people are often far too caught up in their own lives to notice other people. And even if they do, and they think something negatively about our bodies, so what? They may have a more toned stomach than you, or a more tanned complexion, but if they're judging us negatively based on our looks then their personality and good nature - the important things in life - don't even come close to yours.

The biggest favour we can do ourselves is to reevaluate the norms we've created for our own individual realities. Do they actually match the norms that really exist? I built myself a reality in which I thought everyone has the perfect bikini body, no one has cellulite, everyone has perfect skin, and everyone judges you based on your looks. In true reality the norms are that hardly anyone is so skinny you can see their ribs, that most women have cellulite and people don't spend their days judging you based on their looks.

I know this shouldn't have been such a revelation to me, but it was. As a result it gave me the confidence to sit on that beach, knowing I wasn't perfect, and not care. Being surrounded by women in bikinis, appreciating every woman for her own shape and size, made me realise how uptight and unrealistic I was being. And by being that way, not just in terms of wearing a bikini, but in every aspect of my life, from eating, to relationships, to work, I was denying myself the space to be truly happily and live my life to the fullest. Living your life terrified of other people's judgements, and your own self-judgements, is a half life. Recognise reality for what it is, and then be present in it - wear a bikini, eat chips, and smile :)

Thursday thoughts: Binging

Binging.

There are so many different levels of binging.

For some people, someone might say they've binged on chocolate simply if they've eaten a single chocolate bar out of an emotional reason.

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 Others may classify a binge as munching your way through an entire share size bag of crisps or chocolate.

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And then there's the binging where you just have to get as much food inside you as quickly as possible, you're not really tasting the food, and you end up with a stomach that's so full that you're in agony, you can barely move, and you want to throw up.

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I've never purged, but I can understand exactly why people do. If not to rid themselves of the calories and the negative emotional feelings, just easing the pain would be enough.

Plus there are the feelings the following day. I won't have slept because of the pain and anxiety and sweats. I'll feel disgusted and ashamed, like I don't even deserve to be a human being. I'm bloated, gassy, my stomach aches, my blood sugar levels are all over the place, and I don't want to be around anyone. 


To me the binge feels like a craze - I can't stop, and I'm completely numb, just grabbing any food in sight and eating it. And if I run out of the food in the house (I've even gone through the bin before) then I'll head up to the supermarket and fill up a basket or even a trolley. This picture may look extreme, but sometimes that's how I feel. I'll end up with food down my clothes, all over my hands and face, and I don't care, I just need to get the food in my body. I've even been to the supermarket to continue my binge to find food down my trousers and peanut butter on my cheek. It's so shameful to admit.

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In the DSM-V criteria (the standard classification of mental disorders used by mental practitioners) binge eating is defined by "eating significantly more food in a short period of time than most people would eat under similar circumstances, with episodes marked by feelings of lack of control." We "may eat too quickly, even when we are not hungry." We may "have feelings of guilt, embarrassment or disgust and may binge eat alone to hide the behaviour".

And what causes a binge? I imagine it's different for everyone. I believe there are two generic causes. The one that sits in the here and now, and the one that sits deep down below which causes all of our eating problems.

The ones that sit here and now for me are things such as:
- being alone in the house and having the opportunity to eat without anyone around
- feeling relieved
- returning home after an event where I thought it would be difficult not to overeat and managing to restrict myself...only then to blow it
- having something sugary or "disallowed"
- I also think just not eating enough makes our body crave food

Then the deeper ones - well I don't know what these are. These are the deep beliefs that cause us to have disordered patterns with food, and binge despite knowing how horrible it will make us feel, or how damaging it is to our bodies (I'll discuss this in a future post). 

We are constantly wanting to lose weight, get thinner and thinner. And what happens? We either get to a point where we eat nothing and become skeletons, or we can't maintain that and we develop a binge-restrict cycle. Binging is a common word in our vocabulary, and that's not natural. Binging isn't natural. Restricting isn't natural. What's natural is eating when we're hungry and stopping when we're full.

And making all of this worse is the sugary, processed foods we eat. The ones that make us addicted and leave us craving more and more.

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Ultimately to stop binges we need to understand what's causing our disordered eating patterns, learn how to manage them, and ensure we're eating enough and that what we're eating is natural and clean.

Next week I'll talk about the damage we're doing to our bodies from binging. But for now let's remember that binging can be a proper psychological issue, and that we shouldn't beat ourselves up. We need to recognise we've got a problem, and do something about it by seeking the right kind of help :)

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Hope you have a wonderful day,

E x