There was disgust, regret, horror, shock, self-hatred…and
sorrow that my Mum’s friends would see me and think how their friend’s daughter
had piled on some pounds.
This last emotion took me by surprise, I’m not going to lie.
I went through many years of not having photos taken because
I didn’t want people to have a reminder of what I looked like. I would detag
any photos that were taken and posted on Facebook because I didn’t want anyone
to see them. But that was all within my field of friends – people who knew me
well, and whose judgements would impact on me directly.
This was something different. My feelings were concern for
my Mum: what her friends would think of her family, or rather her daughter. I know how parents are proud of their family, and
that to some respect there is competition between friends and acquaintances as
to who has the most successful family (just a point: this is not something my
Mum has ever made me feel, more that this is something I’ve observed just
generally). My
brothers have turned out to be very sensible (in most ways), kind and
thoughtful (though sometimes not to their big sis) and good looking (who’d have
thought?!) individuals. To me the photos showed a happy collection of people, all who
have their lives and s*** together…and then there’s me. Someone who is happy to let their figure slip (or so appears) and look a mess. That's how my Mum's friends would perceive me, and I felt that for some reason that would cause them to reflect negatively on my Mum. Ridiculous no?!
Writing Monday’s post helped me sort my head out. It helped
me to rationalise my thoughts, remember the bigger picture, and get over
myself. Seeing those photos brought a whole host of emotions, and identified
new thought patterns for me to work to change. It made me realise how much I
want to make my Mum proud. But on reflection I realised the way to make my Mum proud was not through the superficial achievement of being the skinniest daughter amongst her group of friends, but by recovering and leading the life they envisioned me having: a carefree, happy, and healthy life.
And isn't that the life we should all envision for ourselves?
Source |
E xxx
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