Those photos

So a few days ago I posted these pictures. When I first saw these each one made me feel a whole wealth of negative emotions. (Please bear in mind this was my "disordered, not seeing my body realistically" head on. I'm not saying people of this weight are in any way "large").

There was disgust, regret, horror, shock, self-hatred…and sorrow that my Mum’s friends would see me and think how their friend’s daughter had piled on some pounds.

This last emotion took me by surprise, I’m not going to lie.

I went through many years of not having photos taken because I didn’t want people to have a reminder of what I looked like. I would detag any photos that were taken and posted on Facebook because I didn’t want anyone to see them. But that was all within my field of friends – people who knew me well, and whose judgements would impact on me directly.

This was something different. My feelings were concern for my Mum: what her friends would think of her family, or rather her daughter. I know how parents are proud of their family, and that to some respect there is competition between friends and acquaintances as to who has the most successful family (just a point: this is not something my Mum has ever made me feel, more that this is something I’ve observed just generally). My brothers have turned out to be very sensible (in most ways), kind and thoughtful (though sometimes not to their big sis) and good looking (who’d have thought?!) individuals. To me the photos showed a happy collection of people, all who have their lives and s*** together…and then there’s me. Someone who is happy to let their figure slip (or so appears) and look a mess. That's how my Mum's friends would perceive me, and I felt that for some reason that would cause them to reflect negatively on my Mum. Ridiculous no?!

Writing Monday’s post helped me sort my head out. It helped me to rationalise my thoughts, remember the bigger picture, and get over myself. Seeing those photos brought a whole host of emotions, and identified new thought patterns for me to work to change. It made me realise how much I want to make my Mum proud. But on reflection I realised the way to make my Mum proud was not through the superficial achievement of being the skinniest daughter amongst her group of friends, but by recovering and leading the life they envisioned me having: a carefree, happy, and healthy life. 

And isn't that the life we should all envision for ourselves?

 

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E xxx

Restaurant review: RAW at La Suite West

Saturday was mine and my boyfriend’s three year anniversary. It didn’t get off to the best start, when my boyfriend bit into his pain au chocolat that I’d lovingly bought him to find maggots dropping out. Way to say “I love you”.

However the culinary moments of the day definitely ended on a high when I found out he’d booked for us to go to RAW at La Suite West in Bayswater for dinner. He’s made some pretty big sacrifices for me in the past, but coming to a vegan/partly raw restaurant is definitely up amongst them – no nicely cooked steaks here (though there was at least Coca Cola...).

And holy cow this place was inspiring!

 

From the alcohol-free drinks list (including the RAW smoothie which is THE yummiest drink to ever have graced my lips) to the 50% raw menu, it really highlighted how vegan food (and getting your 5 a day) could not only be downright delicious, but also jaw-droppingly beautiful.

 

 

I had the pumpkin soufflé to start which looked so stunning that I could have forgotten about eating it and just stared at it all night. However, just for the record, it tasted just as good as it looked. The “soufflé” was made of layers of delicate pumpkin and mushroom and was served with a sesame-herb emulsion which was So. Good. My boyfriend had the beetroot falafels with a thai BBQ sauce. These were also ridiculously yummy.

 

 

For main I had the raw zucchini tagliatelli almond and coconut pad-thai. I’m always a bit dubious about how satisfying I’ll find a small dish of raw vegetables, but this was both delicious and filling. What I would do for the recipe for the coconut sauce it was in! It’s not your traditional pad thai, but it was super good. The boyfriend had a mushroom and quinoa burger in a sweet potato bun. The burger was actually basically the same as the falafel (containing beetroot) so was obviously still good but I think he found it a bit repetitive, but the bread was amazing.

 

 

For dessert we shared the raw cacao and ginger cookies. These were good, but probably the only think I felt disappointed by (probably because the rest of the meal had been so insanely good) as they lacked a bit of flavour.

The service was excellent with it being attentive but not obtrusive. The atmosphere was quite subdued, with the restaurant being fairly quiet for a Saturday night. I quite liked it not being so busy but if you like a “buzz” you might have felt something was missing (though I recommend you go at least for the food!). Price-wise the main courses were pretty reasonable (about £12), and the drinks, whilst some were expensive (my smoothie was £6.50), were totally worth the price. The starters (£8-9) and the desserts (£6-8) were a bit more on the pricy side though.

So all in all, I loved this place! Not only was the food great, I left feeling I’d had a truly healthy eating out experience which was great. The restaurant also does an afternoon tea: I’m currently searching for any excuse to give it a go!

It turns out recovery is hard...

My feelings over the last couple of months have gone something like this:

"Oh my God life's freaking awesome and I'm eating and not thinking about calories and wow food and eating is amazing"

to

 

"Yeah so I'm not eating that healthily, and yeah, I'm not as toned as before, but heck, who cares - imperfections make us who we are"

 

to

 

 

"Woah, there nelly, I've got as much blubber as a walrus"

Photos were the catalyst of this last one. I knew I was piling on a bit of extra fat (well, duh, I'm eating more) but my Mum put some photos up on Facebook of some recent family events (just for the record, family events that I LOVED because I was able to join in, not care about eating or drinking, and for once be relaxed and enjoy the event). However the photos made me cry, shudder, and immediately contemplate fasting, juice cleansing, restricting, food group elimination, excessive exercising...the usual.

These were some of the photo culprits:

My initial thoughts on these photos:
Image on the left: Well hello there thunder thighs, and wow your arm's looking chunky
Image on the top right: Your hips are humongous and, erm, are you pregnant?!
Image on the bottom right: Are you hoarding food in those hamster cheeks? Oh, and by the way, your arm's obese.

Talk about some self-loathing.

Let's take another look. Firstly, I AM NOT OBESE. After the initial shock of looking so much bigger than I was, I realised I was not fat. Hell, I know some people work there backsides off to get down to this weight.

Image on the left: this is not a flattering photo. You did not know it was being taken. Those are your muscular runner's legs, those are your legs that can make you feel like you're flying. They're also in jeans that are now too small, and too tight clothes are never looking flattering. Maybe let's splash out on some new clothes to suit my curvier, healthier body yes? Oh, and how about looking at your other arm which is at a slightly less unflattering angle?
Image on the top right: again, that shadowing is not flattering. And yeah, you're tummy's a bit chunkier. But some of that is muscle from all those sit-ups you do. You also messed up your digestion from all that restrictive eating, so sometimes you get bloated. Eating more's the only way to cure this. (And look at that genuinely happy smile on your face - you're loving life right there).
Image on the bottom right: remember those push ups you do every day...that might have something to do with your arm size. Also remember how much you love feeling strong. As for your cheeks, unfortunately you weren't blessed with strong cheek bones and dimples - you're going to have to learn those cheeks.

And remember how happy you felt in each and every one of those photos. That's worth every extra inch of fat on your body in those photos.

So yeah, it turns out recovery is hard. But you've just got to remember to dig out that voice of self-love when it gets a bit dark. You're stronger than those negative thoughts.

Wearing a bikini and a new reality

So I did it. I wore a bikini. In front of other people.

I genuinely don't remember the last time I wore a bikini without covering it up with shorts and a t-shirt. Just the thought of showing off every inch of fat on my body filled me with dread. I thought people would scrutinise all the imperfect parts of my body - not just my weight, but my pale skin; my cellulite; my untoned stomach; my poorly done bikini wax; my varicose veins...the list goes on.

I felt like the moment I took off my clothes it was going to be like there a was a massive siren going off accompanied by a big flashing arrow, with everyone turning round to gawp in disgust. I thought my boyfriend would see me and automatically hate me for all of my imperfections. And none of this was because anyone had ever done these things - my boyfriend certainly not, he's amazingly supportive - but that didn't stop my disordered brain thinking disordered things.

I couldn't come on a beach holiday and sit covered up the whole time, so I locked myself in the bathroom for quite some time, gave myself a pep talk, and braved the beach. To my amazement, as I stripped off there was no flashing light or loud sound. Unsurprisingly noone was looking in my direction, nor cared one tiny bit that I was stripping off into my bikini. And, of course, my boyfriend didn't look at me like I was some ugly lump of fat. Which isn't surprising as, not only is it not something he's not seen before, but surely something every boyfriend wants is to spend time with their girlfriend in a bikini?!

So where did I pick up the courage from? After all, I have done zero exercise and eaten poorly for the past few weeks, am almost the heaviest I've been for years, amd am covered in bruises from carrying stuff round at the exhibition...so I'm not exactly in peak condition!

As I've mentioned in previous posts, the last few weeks I've had a new found relaxed attitude to eating. I've no idea where it's come from, but it's given me the head space to look at things in a new way. Before I would have been so caught up in my negative thoughts that I wouldn't have had any time to do anything other than panic. However being more relaxed has given me time to think about the situation I'm in and to look around me. At first I still found myself idolising people with tiny frames...and then once again realised that they were the bodies of teenagers. Which just made me angry with myself - adults are not supposed to look like children! Once I started looking around me at actual adults I saw women of all different shapes and sizes, all wearing bikinis and all looking amazing. No one was looking at them in a negative way at all.

One of the key reasons they looked so amazing was because they were all exuding confidence. I'm not going to pretend I know what was going through their heads (I'm sure they all have body hang-ups) but they were sat there acting like they were loving life, and wearing a bikini was neither here nor there for them. When I looked at them I didn't see their body type, I saw fantastically happy and confident women. And that's how I wanted to feel: happy, confident and carefree! Why should I be the woman sat on the beach covered up because of my own negative thoughts?!

And that's exactly it: we are our own worst enemies. We impose our own views on the world around us - if we think negatively about ourselves then we often think the world thinks the same about us. If we're judging ourselves on our bodies, then we assume everyone else is doing the same. In reality, people are often far too caught up in their own lives to notice other people. And even if they do, and they think something negatively about our bodies, so what? They may have a more toned stomach than you, or a more tanned complexion, but if they're judging us negatively based on our looks then their personality and good nature - the important things in life - don't even come close to yours.

The biggest favour we can do ourselves is to reevaluate the norms we've created for our own individual realities. Do they actually match the norms that really exist? I built myself a reality in which I thought everyone has the perfect bikini body, no one has cellulite, everyone has perfect skin, and everyone judges you based on your looks. In true reality the norms are that hardly anyone is so skinny you can see their ribs, that most women have cellulite and people don't spend their days judging you based on their looks.

I know this shouldn't have been such a revelation to me, but it was. As a result it gave me the confidence to sit on that beach, knowing I wasn't perfect, and not care. Being surrounded by women in bikinis, appreciating every woman for her own shape and size, made me realise how uptight and unrealistic I was being. And by being that way, not just in terms of wearing a bikini, but in every aspect of my life, from eating, to relationships, to work, I was denying myself the space to be truly happily and live my life to the fullest. Living your life terrified of other people's judgements, and your own self-judgements, is a half life. Recognise reality for what it is, and then be present in it - wear a bikini, eat chips, and smile :)

When you're too busy to worry about food

Oh how I’ve missed blog time. I’ve missed it so so much! Unfortunately, the last few weeks were absolutely crazy, and as my life and income didn’t depend on the blog, that was the one thing that had to take a back seat. There were so many times I wanted to just put some thoughts on a page though!

The last few months I’ve been organising my company’s involvement in a large conference, including running a fringe event and an exhibition stand…and last week it took place! It was pretty much non-stop 24/7 for that and the preceding week, and to top it all off I had a job interview to turn my graduate position into a permanent position in the same week. I was running a fringe event at 7am in the morning, packing up the exhibition and event until early afternoon and then quick-stepped it onto a train to Woking from the south coast to just make it to the interview on time. I was running on my last bit of adrenaline at this point.

But everything was so worth it – the conference was a success (albeit not up to my perfectionist standards!) and the interview went well enough for me to get one of the jobs J

I stupidly thought this week would be nice and relaxed as a result. How wrong I was! I ended up travelling from the South coast up to Manchester for a new project on Monday and then was commuting the 2 hours from my parents’ house up to the office for a couple of days. It’s always so exciting when you start a new project, but also equally exhausting as you try and learn everything you need. With that and trying to wrap up everything from the conference and get everything sorted out for when I was out of office I’m pretty sleep-deprived!

I was hoping to spend some quality time with my family whilst I’d been staying at home this week, but it just didn’t happen which I’m annoyed at myself for. It was one of the few times that me, my brothers and parents were all in the same place. I did take yesterday off for brother’s graduation – I was one super-duper proud sister (though I can’t believe he’s old enough to have gone through uni already!), but I really had such little energy to participate. Still, an amazing day that I was so grateful to be there to celebrate!

However, the two most remarkable things that have happened these last few weeks were body image-related.

The first is that I could barely tell you how many calories I’ve eaten each day (but it’s been a lot). And I’ve just not had the time to be concerned with what I’m eating – I’ve had to grab food when I can and it’s often been additive-ridden supermarket cheese sandwiches full of fat and sugar and calories. This isn’t a diet that I would advocate(!) but to be relaxed enough to allow myself to do this is quite an achievement. I’m not saying there wasn’t any guilt, and yes there were times when I thought about restricting to compensate, but I talked myself round and compared to normal it’s been a total transformation.

The second thing is that I have done basically no planned exercise. In the last 2 weeks I’ve been on one run and done about 10 minutes of yoga. Sleep just had to take priority. I definitely wouldn’t say I’ve enjoyed not being active, but it’s because I’ve missed the feeling of exercise, not because I’m panicking about weight gain.

Like I’ve said, this is not a lifestyle I advocate: exercise and eating well is fundamental to our wellbeing, but we shouldn’t be uptight about it. Why add extra stress into our lives? Sometimes we can’t eat perfectly and we just have to eat what we can in those circumstances, and a few weeks of fewer good eats is not going to kill us.

I’m off on holiday today to Singapore and then Bali (I was dreading a 12+ hour flight, but now I’m seeing it as an excellent opportunity to catch up with some sleep!) which I’m super excited about. There are things that fill me with dread: wearing a bikini (I don’t remember the last time I did that – even at my thinnest I was too self-conscious); eating out all the time; having a sudden outburst of all the disgust that I’ve so far avoided feeling from the last few weeks. I just want to maintain that relaxed attitude that I have for the last couple of weeks. I want to enjoy my holiday and relax and be a normal human being.

I’m hoping to do some blogging whilst I’m away so hopefully I’ll get some blog posts up over the next week and a half. I imagine there’ll be some thoughts to share on bikini wearing…

I’ll also be around on Twitter and Instagram for those of you who like a good photo or two…

Have a fabulous weekend…see you in Singapore!

Meals and gratitude #21

I am in a ridiculously good mood!

As soon as I packed up my stuff at work I was literally skipping out of the door!

Maybe it's all the good food I've had?

Breakfast: unpictured cherries and nuts - unpictured because I was all over the place with meetings, people stealing my desk...

Lunch: a repeat of yesterday but with popcorn (although I ended up having this as an afternoon snack) - salad, houmous, spanish omelette. Good combo if you ask me. It felt like a whooooole lotta food though.

If someone tells me how to rotate an image in Blogger, I'll be your biggest fan.

Dinner: A rice, aubergine and lentil salad which was possibly one of the most garlicky things I've ever eaten. Just as well I'm eating alone tonight...and I love garlic. And I also had some more strawberries. THIS ADDICTION HAS TO STOP.

 

 

Gratitude:

- I imagine a lot of my good mood was due to the beautiful surroundings. I sometimes honestly can't believe how stunning this place is. It just makes me completely forget any troubles I have and feel like the luckiest gal alive. Plus I get to run along that - that makes one happy runner.

- Ed Sheeran's new album. Love. Love. Love.

- A productive work meeting this morning.

What was the highlight of your day?

E x

Meals and gratitiude #20

Hi guys!

Am just dropping in for a really quick post whilst I eat my dinner and watch Wimbledon. I always feel there's a lack of womble presence at the tournament. I want more wombles.

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Meals today have been:

Breakfast: rye bread peanut butter sandwich and frozen raspberries which were super mushed and difficult to eat by the time I got to eating them on the train.

Lunch: I used an M&S santini tomato salad as a base and then added a bit of their spanish omelette and a good dose of houmous. Really wanted some olives to go with but they're coated in lots of crazy preservatives. Not. A. Fan.

 

Afternoon snack: Some antioxidant-rich blueberries. Nom nom nom. In fact I nommed them too quick to take a photo.

Dinner: My fave nutty wholegrain salad from M&S packed with lots of protein. Plus strawberries so I can pretend I'm physically at Wimbledon. I'm becoming ridiculously obsessed with strawberries, and it needs to stop...they're so much more expensive than the good old reliable apple!

Gratitude:

- I got a new laptop at work! My last one was ooooold: it took more than 30 minutes to boost up, constantly froze, was impossibly slow to do ANYTHING, sounded like it was about to take off, was always super overheating... This one whizzes along like noone's business and it's all brand new. And it felt good that the company was willing to invest in new technology for me :)

- THE WEATHER! I could have totally done with my factor 50 sun cream today. I sat outside at lunch for 5 minutes and my cheeks have gone pink. Not good.

- A dark and dismal hotel room. Yes, it's dark and dismal, but that means the sun hasn't been beating down on it all day so must be a hell of a lot cooler than the other rooms. That's not saying it's cool - my yoga session was practically done bikram styley...

- Meeting my colleagues wife. She's moved over from Burma, and I've heard a lot about her, so it was lovely to meet her and fully understand just how friendly and amazing she is

- Brothers dressed in matching outfits. Isn't that the cutest?!

- A food and drink festival on in the town centre. The food looks amazing (one day I will be comfortable enough to throw caution to the calorie wind and go grab something yummy from one of the stalls...) as does the things they're selling it from. Yes, that's a double decker bus.

Monday motivation #7

Hi guys!

This is going to be a long week for me. It starts off with the exam today, I have a heap of work to do, I've got not only my therapy appointment on Thursday but a dietician appointment this evening, and I have to do a job application for Friday to allow me to stay at my current company...

So my blog posts might be a bit on the light side this week - I apologise now. I'll try and keep up with my daily round-up, and will of course be on Twitter and Instagram!

However I still wanted to provide you guys with some motivation this Monday morning (and I sure need it too!)

I do indeed hope you have a nice day :)

When I saw this on pinterest this weekend it instantly made me think. We never see the negative things we say to ourselves as "nasty". But sometimes we can be ridiculously nasty to ourselves. How about we try and stop all that negativity and tell ourselves how fantastic we are?! Because we are ALL absolutely amazing and unique and each and every one of us can be a gift to this world if we realise this :)

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Pretty much 24/7 the air has been filled with the smells of BBQs this weekend. I'm not gonna lie, I LOVE the smell of BBQs. I know I shouldn't: as a veggie/almost vegan the smell of cooking meat should repulse me, but it really doesn't! I was going to post some amazing image of a vegan BBQ, but then I saw THIS! Healthy fruit can just look so darn pretty.

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How amazing is that?! If anyone has a go at recreating this then pleeeease send me photos - it looks so much fun :)

Hope that's left you feeling motivated for the week. Have a great Monday!

E x

Weekend round-up: revision - it's not fayre

Hi everyone!

I hope you have had wonderful weekends. The weather here has been so wonderful!

I've done something crazy this weekend - I've not calorie-counted! Yesterday it was more just because it wasn't practical, today it was a conscious decision. I wanted to really focus on plain old clean eating. And that's exactly what I've done :)

There were some dubious cakes and biscuits yesterday, and a few too many tortilla chips, but I also had good balanced meals of blueberries and yoghurt and big Pizza Express salad.

It was a local summer fayre yesterday which I went along to with the bf. I LOVE country fayres, they're just so cute. There were horse shows, dog shows (sooo cute), lots of food stalls, a fun fayre. I'm not a big fan of rides (nor am I sure that either of us would have fit in any of the seats - they were very kid orientated!), however the 2p and 10p slot machines...well that's a different kettle of fish!

We did pretty well, keeping going for a good half hour with just a couple of pounds (and at the rate we were shoving the coins in that's not bad!). We didn't get the £5 note though :(

We went to our usual Pizza Express for lunch, and then to a Sugarpova. This is a sweet shop owned by Maria Sharapova, selling some very brightly coloured sweets!

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 I'm so excited for Wimbledon starting tomorrow! The sweets looked like quite good high-end sweets, however obviously full of a lot of rubbish. And quite pricey at £4 a bag! I didn't try one, but the smell of watermelon coming from one of the sweets my boyfriend tried was amazing, so I'm sure they're worth the price for a special Wimbledon-themed party or the like if you're fancying a treat :)

Yesterday evening I had the flat to myself, and in the Wimbledon spirit I had some frozen strawberries and...well, ok, yoghurt. I flavoured it with vanilla extract and agave and added some nuts to add a bit of extra yumminess.

Ate that whilst watching Celebrity Masterchef, and looking at new flats for when I have to move out. I also did some summer clothes shopping because the flights to Bali are officially sorted! I can't believe it's happening - I've never been somewhere quite as exotic as this so I'm ridiculously excited :)

Today started off in the most amazing way possible. Got up early and headed out for a short run. I decided to mix it up a bit and run a different route, mostly making it up as I went along. However it got to the point where I was going to turn off the Thames path to head home, and I just didn't want to. The weather was gorgeous, I was feeling ok, and so I kept on going. In the end I did 10k with 14 minutes of walking in there, and there were points I felt on top of the world. Such a great way to start my Sunday morning :)

I also refuelled with this beauty of a breakfast (and a lot of H2O since I'd not taken a water bottle with me on the run). Just the cooling meal I needed: frozen banana and raspberries with chia seed and peanut butter, and some rye bread with coconut oil on the side.

Today I had to do some revision for a project management exam I have tomorrow. Definitely not as fun as being out in the sun at a fun fayre! Made sure I rewarded myself with lots of dates dipped in peanut butter, and made this yummy salad for lunch.

I also nipped out for a wander to stretch my legs and picked up this coconut water. Perfect post-run refuel.

After lunch I don't know what happened but I couldn't keep my eyes open so had a bit of a siesta before cracking on with revision with this to keep me going.

I've now off to go and make myself a nice dinner :)

What have you been up to this weekend?

Do you like the slot machines?

Do you watch Wimbledon?

E x

Friday favourites #6

Happy Friday! So close to the weekend :)

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Here are my favourite reads from the week. Hope you enjoy reading them as much as I have!

This is something I am jealous that people get to do. Sunday food prep is something I don't get to do working away from home the majority of the week, but these are some fab tips from Laura at Keeping Healthy Getting Stylish.

Doesn't running in lots of bright colours make your run that much better?! An amusing look at the rise of modern day running gear from Lazy Girl Running.

Since oats really don't agree with me I don't get to enjoy the loveliness that is overnight oats .This buckwheat alternative from Gena of Choosing Raw over at Food 52 looks like an amazing substitution. I can't wait to try!

The really nosey part of me loves knowing what's in other food bloggers' fridges!

A really interesting and important infographic on obesity in the USA

Just hilarious! The dos and don'ts of marathon running.

These strawberry popsicles look so simple and so refreshing. Thanks My Whole Food Life!

What was your favourite read of the week?

E x

Meals and gratitude #19

Hi everyone!

I'm writing this to you with the World Cup match on in the background. I'm normally really not a footie fan, but have always watched at least 1 England match during each World Cup over the years, so this is my token watching!

It's been a fairly good eating day today!

It started off with some 0% fat greek yoghurt and frozen strawberries (they're just not as good frozen!).

 At lunch I had a salad containing lettuce, olives, pepper, cucumber, tomatoes, courgette and yummy houmous. Love the houmous.

I also had an apple just after.

On my way to my therapy session this afternoon I used my Holland and Barrett voucher and picked up these crisps and YoYo fruit rolls.

 Houmous in form 2! I barely got chance to open these before my appointment (plus I always feel guilty for eating just before I go to the sessions, which I realise is crazy!) so I finished them off on my tube journey home. So good.

Because I'd just eaten these and I got back late I didn't want to do huge amouts of food prep so I had this 2 minute dinner.

I know it looks like mush in a bowl, but it's one of my favourite evening treats. Frozen berries warmed in the microwave with cocoa powder and agave. The cocoa and agave mix with the berry juices to form a sauce :) On the side was rye toast.

  

A bit over on sugar, but my carbs, protein, and fat ratio was almost spot on today!

Gratitude

- Yoga for runners - my legs and hips are so stiff it's unbelievable!

- Cutest little girl on the train into work waving at everybody :)

- Being at home

Do you watch the World Cup?

E x

Thursday thoughts: Binging

Binging.

There are so many different levels of binging.

For some people, someone might say they've binged on chocolate simply if they've eaten a single chocolate bar out of an emotional reason.

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 Others may classify a binge as munching your way through an entire share size bag of crisps or chocolate.

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And then there's the binging where you just have to get as much food inside you as quickly as possible, you're not really tasting the food, and you end up with a stomach that's so full that you're in agony, you can barely move, and you want to throw up.

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I've never purged, but I can understand exactly why people do. If not to rid themselves of the calories and the negative emotional feelings, just easing the pain would be enough.

Plus there are the feelings the following day. I won't have slept because of the pain and anxiety and sweats. I'll feel disgusted and ashamed, like I don't even deserve to be a human being. I'm bloated, gassy, my stomach aches, my blood sugar levels are all over the place, and I don't want to be around anyone. 


To me the binge feels like a craze - I can't stop, and I'm completely numb, just grabbing any food in sight and eating it. And if I run out of the food in the house (I've even gone through the bin before) then I'll head up to the supermarket and fill up a basket or even a trolley. This picture may look extreme, but sometimes that's how I feel. I'll end up with food down my clothes, all over my hands and face, and I don't care, I just need to get the food in my body. I've even been to the supermarket to continue my binge to find food down my trousers and peanut butter on my cheek. It's so shameful to admit.

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In the DSM-V criteria (the standard classification of mental disorders used by mental practitioners) binge eating is defined by "eating significantly more food in a short period of time than most people would eat under similar circumstances, with episodes marked by feelings of lack of control." We "may eat too quickly, even when we are not hungry." We may "have feelings of guilt, embarrassment or disgust and may binge eat alone to hide the behaviour".

And what causes a binge? I imagine it's different for everyone. I believe there are two generic causes. The one that sits in the here and now, and the one that sits deep down below which causes all of our eating problems.

The ones that sit here and now for me are things such as:
- being alone in the house and having the opportunity to eat without anyone around
- feeling relieved
- returning home after an event where I thought it would be difficult not to overeat and managing to restrict myself...only then to blow it
- having something sugary or "disallowed"
- I also think just not eating enough makes our body crave food

Then the deeper ones - well I don't know what these are. These are the deep beliefs that cause us to have disordered patterns with food, and binge despite knowing how horrible it will make us feel, or how damaging it is to our bodies (I'll discuss this in a future post). 

We are constantly wanting to lose weight, get thinner and thinner. And what happens? We either get to a point where we eat nothing and become skeletons, or we can't maintain that and we develop a binge-restrict cycle. Binging is a common word in our vocabulary, and that's not natural. Binging isn't natural. Restricting isn't natural. What's natural is eating when we're hungry and stopping when we're full.

And making all of this worse is the sugary, processed foods we eat. The ones that make us addicted and leave us craving more and more.

Source

Ultimately to stop binges we need to understand what's causing our disordered eating patterns, learn how to manage them, and ensure we're eating enough and that what we're eating is natural and clean.

Next week I'll talk about the damage we're doing to our bodies from binging. But for now let's remember that binging can be a proper psychological issue, and that we shouldn't beat ourselves up. We need to recognise we've got a problem, and do something about it by seeking the right kind of help :)

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Hope you have a wonderful day,

E x

WIAW: Vitamin E

Hi everyone!

I'm doing my "half way through the week" dance!

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 For today's What I Ate Wednesday I wanted to talk about vitamin E.

Function
Vitamin E is actually a group of minerals (who'd have thunk it) that all have some fancy mineral names that aren't particularly important, like alpha-topocerol. What is important is how good Vitamin E is in protecting our cell membranes as a result of its antioxidant properties.It's fat soluble, and therefore particularly good at protecting the fat that lines each and every one of our cells. It kicks free radicals' little booties when they try and attack our cells.

Cheeesy face picture source

This is why vitamin E is seen as being good for the skin. These free radicals can damage the collagen that keeps our skin plump and wrinkle-free.
 
Vitamin E has been linked to preventing dementia and other age-related diseases due to these protective qualities (when cell membranes become damaged cell function can be damaged).

Vitamin E also protects bad cholesterol from free radicals. If bad cholesterol is attacked it can harden in our arteries, which in turn can lead to problems such as heart disease.

Recommended intake and deficiency
Males are recommended to take in 4mg a day, and women a little less at 3mg. We can also store vitamin E, so can drawer on our internal "pantry" of vitamin E if we have a day of low intake. However it is a good idea to make sure you're eating enough fat due to vitamin E being fat soluble.

Because of this it's rare to suffer from a deficiency, particularly if we're eating a healthy, varied diet, and symptoms are minimal if existent.

Dietary sources

Source

As usual, leafy greens are great sources (what are they not good sources of?! EAT YOUR GREENS!). As are nuts and seeds and plant oils.

- Sunflower seeds = 12mg per 1/4 cup
- Almonds = 6mg per 1/4 cup
- Spinach = 4mg per cup
- Swiss chard = 3mg per cup
- Avocado = 3mg per cup
- Olives = 2mg per cup
- Chili peppers = 2mg per 2tsp

So we should be able to easily get out vitamin E intake through our diet, protecting ourselves from heart disease, age-related diseases, and keeping our skin looking fresh.

 
So what did I eat to make sure I was getting my vitamin E?

Breakfast was moooore strawberries and some roasted nuts, including almonds - so a good dose of vitamin E there :)

 For lunch I had an M&S salad with quinoa and soya beans. Not biggies for vitamin E there, but all the veg will have had some to tot up a bit.

I also had an apple with that to fill me up a bit more.


Mid afternoon I had some popcorn to keep me going on the train journey home.

Then for dinner I had a salad with a good old lump of houmous, which contains tahini (made of sesame seeds - woop) and a few olives! I also had a date dipped in tahini, just to make sure I was getting my levels :P


 Was quite proud of my eats today :)

Again, still over on the fats, but I know they're healthy. I've got a time booked in to go and see a dietician on Monday so that I can speak to her about upping my calories etc. which I hope will be the next step in me eating more :)

What source of vitamin E did you eat today?

E x

Sources
http://whfoods.org/genpage.php?tname=nutrient&dbid=111http://ods.od.nih.gov/factsheets/VitaminE-HealthProfessional/
http://health.howstuffworks.com/skin-care/information/nutrition/vitamin-e-benefit-skin.htm
http://www.webmd.com/vitamins-and-supplements/lifestyle-guide-11/supplement-guide-vitamin-e?page=2
http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/vitamins-minerals/Pages/Vitamin-E.aspx