February goals

Geez Louise, it's almost half way through February and I haven't even posted my goals for the month yet! Or even finished reviewing my January goals...timekeeping fail.

So let's quickly wrap up how I did with my last few goals for January.

Fear

- Throw away the scales. Check. And I haven't regretted it once. For me they're evil things, which lead to evil thoughts, which lead to evil behaviours. No thank you.

Work

- Maintain a positive attitude. Epic fail. I did well for about the first 3 days...and then it all fell apart. Get me a new job please!

All in all I felt like I gave a pretty good shot at my January goals :)

February goals

I probably say this every month, but I LOVE the feeling of getting to set new goals! (Spoiler alert: since I'm posting these late...I've already told you about ticking some of these off!)

Pleasure
For fun this month I've set 3 goals:
- Celebrate my boyfriend's birthday and make sure he has a special day
- Enjoy going to see Wicked, and soak in the atmosphere
- Suck it up and deal with Valentine's day. I might not like Valentine's day, but I do like candles, so I'm making sure I light it up this V day.

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Health
- Stop nighttime snacking. I'm eating just before I go to bed for no. good. reason. I'm not hungry, I don't need anything to eat...so why am I doing it!? There's lots of other times I pointlessly snack, but I'm focussing on curbing this one time for this month.
- Minimise refined sugar during weekdays. I'm packing the grams of sugar in at the moment and it needs to stop. I don't want to stop completely, so this goal is simply about minimising sugar during weekdays and then being more relaxed at weekends. I'll do this through simple swaps such as having salty rather than sweet popcorn.

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Fitness
- Run at least 1 other 10k after the London Winter Run. I love this distance, and I want to keep it up. Sometimes I get a bit daunted by doing anything longer thank half an hour so I want to just relax and enjoy these.
- Do one yoga session a week. Things were starting to get a bit busy and yoga was taking a bashing. I prefer to do a couple of yoga sessions a week, but sleep is more important. So if I can squeeze one in a week, just for the mental benefits, I'll be a happy bunny.

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Fear
- Run the London Winter Run. Events scare me. I don't know why. I've run for years, I know my limits, my pace, what I can do when I put my mind to it. Yet for some reason when you tell me I have to do it in a certain place, at a certain time, with other people I freak the heck out. And yet I know I love doing events - I love the sense of occasion and the atmosphere! (I know, my thoughts follow no logic!)...but guess what, I DID IT!

Work
- Update my CV
- Sign up for job alerts
Can you tell I want a new job? These are the first basic steps. I don't want to rush in to anything kicking and screaming, yelling "GET ME A JOB, I'LL TAKE ANYTHING, PLEASE EMPLOY ME!". I want to make sure if I move it's in to the right thing, and therefore I want to do this properly.


What are your goals for February?

E x

January 2015 goals - Pleasure update

How is it already February?!

I had quite a few goals for January and I wanted to share with you how I got on with them all. I split my goals up into pleasure, health, fitness, fear and work, so today I'm just going to focus on pleasure. My goals were:

- Book theatre tickets. My boyfriend and I got vouchers last Christmas (yikes!) and have never got round to booking anything. We know we want to go and see Wicked, we just need to book it!

- Make the most of our week off at the start of January. It's already flying by, and I've spent an embarrassing amount of it sleeping, so need to get on with this one!

- Make sure my boyfriend has a wonderful birthday at the end of the month

- Write an email to a friend I've lost contact with

- Write all the online recipes I use frequently into a recipe folder...it's such a pain having to boot my laptop up every time I want to cook!

(I always tend to have a few more pleasure goals, as they tend to be more one off to dos, rather than ongoing challenges).

Book theatre tickets
Check!
I may have spent 30 minutes on the phone, getting passed between the same 2 call centre workers (!) but I got there. We're going to see Wicked this Saturday and I am psyched :)

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Make the most of our time off at the start of January
I struggled with this one. I spent the whole time wanting to tidy or mope around. Still, we did get out to the Zoo (!), went for a wintery walk, and generally chillaxed. Lesson learnt though: staycations are haaaard.

Make sure my boyfriend has a great birthday
EPIC FAIL!

Urgh disaster. With all my tummy problems his birthday was an almighty car crash. I've got some serious making up to do and need to get a "fake" birthday put in the diary.

Write an email to a friend I've lost contact with
Check!

Email written, and responded to - followed by a chain of emails. It was so nice to hear about her life and how she was doing. It had been almost 2 years since we'd caught up, and yet we used to live together! Proof that life can all too easily drive people apart if you take your eye off things. Hopefully we'll meet up next time she's in London.

Create a recipe folder
Check!

It's not fancy or pretty but all my recipes were written up and put in a folder to save me logging in to my computer every time I wanted to cook. Unfortunately my low FODMAP diet means I can't use most of the recipes...so I need to add some new, low FODMAP friendly recipes in.


Pretty happy with how I got on with these. Bar my boyfriend's birthday (which was probably the most important one for me which is a bummer) I got most of the way there. Looking forward to Wicked!

What was your favourite pleasure goal you achieved in January?

E x 

Chillaxing in an armchair

Hello everyone!

As I'm writing this I'm sat in my freezing cold lounge, still dark outside, waiting to go for a run (no, this is not me chillaxing in the armchair - that comes later!). Next week is race day and the start time isn't until between 9.30 and 10.30 so I'll need something to eat before running. The thing is, I never eat before running! The only 2 times I've ever eaten before a run were for my 10k a couple of years ago and a 5k years and years ago. Both those times my ongoing digestive problems were either none existent or much less problematic, so I'm quite worried about tummy trouble next week! Therefore today I'm up far too early for a Sunday to eat something light and give it a couple of hours to digest before I set off, just to make sure my mashed banana, little bit of yoghurt and some ginger doesn't have me running to the nearest loo! I'm doing a loop fairly close to my house so if I need to nip back I can do...(these last few weeks of digestive problems have not left me feeling particularly confident in this department)!

I'm not going to lie, I hate this waiting around. I like to get up and go before I get too comfy on the sofa.

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Happenings 

This week at work has been manic as usual, and as a result there's not much to rave about.

On Tuesday I got an email from one of my best friends. It had a link to a job advert, and simply said "I think you'd be perfect for this". Whilst the job advert closed the following day, and I wasn't in a position to be applying for jobs that quickly, it was a bit of a lightbulb moment. If I'm not enjoying my job, if it's taking over my life, and even stopping me from having a life, then I don't have to keep doing that job! (Yeah, I know, I should have figured that out myself!) Friends are the best!

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My Saturday was just lovely though. It started with my usual therapy appointment (which once I again I was nearly late for because of somewhat unreliable London transport! There's nothing like a brisk walk/run to a different station 20 minutes away to wake you up!) where we talked about rule breaking. I am so not a rule breaker - I'm a miss goody two shoes, a teacher's pet, a do what I'm told kind of person! And my restricting period was a true example of this. It was interesting to talk about how rules were either achieved or failed, meaning everything was black and white. I need to be aiming for more of those grey areas - eating healthily and sensibly, but not going overboard on restricting the amounts and types of foods I eat. When we feel like we've failed a rule, we're more likely to think everything's gone to pot and we might as well fail completely - cue binging!

Afterwards me and the bf headed over to Shoreditch in East London. We had a wander round feeling ever so mainstream (Shoreditch is renowned for being super alternative and trendy, having excellent independent coffee shops, and being the home of quirky cafes such as the Cereal Cafe - that's right, a cafe that sells cereals from all over the world!) but I loved it! It's always so refreshing to be somewhere with so much independent character.

We grabbed a coffee (fresh mint tea for me) in a great, small coffee shop with beautiful fireplaces. The tea was so good and my bf appreicated the coffee art! (The photo makes it look messed up but it was actually perfect).

We then headed off to the Electric Cinema to see Whiplash. The Electric Cinema is an independent cinema with 2 cinemas across London. Forget the hard, uncomfy seats you normally get with no leg room. Here you get armchairs (or sofas at one of the cinemas) with bags of leg room, blankets and small table lamps. It was amazing! The tickets are obviously much more expensive but as a treat (this was part one of my Christmas present to my bf of 12 dates of Christmas) it's totally worth it. If you're interested make sure you book well in advance - for a lot of the evening screenings the tickets go as soon as they're released (normally a week before the showing). Saying that, this 12.45 screening we went to was mostly empty, which was lovely!

As for the film itself - well I wasn't sure what to expect. I'd let my bf choose and hadn't given much attention to what it was about. Turned out to be a winner! The acting was amazing, and it was refreshingly different to the usual action/rom-com/sci-fi. Definitely recommend it.

The rest of the day was spent in front of a radiator under a blanket (SO COLD!) catching up on TV including new Big Bang Theory. LOVE that show!

Eatings

Because I'm back to working away from home and living off supermarket food I've been really struggling with this whole lowFODMAP eating. EVERYTHING has onion or garlic in it, or the veggie salads are all with chickpeas or lentils or beans. The first day I was there I had a massive fail and ended up just getting an egg salad (even that had cold new potatoes and onions in) and added some extra cheese. It was so pathetic! I did get a lot better by the end of the week, but I have a feeling I'll be surviving off a lot of eggs!

My egg and cheese salad looking so pathetic

Egg fried in coconut oil, and cheese, on coconut bread with fruit - this was actually so good!

No eggs or cheese - hooray! Smoked tofu with spinach, sweet potato fries, and bell pepper

Movings

Just the usual this week. A very windy coastal run on Tuesday morning and a great run on Friday where my legs just felt so strong! Let's hope my run today is as good! Managed one yoga session (the yoga for runners online) as well.

Thinkings

Job and life satisfaction have been pretty much dominating my thoughts this week. Thoughts about whether I really do want to change my job, or whether I'm just having a tough project, or even being ungrateful. Thoughts about what I'd do if I changed job - I'd probably shift out of this particular career as it requires too much time away from home and too many hours. Thoughts about whether I even would want to work in London!

I'm not going to go head on in to job hunting. I'll probably sign up for a few job alerts and see what comes through over the next couple of months to help me get a better idea of what I want to do first. I don't want to rush in to anything!

Hope you have great weeks!

E x

What do you eat before a run? What's your dream job?

Digesting my digestive problems

Oh dear, there's nothing like a cheesy pun on a Sunday to get things going..

Happenings

This week's been a fairly quiet one here. Finished one of my ongoing projects at work and spent some time working from home. There really is nothing that beats waking up in your own bed, then spending the time you normally commute going for a run in the fresh air, and sitting at your own desk in peace and quiet with your slippers on!

On Thursday I headed to my GP to discuss some digestive problems. I've had problems for years and have done my best to ignore them (because that always works, right!?). When I was restricting my digestive system basically ground to a halt so I blamed all my digestive discomfort on that. When I started eating more I developed insensitivities to a number of foods such as oats and most recently wheat. But the digestive problems went beyond that - stomach cramps, bloating (so much bloating!), constantly changing toilet habits (enough said...)...and it was only getting worse. I tried to constantly try and blame it on unhealthy things I was eating but it was clear that wasn't it.

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Since I started my meal plans with the dietitian I've been pretty much in constant pain during the afternoons and evenings. It shocked me how much how my stomach felt affected my self confidence. It was starting to get unbearable and I felt pretty helpless.

Whilst I was at home over Christmas I found out my Mum had been diagnosed with IBS when she was younger, and it made me realise I had to just face my problems and find out whether that's what my problems were. I don't know why I'd been pretending the problems weren't happening for so long - they clearly weren't going to get better, and a diagnosis was only going to help me find solutions.

I also read Roni and Sarah's blogs, and they've both been tackling their digestive problems recently. It gave me that added push to go and see the Dr. I love the blogging community!

After describing my symptoms the Dr said it probably was IBS. She explained that it's highly linked to stress and mood, and that the amount of stress my body has been under over the last year has probably made it worse.

She wasn't particularly great in providing any useful information for how to improve my symptoms, other than "try to relax"...gee, thanks. I've got an information sheet, and have already done quite a lot of research into things like the low FODMAP diet which I'm going to give a go. If anyone's looking for a great book to introduce the FODMAP diet I highly recommend this one. I'm hoping to go back to my dietitian so that she can provide some advice and help with my meal plans.

Movings

I took a bit of a break from running as I had some foot and knee pain from my 10k the other weekend. I managed to get out for a 9k though this morning and things felt nicely healed!

Other than that, lots of walking and the odd yoga session.

Eatings

Salads and healthy snacks to avoid uncontrolled eating whilst working from home.

Some hot water and lemon to start the day.

Post run waffles made with eggs and coconut flour. With sides of caramelised bananas in date syrup and warmed berries.

Eggs fried in coconut oil with a side of frozen berries. Breakfast low FODMAPs styley....oh yeah. And can I please drawer your attention to the size of that grape! It's almost the same size as the egg yolks!

Thinkings

The whole IBS thing has kind of thrown me sideways. When you've had an eating disorder and you get a good way down your recovery you kind of think, "great, this is it, we're back on track! I'm now going to be perfectly healthy for the rest of my life". You start enjoying food and trying all the things you've disallowed yourself from eating for years. You get interested in nutrition and remember that food is there to nourish us. You start getting to know your body again, and appreciate all the things it can do.

IBS is being a bit of a party pooper on my new life and I'm not a fan. It's making me not want to eat because of the pressure in my abdomen, it's making me have to start restricting the range of foods I eat (hello all my high FODMAP vegetables), and it's making me hate my bloated body. And that's not to mention the fact that my stomach is painful all. the. time. which makes me want to crawl under a duvet away from society and live a life of consistent drinking of peppermint tea with a cat on my lap.

I know things could be soooo much worse, and I'm grateful for all the ways I'm healthy and that I'm well on my way to recovery and eating the amounts I should be doing. But it is so frustrating when you're eating healthily and trying to nourish your body, and you feel like your digestive system is punishing you.

I'm really hoping that this low FODMAPs diet takes me a step in the right direction!

Hope you've all had great weeks!

E x

Back at it and throwing away the scales!

Did Christmas actually happen?! It already feels yonks ago that I was lying on the sofa watching Christmas specials and eating my body weight in chocolate. Can every day be Christmas please? Hope everyone isn't feeling too exhausted after their first week back.

Happenings

So much to catch up on!

My last few days of holiday were nice and relaxed. I was back home in London and whilst some of it was spent cleaning out rooms and de-Christmassifying the flat (does anyone else feel guilty leaving their part-of-the-family-for-the-last-month Christmas tree outside to be picked up?!) we did do a few nice things.

We went for a lovely walk along the river into Richmond where we had a coffee - or in my case a delicious spiced apple drink. Exactly what I needed to warm my frozen hands!

We also went to the ZOO!! I haven't been to the zoo in yeeeears. I'm always very dubious about zoos and am worried that the animals haven't got enough space or nice enough living conditions. On this occasion everything seemed great on the whole.

I was also amazed at just how many situation there were the animals were roaming free! There were ants roaming free, a bird house which you could walk through, and a monkey enclosure you could walk through. The monkeys were so much fun and so cheeky! I had one jump on me and try and steal my headphones from my bag! They certainly weren't shy.

And there were some times just chilled out on the sofa with a blanket and a good film.

Maybe the most significant life event that happened though was....throwing away my scales! These things do so much more damage than good. I've not weighed myself for a good few months, but for some reason had been putting off throwing them away. Well, now they're gone!

The week back at work has been a bit of a culture shock. I'm back working away from home again which has meant living off all that M&S provides. I've missed the South Coast sunrises though!

Movings

I RAN A 10K!!!! The first week I was back in London I really wasn't feeling the runs. I missed the beautiful countryside from back at my parents' and I was craving sleep. So on the Sunday I left my garmin at home and decided to go out for a nice, easy 5k rather than pushing a longer one. Somewhere along the way I had a huge mental shift and ended up running 2 loops. It was tough, but SO GOOD! I'm putting it down to new running gear (who said you need to be colour coordinated?!)! I'd forgotten how much I love the longer runs - that extra time gives my brain that bit longer to unwind.

In fact I was so excited by the whole I signed up to the Cancer Research Winter Run 10k on 1st February! Little bit scared...

Unfortunately (and kind of unsurprising) my muscles weren't a fan and I've got some pain in my foot. I still got out for 2 4-5ks over the week (and returned to this gorgeous sunrise) and did a couple of yoga sessions, but today I decided it was getting worse. So I'm sulking, looking out at the beautiful weather and wishing I was out there training for the event. Never mind...I know deep down it's the sensible option.

Eatings

A lot of buckwheat and rice porridge. Favourite combination so far is coconut milk, sultanas, cinnamon and maple syrup. Yum!

Some cereal bowls when I've been in a rush

Some amazing smoked tofu

Home made miso soup

M&S provisions

Canteen surprises - this bean chilli was amazing!

Thinkings

This week has been a bit tough on the old grey matter. I missed the ability to follow my meal plans and having the stress of deciding what to eat removed. I really had to try hard when living off M&S to try and go for balanced meals and meeting my calorie needs. And there were times at the end of the week where I was at home and hadn't meal planned, and my eating went haywire. I am getting there though...slowly. My therapist had to remind me this week that the meal plan was a guide to help get my eating back on track - not a law of what I had to follow for the rest of my life. I needed to hear that!

My anxiety hasn't been tooooo bad this week :) My therapist gave me a form to fill out when I had anxious foods which was really helpful to use. It gets you to talk about the situation, the thoughts going through your head, the physical sensations, what thoughts would have helped balance out the negative thoughts, and how I tried and could try to reduce the anxiety. Really useful to try out - makes me feel so much more control. Something else that really helped was my therapist saying anxiety is just a weigh up of the potential danger versus the control we perceive we have. And perceptions can always be changed!


Anyway, hope you've all had a fabulous first week back and are still full of all the motivation and hope that January brings.

2014 review

The adjustment after Christmas is the worst! You still find yourself humming Christmas songs, you mourn the last mince pie, the Christmas jumper gets put away for another year (just as it’s actually getting cold enough to warrant wearing it…).

This time of year always makes us look back and take stock of the last 12 months. If someone asked me to describe 2014 in one word, my initial reaction would be “exhaustion”. As years go this has been a hard one. But for all the tough times I've had there have been many points of the other extreme. I may have dealt with severe anaemia and B12 deficiencies; some days I may have lacked the ability to understand the point of getting out of bed; I may have spent times eating 400kcal a day and others stuffing so much food in my stomach it felt like I would explode; I may have felt anxious 24/7 for weeks; work may have pushed me beyond my limits; and I may have realised I don’t even know who I am. But I’ve also travelled to places I could never have dreamed of; moved in with someone I love beyond words; started getting help with my eating; restarted appreciating life’s little moments; readjusted my view of what’s important in life; got promoted; and spent time with people who matter. Those amazing experiences far outweigh those tough times, and the struggles made me appreciate those good times even more.

Bali

Singapore

Buckingham Palace at the Garden Party with my family

The Lake District with all my favourite people - my family and my better half

New flat moving in with the bf (and the best slippers ever!)

Last January I set a whole heap of aims for the year, most of which I didn't achieve. I never ran a half marathon. In fact I didn’t participate in any of the 5 running events I promised myself I'd do. I didn’t overcome my binging (though I have improved so much through the therapy - I think I was being overoptimistic thinking I’d solve it overnight!). And when I set these goals I wasn't expecting to be signed off work for a month, be on iron tablets for the rest of year, and start therapy for my eating problems.

My last iron tablet a couple of days ago :)

I did achieve a few of my goals though: I discovered yoga (how did I survive so long without it?!) and increased my body strength, and I did track more of my runs using my garmin (but not at the times where I just needed to get out and stretch my legs without thinking about time or pace). I’m also pretty good at eating clean…but I do know that I can have treats when I want…hello 80/20. And all this shows the most important thing – how much more balanced I have become. I'm improving my health, but not letting it take over my life.

Run with a hug from a muddy dog

So this year I have learnt so much about health and fitness, and am beginning the journey of learning who I am as a person. I’m so excited to start 2015 with a clean slate of health and fitness and take baby steps to who I’ll be this time next year.

So what goals am I making for 2015? Just the one: maintain balance. I'll be explaining how I'm going to do this in my next blog post, but in the mean time, I hope you all have a fabulous New Year!

E x

Make a new ending

Hi all!

Just wanted to drop in super quickly this Autumnal Friday morning (urgh, dark mornings already) as I'm up early to get out for a quick walk and to get on with packing for the move tomorrow.

There's something about moving that gives a feeling of a fresh start (especially in September!).

I found this quote and it felt so applicable to me right now. All my eating issues have happened, and I have wasted quite a lot of my life as a result of that and the self-esteem issues that we all have. Sometimes it feels like my life will always be defined by these things. However whatever mistakes we've made in the past don't have to be mistakes that we keep on making.

So decide who you want to be, and realise that that CAN be your new ending.

Have a great Friday and an even better weekend lovelies!

What would your ending be?

E xxx

We are mountains

Sometimes (actually, far more regularly than just “sometimes”) my therapist says something that makes me go “woah, YES”. She puts things into a way that I have never comprehended. For that second, life all fits together and I feel STRONG. I can overcome my problems.

There are two related things she’s said recently. The first was that thought patterns and behaviours are just habits, and habits can be changed. The second was that thoughts to us are what weather are to mountains (go with me on this one!).

She’s totally right!

How many of us think changing a bad habit is achievable? Most of us, right? Sure, it’s going to be hard, a long process, and a bit of a pain, but it’s possible! If our eating behaviours are just habits, then we can change these in exactly the same way. For some reason I’d never thought of all of my problems as habits. I saw them as cemented to me and my being, refusing to be moved without completely changing myself. That's so far from the truth.

Her second point about us being mountains and our thoughts being the weather started off with a visualisation exercise. I was told to visualise a mountain, strong, unmovable, rooted to the ground. The mountain stands there no matter what the weather throws at it: it's defiant and strong. I then was told to bring the mountain inside of myself, to feel rooted to the ground to see the weather changing around me, just like the thoughts that come and pass over us. Sometimes they’re dark like clouds; sometimes they beat us up like the wind; and sometimes they bring us happiness and warm our souls like the sun. But they always pass and throughout we are the strong, rooted person.

We have to remember that our brains are not static. We learn, we forget, we can change ourselves. We can learn not to think badly about ourselves, we can learn not to mess around with our eating, we can learn to have a good relationship with food. These are all good habits that we can learn and we will also unlearn our bad habits. If we were not capable of this we’d all still be wearing nappies, we'd never would say please and thank you, and we'd never would look before crossing the road.

And whilst we work to try and change our habits, we need to remember that thoughts are only a minor part of us. Our thoughts are fleeting and can go as quickly as they come. Yes they can be painful and cause us damage, but they can equally be uplifting and make us feel thankful to be alive. We have the control as to how much our thoughts affect us:  we can draw our awareness to them and simply watch as they pass on. We do not have to try and bury our thoughts, or dwell on them, or let them dictate our emotion.

We are mountains, and we are strong and unbreakable.

Those photos

So a few days ago I posted these pictures. When I first saw these each one made me feel a whole wealth of negative emotions. (Please bear in mind this was my "disordered, not seeing my body realistically" head on. I'm not saying people of this weight are in any way "large").

There was disgust, regret, horror, shock, self-hatred…and sorrow that my Mum’s friends would see me and think how their friend’s daughter had piled on some pounds.

This last emotion took me by surprise, I’m not going to lie.

I went through many years of not having photos taken because I didn’t want people to have a reminder of what I looked like. I would detag any photos that were taken and posted on Facebook because I didn’t want anyone to see them. But that was all within my field of friends – people who knew me well, and whose judgements would impact on me directly.

This was something different. My feelings were concern for my Mum: what her friends would think of her family, or rather her daughter. I know how parents are proud of their family, and that to some respect there is competition between friends and acquaintances as to who has the most successful family (just a point: this is not something my Mum has ever made me feel, more that this is something I’ve observed just generally). My brothers have turned out to be very sensible (in most ways), kind and thoughtful (though sometimes not to their big sis) and good looking (who’d have thought?!) individuals. To me the photos showed a happy collection of people, all who have their lives and s*** together…and then there’s me. Someone who is happy to let their figure slip (or so appears) and look a mess. That's how my Mum's friends would perceive me, and I felt that for some reason that would cause them to reflect negatively on my Mum. Ridiculous no?!

Writing Monday’s post helped me sort my head out. It helped me to rationalise my thoughts, remember the bigger picture, and get over myself. Seeing those photos brought a whole host of emotions, and identified new thought patterns for me to work to change. It made me realise how much I want to make my Mum proud. But on reflection I realised the way to make my Mum proud was not through the superficial achievement of being the skinniest daughter amongst her group of friends, but by recovering and leading the life they envisioned me having: a carefree, happy, and healthy life. 

And isn't that the life we should all envision for ourselves?

 

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E xxx