Meals and gratitude #12

It's the weekend! Yay!!!

There were just so many different ingredients I used today that when I put it into My Fitness Pal I couldn't fit it all into a screen shot, so you're just getting the totals today! Works out as 60% carbs, 27% fat, and 13% protein (they say you should aim for 50% carbs, 30% fat, and 20% protein) which I was quite happy with. Normally my fat is WAY over, and I would have thought that all the tahini and nuts would have pushed it up.

For a post-run, pre-shower snack I had a tahini dipped date again. They're just so good!

 

 I then had the usual green smoothie. 

For some reason I was going hot and cold this morning, and the smoothie was really refreshing! I had to stop myself from downing it one...

Lunch was leftover chili from yesterday with some brown rice.

Really enjoyed this today, and it definitely saw me nice and full!

I snacked on some muesli today, which was definitely not a good idea. I KNOW I have an oat intolerance and yet sometimes the muesli is just toooo tempting. So this afternoon I've been feeling as bloated and brain foggy as this guy, along with some serious stomach pains:

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Because I felt bloated I thought about not having any dinner but I knew that would be really stupid. So I just had some microwaved frozen berries with dessicated coconut, tahini, a homemade chocolate I made today, and some chocolate mush I also made. It was the recipe for Nutella from Deliciously Ella, but my blender wasn't playing ball so I gave up and ended up just with mush. It's yummy, a bit like a Nakd bar - you can definitely taste the dates.

I tried really hard today to try and do proper meals rather than snacking. I failed a bit - dinner wasn't exactly a meal, and I did quite a bit of grabbing random little bits of tahini or muesli throughout the day (incorporated into the totals in my food diary) which left me feeling pretty full. But I think it was an improvement. 

And I don't actually feel too panicked about the calories. I know I have a long way to go until they're at the right level, but they're a bit over my top barrier of comfortableness of 1,000kcal, and apart from my run this morning (which felt tough!) I haven't even left the house. So exercise has been looow.

Gratitude

A bit hard when I haven't even left the house today!

- My boyfriend's brother proposing to his girlfriend...and her saying yes :) I'm such a sucker for romance! And yay for future wedding times!

- Green smoothies :)

- This week being half term - everyone's been off from work and it's meant I've had no disruptions and could just get on with things!

- Magic FM providing some old school classics to get me through the day

- My hat and shoes arriving for the garden party on Tuesday...not that I've had time to even open the parcels.

What made you grateful today?

Hope you all have fabulous weekends!

E x

Friday favourites #3

Happy Friday everyone! Hasn't it come round quick?

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Here's a round up of all my favourite reads from the last week. Hope you enjoy!

I love love love the Real Life RD's WIAWs - I get so much from reading them :) This week's was a good read all about calorie counting

A perfect explanation of why the "perfect" body often means a horrible life.

I love all of Chocolate Covered Katie's food, but this savoury dish made me druel.

I love all of Roni's posts, and she does a fab job of showing the importance of loving our bodies, and also how tough that can be. I think she looks amazing in the picture in this post, and I love the video.

This is so interesting, on crying! I used to be like a stone - I refused to cry at anything. Now I cry at everything and anywhere.

An interesting idea that clean eating is seen by some as a "fad diet"

Have lovely Fridays!

E x

Meals and gratitude #11

A bit of a late post due to getting home late and a few technical issues. Why don't computers just do what they're told?!

Felt good to be back in a routine today, and have been really happy with my eats :)

I grabbed lunch on my way into work so it was just whatever I got find in Sainsbury's. I love this almond medley: it's a mix of roasted, normal and blanched almonds and it's just delicious :)

Lunch was a veggie chili I made yesterday with black beans, veg and chili. Had a good kick to it!

Not the prettiest looking dish though.

Still felt hungry after this, and needed to pop out of the office for some fresh air, so went and bought some popcorn.

Also had a Nakd bar later on.

Got home after my therapy session and the organic food shop was still open in Kew so went and got some more chocolate coconut yoghurt and had with frozen blackberries when I got home. It's just the best combination ever!

I know I didn't eat as much as I should have done but I think it was a reaction to the last few days.

One of things that was discussed in my therapy session today was trying to eat proper meals at set times rather than snacking. This scares me as a proper meal is a  large calorie commitent that I'm fearful to make all in one go. But I know it's something that I've got to move towards, so I'm going to make a real effort this week. I've already planned two of my meals for tomorrow so that should help.

Gratitude

- Having time to check through social media on my way into work on the train this morning

- Yoga first thing - I always feel so good afterwards!

- Chocolate CoYo - honestly so good :)

- The two young kids reading the newspaper on the tube back home this evening.

E x

Thursday thoughts: Self-doubt

Hi everyone!

I wanted to spend a bit of time talking about my experience of getting started with a therapist, as I had my introduction session last Thursday, and am about to go for my first proper session today. And at the moment, I think I actually am feeling worse and more unsure about the whole situation than I was when I first made the decision to get help!

The owner of the practice had spoken to me earlier last week to hear a bit about my background and to recommend a therapist for me to go and see, which was great. I was a bit fed up of describing my eating past after all the different referrals I'd been through, but it was nice that they'd taken the time out to get to know me and to try and make a suitable match.

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Then Thursday evening I went for an introduction session to meet my therapist and to understand more how the practice works. Up until the walk to the practice I had felt really positive about going. I'd spent so many months trying to get help, and finally I'd got it - in my head it was one thing I could tick off the list of things to do. But then on the way I actually started thinking about what this meant.


It meant that I was going to spend a hell of a lot of my parents money.

It meant that I was going to lose my Thursday evenings for a long time.

It meant that I was going to be put out of my comfort zone and asked to do things I didn't want to.

It meant that I was going to have to be completely upfront honest with a complete stranger.

It meant that I was going to have relive every binge and have someone judge me for it.

It meant that I was going to have to give up once and for all on the dreams of getting back to that skinny girl I was a couple of years ago. Restricting was going to have to eventually stop.

It meant that I may change my outlook on things as basic as hunger and perfectionism.

It meant that I was going to therapy: something I never thought I would have to do growing up.

I wasn't sure I wanted that anymore. All those thoughts of not wanting to put on any more weight, wanting to be free to restrict and be tiny, to have my life defined by disordered eating - I suddenly didn't want to lose them.

I had gotten so far in the process, and literally metres from the door I was considering turning around and backing out.

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But I knew that if I didn't go to the appointment I would regret it and my life wouldn't get any better. I would continue on the emotional and physical rollercoaster of restricting and binging, and I would never achieve any of those gifts of recovery.

It felt odd talking to a stranger face to face about my problems - but more so because I knew I'd see her again. Everyone else I've spoken to in much depth has been someone who was temporarily in my life e.g. a Dr, and who I would never have to talk to again.

Following on from the meeting I was sent a 17 page(!) lifestyle assessment to fill out asking me about everything from my eating habits to childhood traumas. Some of the questions were so hard to answer! I also got asked to complete a food diary. It asks you what you ate and when, who you were with, where you were, and how you felt before and after/any further thoughts.

I know I post what I eat on here but it's so much easier than writing it down and giving it to someone you know you're going to have to discuss it with face to face. I thought about lying, but realised that that wasn't going to help me in the long run. So this evening I sat down, filled it out, and sent it off.

I hate that her first impression of me is going to be one of overeating and lack of self-control. I hate that I'm going to have to relive my eating with her tomorrow, and analyse everything. I hate that she's going to use that  information to make judgements on me. What if it turns out that I'm just someone who's really greedy with food?

But when I compare the pain of going to therapy with the other option of not going and continuing to live my life as I am, then it doesn't become an option. This was always going to be difficult, and there was never going to be a quick fix. I know I'm making the right decision.

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E x

WIAW: Sodium

Isn't it so nice to already be half way through our weeks?!

On last week's WIAW I talked about potassium in our diets, and mentioned how it worked together with sodium in a careful balance.

So this week I thought I'd talk a bit more about sodium!

Sodium, or salt, gets a bit of a bad reputation for causing high blood pressure through over consumption, which can lead on to a whole host of health problems such as heart disease and stroke. One third of adults in the UK are currently suffering from high blood pressure. It is estimated that people in the US consume double the amount of sodium they need, and people in the UK consume 43% more than we should.

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So where do we get all this sodium from? Well 75% of sodium intake in the UK is estimated to come from processed foods, and another 10% is simply added to food at the dinner table.

Salt is a key ingredient in processed foods for a number of reasons: not only does it improve the shelf-life of food, but it can affect the flavour of the food and improve the colouring of food over time.

Processed foods can include anything from microwave meals, to canned soups, to even bread and cereals. All have hidden salt in that we can be unaware of.

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However for those of us who are eating clean, unprocessed foods, not exceeding the recommended 2.4g of sodium a day (or 6g of salt, which is roughly a teaspoon) shouldn't be too much of a challenge.

We need sodium just like we need potassium. It helps with muscle contraction (and prevents cramping) and keeps important minerals such as calcium in the blood stream. Salt is an electrolyte which sends messages around our body, in this case to tell it how much water it needs, and regulating fluid levels is important for blood pressure. Salt is also important for digestive health. Not only does it help us produce saliva and taste food, but it also helps break down food through helping produce a digestive liquid which lines the stomach walls.
 
A sodium deficiency, often a result of incredibly high levels of sweating (think stranded in a desert) can lead to dangerously low blood pressure and shock.(Have you ever craved something salty after sweating?)

So by eating natural, unprocessed foods, we should be able to maintain a healthy sodium intake.

If you like to add salt to foods for flavour, try adding herbs and spices instead. Sea salt and himalayan salt are also meant to be healthier versions, however probably still have similar levels of sodium in.

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So what have I eaten today?

I've still been struggling getting on back with my eating following the binges of the last few days. In fact today's been a hard day just generally. However I have made some sensible choices with my eating.

After my workout this morning I didn't have time for proper breakfast before heading off to the Dr's so I had a frozen tahini-dipped date. Love. They're so much better frozen!

I also had some crisps that were lying around. It's that "quick, eat whilst noone's around" feeling. So over it.

When I got back from the Dr's I whipped up some homemade almond milk, and then made a cherry and banana green smoothie with extra spinach to bust this anaemia in the butt!

(Worst picture ever?)

Was still feeling the binge emotions and so ate some muesli and cheese. And then panicked and hence nothing til dinner. Which was snacky and not nutritious.

So not the healthiest of days. And not as much as I know I should have eaten. So frustrated with myself today!

As for sodium, the crisps would definitely have been high in sodium, as would have been the cheese, nutella and hot cross buns. Definitely need to move away from processed foods for the rest of the week to keep my sodium levels in check.

How have your Wednesdays been? What was your favourite eat of the day?

E x

Sources
http://www.fda.gov/Food/ResourcesForYou/Consumers/ucm315393.htm
http://www.wcrf-uk.org/research/cancer_statistics/salt.php
http://www.heart.org/HEARTORG/Conditions/HighBloodPressure/PreventionTreatmentofHighBloodPressure/Processed-Foods-Where-is-all-that-salt-coming-from_UCM_426950_Article.jsp
http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/Goodfood/Pages/salt.aspx
http://getfit.jillianmichaels.com/sodium-important-diets-1307.html
http://www.fitday.com/fitness-articles/nutrition/healthy-eating/the-importance-of-salt-in-your-diet.html


 

Meals and gratitude #10

Today has had its ups...and its downs.

My eating today hasn't been great. I nearly cried when I saw the calorie total. (I know I shouldn't, but in the context of my binging this weekend it just hit hard).

I've felt "toxic" all day. You know when you're hungover and you just feel like you can feel all those gross bits of alcohol poisons lingering in your body? That's how I felt. I guess it was just my blood sugar levels being all over the place, and when I eventually managed to get some breakfast this morning I was feeling better.

I took my laptop to my workplace's cafe and sat with a peppermint tea and had nuts and an apple that I'd left there last week. It felt so good jut to get some plant power in me! The perfect breakfast on the go.

Then I went to a meeting...where my client had brought a quadruple tiered salted caramel chocolate cake. They always bring cake to the meetings, and so far I've politely refused. However this time I felt massive pressure to have a piece to be thankful for their kindness. I thought I'd at least think it tasted good, but it was a bit sickly, and it set my blood sugar levels all over the place again.

I ended up not having lunch til about 3.30 as I was still stuffed from the late breakfast, cake and all the messed up eating from the last couple of days. I'd been super prepared yesterday and cooked dinner in advance, put it in a tupperware box to take to work with me...and in the end I took it all the way to work, and all the way back home, and ate it at my own dining room table! I had gluten free pasta in a homemade tomato sauce, with veg, black beans and nutritional yeast.

I also ate a lot of bread, to the point of feeling uncomfortably full :(

I can't believe the difference between how awful I feel now, and how good I was feeling last week.

And at the back of my mind I know I've got to do this food diary for the therapist, and I'm dreading it.

I also rang up to get my blood test results. I've been feeling so much better (my runs have been visible evidence of how much more energy I have!) and whilst my levels have improved, the Drs want me to be on supplements for another 3 MONTHS! I know it's for my own good, and not really much of a hardship (other than paying for the tablets and it messing up my digestion slightly) but I guess it's just that thing about still being ill when you thought you were better. And 3 months seems so long - it's a quarter of a year!

I think one of the main causes of my annoyance is that the reason I'm not getting better is because I'm not eating properly. And the reason I'm not eating properly is because I need support in doing so. But the NHS won't give you that support unless you're severely under a healthy BMI. And as I said in my post about being ruled by the scales BMI means nothing! It's such a frustrating situation to be in.

Anyway, there's not a lot I can do about it. So on to the more positive side of my day!

Gratitude

There have been so many small little things that have made me really happy today.

- My morning run (albeit meaning I had to get up before 5am) was SO good. It was a drizzly morning, but it meant that the temperature was perfect, and it felt like I was flying!

- The allotments next to the train station (for which I'm on a 5 year waiting list...sigh) are looking amazing! You can't really see here, but this one had a purple shed, with purple fox glove and red poppies. So beautiful!

- Listening to great rainy day music, such as this from Gabrielle Aplin's English Rain album (so aptly named!)

- This happening at work today

- Getting so much work done on my train journeys! I'd honestly make the train my office if I could!

- Hopefully changing a little girl's perceptions on life, at least for today. She was looking at skinny models on the front covers of magazines, and so I picked up a New Scientist in front of her to try and change her goals in life.

- Being at home for the rest of the week :)

So not all a bad day today then.

Hope you all have lovely evenings.

E x

May reviews

I can't believe it's the last full week in May! *pulls her stress face*

I've got so much happening with work over the next couple of months, and for ages I've been thinking "it'll be fine, it's months off" and now suddenly it's only 4 weeks away - argh!

There are a few new-to-me products that I've tried this month and I wanted to tell you about. I'm someone who is so easily persuaded to buy things that other people have tried and recommended, but am always hesitant to just buy willynilly off the shelves. So hopefully my views will help!

Dr.organic Shampoo and Deodorant

I'd seen dr.organic products in Holland and Barrett for ages, but had never really given them much thought. Recently I've been paying more attention to the beauty products I use as I don't want to overload my liver with toxins from things I'm putting on my skin. I've always been dubious about how good these more natural products would be, but I'd seen a couple of people in the blogosphere use dr.organic products, including Laura from Keeping Healthy Getting Stylish, and my flatmate's a big fan.

I was SO impressed with these products! I got the Moroccan Argan Oil shampoo, and the vitamin E deodorant.

The shampoo didn't leave my hair feeling greasy at all, and actually left it really soft and glossy, which I wasn't expecting! The smell is quite herbal, and I don't think it lathers quite as well as normal shampoos, but I love it.

 

I took the deodorant for a pretty good road test on a long sweaty run and I noticed no difference between this and my normal deodorant. I was expecting a complete disaster, to smell gross and to be literally dripping, but I feel confident wearing this deodorant.

Both are quite expensive, but I will definitely be sticking to these products as I'm willing to pay a bit extra for something that's better for me and just as effective! I definitely recommend these products if you're looking for more natural skincare.

CoYo raw chocolate coconut milk yoghurt

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Co Yo coconut milk is 100% dairy and gluten free, but still containing all of the active biocultures you find in normal yoghurt to keep your digestive system ticking along.

I tried the plain coconut yoghurt last year, and wasn't so much a fan, however when I tried this chocolate versionmy brain almost exploded from the yumminess! I had it with frozen blackberries, and it should be made law that everyone has to try this. The cat may not look impressed, but believe me it was amazing!

The only sugar in this is from xylitol so there's far less sugar than in normal flavoured yoghurts. It's a bit pricey, but for a treat it's a definite must-have-again. I've only ever seen these in Whole Foods so you may have to shop around.

Innocent Antioxidant super smoothie

I used to steer away from anything green! Nowadays, knowing the health benefits of the green stuff, and getting my palette more accustomed to the flavours, I can't get enough of my greens.

I saw this when I was desperate for a bit of a sugar boost a while ago, and thought I'd give it a go. It's got a lot of sugar in, as most smoothies do, but it's got some added benefits such as flax seeds to give you a bit of an extra omega 3 boost. I love the flavour and thickness of this smoothie, and the added nutrients from the wheatgrass and flax seeds make it an even better choice over your average smoothie. The quantities of those extra ingredients are quite small, so I'm not sure how much nutritional benefit you're getting, but I'll definitely be having this again.

Have you ever tried any of these products before? Do any of them take your fancy?

Hope you all have lovely days :)

E x

 

Weekend round-up and Monday motivation!

So...eating this weekend has been pretty awful.

I'm writing this on a super shaky sugar high. I always promised to be honest on this blog, and this is pretty much what you're going to get in this post. No, I'm not sat at the point where I'm so stuffed I'm clutching my stomach in agony, but this has been the worst binge in a few weeks.

I always struggle when I'm not in control of my eating. Often I go to my boyfriend's at the weekend, and our eats are a compromise to us both. He eats Quorn (he's a meat-eater) which is so good of him, and I eat foods that I wouldn't normally choose: bread with lots of additives, peanut butter with hydrogenated oils and sugar, Quorn which is a far cry from unprocessed, we go out for lunch, I eat dairy...I'm very much out of my comfort zone. I firstly want to point out that this is not my boyfriend's fault at all! He's amazing at providing foods that I feel comfortable with, he never forces me to eat out, and, well if you knew him you'd know that him offering to go without meat is a big deal! As I said, amazing!

I just eat weird foods, and I'm not going to ask him to eat those things, nor buy them (come on, Quorn is enough!). But eating the foods I mentioned leaves me feeling a failure, edgy (probably all the sugar I'm getting that I'm not used to) and even though the quantities I'm eating are not huge it makes me feel like I might as well just shove it and stuff my face. Which is what I do when noone's looking. Plus I do things like stop off at Whole Foods on my way back home from his, with the intention of buying some coconut yoghurt. Instead I bought cookies and crisps, and completely forgot about the yoghurt. I've eaten bars of chocolate, crackers...the list goes on.

What makes it worse is that this week I was so proud of my eating. I ate foods that made me feel good, for the first time in ages I didn't feel bloated or sluggish, I was eating a little bit more and not caring. And look at me now. I'm physically shaking, feel bloated and my mind's fuzzy, I'm racked with guilt and disgust.

This is something that frequently happens when I go to my boyfriend's, which often creates this weekly binging cycle. Often I go to work on Monday (or in this case a Tuesday) feeling sluggish, having digestive discomfort, and not wanting to communicate with my colleagues because I want to be alone away from society.

And what adds to all the negativity?! I'm meant to be keeping a food diary for the therapist. And the first days she's going to see are me binging and showing self control. I'm not going to lie to her - how will that help me in the long run? But I dread looking in to her eyes and discussing it.

But this is why I'm seeking help. I binge like this because I restrict myself from eating foods I want to. We need to eat foods we want, even if it's something we feel is "unhealthy", as otherwise binging happens. We also need to get rid of the negative thoughts, put the bad eating to one side, and move back to our healthy selves. Beating ourselves up is not going to undo what we've done, nor make us feel better, so why do it?

So, leaving that all behind...what are the positives of my weekend?

I spent a whole 3 days with my boyfriend! With me working away from home most of the week this happens so rarely. We had a pretty chilled out weekend, which was actually just what I needed after the stresses of last week (I normally hate doing nothing!). Saturday we just relaxed, and I dragged him to the shops to look at hats for the garden party. I didn't end up getting anything, but it was necessary just for me to get fed up of looking at hats and make the decision that anything I can get online will do! Otherwise I'll still be traipsing round looking for the perfect hat on the day of the garden party. We went out for lunch at Pizza Express (we go there so often the waiters know us...and we probably also know far too much about them. But I actually really like getting such a friendly greeting and that personal touch when you go to a restaurant!). Pizza Express has become my "eating out location of safety". They have their leggera menu which is all low calorie, and their nutritional information is online. Therefore I know what I'm eating, and have my safe choices so that I feel calm and unstressed eating out. And to be honest, their superfood leggera salad is AMAZING! It's the biggest plate of yumminess you'll ever see.Still, I want to get to a place where I can eat one of their normal pizzas (some of them sound soooo good) without panicking or feeling guilty. One pizza is not going to harm me!

Sunday I got out for a fab 3 mile run first thing. At one point I was doing 8.30min mile pace, which I jumped for joy at...and then quickly put a stop to when I realised that it would kill me before the run was up.

There was a very awkward 10 minutes or so when I suddenly was being followed by a running group. They were right on my tail (boy did they force me to keep pace), and I wasn't sure whether I felt like the pied paper or like I was being chased. I was a bit scared that if I turned round, these guys would be following me:

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As I said, a good reason to keep pace!

Wandered round the local common in the afternoon to make the most of the sunny spells and to get some fresh air.

Otherwise Saturday and Sunday were spent watching films (Sideways is a good one if you want a light hearted comedy!) and reruns of various TV series.

Today me and my boyfriend spent the morning looking at holidays in places like this:

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We've been on city breaks together, but this year we thought we'd treat ourselves to something extra special as my boyfriend has access to some good deals. I never thought I'd be going to somewhere like this ever!

I also finally went and picked up a mobile phone that works! I broke my Samsung S3 after taking it running a couple of months ago, and have been hoping (rather stupidly!) that the situation would just resolve itself. Of course it didn't, and rather than upgrading early which would have cost a fortune, I just bought a temporary smart phone which would see me through the next few months. So hopefully I'll be a bit more connected now to Twitter, Instagram etc.! I'm unbelievably excited!

Anyway if you're not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow, or the weather's getting you down (although secretly I quite liked this rainy weather - gives you a good excuse to snuggle down in a coffee shop and watch the world go by!) then hopefully the following will help you. I know I need a bit of motivation to pick me up off the horrible eating floor.

This song came on my MP3 player on Wednesday morning. The sun was out, I was off work, and everything just felt so good!

I love this quote. It makes me see each day the same as opening a present. There's so many new possibilities in each and every day.

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The rest of the week down here in London is going to be a bit pants in terms of weather. This chili recipe from the amazing Kathy at Healthy Happy Life looks so warming and lovely, and will pack you full of yummy plant power goodness :) Plus anything that is speedy to make is my friend!

Hope your weeks get off to a good start!

Did you have exciting weekends?

E x

Meals and gratitude #9

Weekend!

Have been constantly hungry today! And I was quite proud of myself as when I was hungry I did get something to eat. I definitely probably would have liked more than I did, but it's a step.

Breakfast was another repeat smoothie and I had a Nakd bar mid-morning.

Lunch was leftover pesto gluten-free pasta from yesterday, and some tahini-drizzled cherries. I'm obsessed with tahini at the moment - I want it on everything!

On the way home I picked up some popcorn as I was starving, and once back I had some pepper and cherries with tahini (counted in with the snacks and pepper at lunch).

And am currently sat with my feet up with a cup of tea as I'm suddenly shattered! I think the stress of the last few days has finally caught up with me.

Exercise-wise I was up at 5.30 to get out for a run. My legs felt so tired, even though I had a rest day yesterday. Still, I managed a 5.8mph pace :)

Gratitude

- Having another day in the London office - I get so much more work done there!

- Leaving work a bit early and avoiding the rush hour

- Heading off to spend the weekend at my boyfriend's - I miss him during the week!

- Looking forward to a 3 day weekend :)

Have lovely weekends!

E x

Friday favourites #3

Happy Friday everyone! *breathes a sigh of relief for a 3 day weekend*

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I have to say it makes life much better when you take a Wednesday off - the end of the week comes round so quickly!

As usual, here are some of my favourites from across the web this week. So kick back and enjoy :)



This is a bit of a shocker. No wonder we have messed up perceptions of what a healthy body is.

It seems so fitting to me that tears are as unique as snowflakes. Fascinating read.

Man do I wish that I had the Real Life RD sat on my shoulder all day, telling me lots of health facts. She's just awesome.

This is just so fun! Plus it involves peanut butter, so automatic win.

Since my phone has been broken I've felt a little bit lost. Maybe I'm too addicted and should try a tech detox.

Not only is this picture beautiful, but the words in the description are just inspiring.

Why imperfection is beautiful, from the lovely Laura at Keeping Healthy Getting Stylish.

I thought this was interesting. I've recently started doing some very basic yoga, and I love it. I'd be interested to know if any of you with eating disorders have found it therapeutic in any way.

Run Eat Repeat talks about binging.

I hope you all enjoy your long weekends and that we get some sunshine!

E x

Meals and gratitude #8

Today I went to an introduction session with a therapist. We didn't barely talk about much other than my basic problems, and how they worked, but I was mentally exhausted by the time I finished! I'll write more in a separate blog post.

I was fairly happy with my eats today. I had the same smoothie as yesterday with cherries, banana and spinach. It got some odd looks from people in the office when they saw the colour!

Lunch was pesto gluten-free pasta with kale and pepper, and I had a Nakd bar as a snack mid-afternoon.

Currently sat in Pret eating sweet and salty popcorn, which is just what I needed, and then I'll have probably have a couple of things when I get home. There won't be time for a proper dinner before bed!

I think on the whole I haven't gone crazy, and have been pretty healthy :)

I've been grateful for a few things today:

- The therapist being nice!

- Having time with my manager FINALLY to get some questions answered

- A bit of a resolution to some difficulties we've been having on my work project

- Being in London and seeing my colleagues' lovely faces :)

- My new smoothie tumbler for taking smoothies to work. LOVE IT!

- A crazy thunder storm!

How were your Thursdays?

E x

Thursday thoughts: ditch the diet foods

Hi everyone!

Today I wanted to focus on beliefs that low calorie foods are best...and more importantly why that's not always the case!

For ages I was obsessed with low calorie foods. If it said low calorie, or low fat, then I thought it must be safe. In supermarkets I would stand for ages picking up various versions of the same product comparing which was lowest in calories, even if it was just 1 or 2 kcal. Food shopping was a sloooow experience!

For me, it was a numbers game. At my worst that number was 600kcal in a day, and there was no going over that without my day turning into a disaster. My uni notebooks were full of scribblings of sums where I'd plan what I was going to eat at what time, and how many calories it all added up to.

I wanted the highest volume of food I could get for my calories, rather than quality, and therefore I focussed on whatever foods provided me with the lowest calories. Plus, eating a food labelled as a "diet food" made me feel better in myself, like I was eating the option that represented a "good", "healthy" and "virtuous" person. So silly.

If I ever allowed myself bread, it would be white bread as it would have fewer calories than wholemeal. I ate Special K for breakfast. I went through a stage where my lunch would be a single packet of Maltesers so that I could get my chocolate fix but at low calories (as they were seen as the "lighter" chocolate bar). I became obsessed with Snack-a-Jacks and rice cakes because they were dubbed a diet food. A Mini Milk ice lolly would be dinner, again because it would be a low calorie way of pleasing my sweet tooth. If I ever had anything like houmous or cottage cheese it would have to be the low fat version, otherwise I'd walk away.

In my head it was the calories and lack of fat that dictated what my safe foods were. Never once did I think (or probably want to think) about the fact that what I was eating wasn't nourishing, and in fact harming my body.

By eating white bread I might have been saving myself 10 or 20 calories, but I was depriving my body of added fibre, and pumping it full of sugar. The fibre would have kept me fuller for longer, along with all the benefits of good digestion.

Often, when foods take the fat out to make them "low fat" they lose their taste. To replace this, they fill them with sugar. The image below shows that Special K Red Berries (a so-called "diet food") has basically the same amount of sugar in the same sized serving of Coco Pops! And there's no protein, no fibre - nothing to make it nutritionally appealing. Plus it has a whole heap of nasty ingredients. Compare that to the oats on the right (with just the one, healthy ingredient) and for a portion size over 50% bigger you've only added another 50 calories, but have cut the sugar down to 0, and increased your fibre and protein. Yet because oats weren't labelled a diet food and contained more calories per serving I felt guilty eating them.

Source A     Source B     Source C

This packet of 18 (really!? 18 is nothing!) Maltesers is not only full of rubbish but was 187 calories. I could have replaced it with this bowl of fruit, paired it with some protein, and felt more sustained, concentrated better in the afternoon, and gained more nutrients. And which looks more colourful and appealing to the senses?

Source A     Source B

OK, so Maltesers are not seen as a diet food, but were marketed as the choice for people who wanted a light chocolate bar. Therefore they what I chose to get my fix.

Often in order for a diet food to become low calorie they must strip the original food source of much of its original source as possible, and the bits that get chucked away often contain the nutrition. Think about eggs: often people get rid of the yolk to avoid the most calorie-dense part, yet that is the most nutrient dense part too!

All of that rubbish and minimal nutrients are going into our bodies in an aim to slim down and keep our calories below our "accepted" levels. However, what I never thought of was this:

If I'm not eating enough, then I'm not getting the necessary opportunities to give my body what it needs.

By depriving our bodies of food, we're depriving our bodies of the ESSENTIAL things that we need to survive.And as a a result our bodies cannot function like they should.

And you know what, fruit and veg are HEALTHY low calorie foods. In fact all "clean", minimally processed foods are generally pretty low in calories. But calories are not what is important here. What is important here is that we give our bodies what they need. And to get all of those nutrients and all of that energy that we need to function properly and GLOW we need to eat our recommended daily allowance of calories - there's no other option and we shouldn't want another option.

And if we don't get what we need, we damage not only our bodies, but our minds. Various vitamins and minerals affect our mood (hello chocolate - thank you for boosting our happy hormone serotonin!). As I found, B12 deficiency results in increased levels of low mood and anxiety, both things which will fuel negative self-thoughts and issues around eating. If you have disordered eating, or low body image, you HAVE to eat to help get better. Yes, there is a whole host of other things you need to recover, like additional help from a qualified therapist, but if you're not fuelling your mind and body properly, you will already be making your journey of recovery more difficult. And I know that's not what I want!

However food nourishes our minds in other ways: it brings people together round a dinner table, a chocolate bar or an ice cream can make our days, and the satisfaction of making a meal ourselves is so good! So remember we don't just have to eat 100% clean 100% of the time - that's leaving part of our brains unnourished!

So guys, ditch the diet foods, and remember that the main point of food and eating is to nourish our bodies and minds. So throw out the cardboard-tasting snacks and eat foods that you'll actually enjoy :)

Hope you all have lovely days!

E x

WIAW #3: Potassium

Hi everyone!

We're half way through the week :)

I've had such a lovely day today. I woke up to sunshine and it put me in a great mood straight away. I went for a run and kept an average pace of 10 min/miles, which is just such a change from even just 4 weeks ago! I had a chat with a potential private clinic about getting help for my disordered eating and have an introductory session tomorrow evening, which I'm both excited and terrified about. I've had a blood test to check my iron and B12 levels are back to normal, cleaned the flat and did washing, made almond milk and prepped meals for the next couple of days, bought flowers and chocolates for my flatmate as it's the last exam of her phd tomorrow, went for dinner with my boyfriend and his parents...and went to the Chelsea Flower Show!! It's been packed but so good :)

But it's What I Ate Wednesday time. Each week I want to focus on a different nutrient, to show how important each and every one is, and why we need to eat a healthy diet (in content and volume) to ensure we meet our needed amounts.

Today I want to focus on potassium. Potassium is important for keeping the right mineral and fluid levels in the blood, without which our heart and nervous system wouldn't work so well.

Diets high in potassium are associated with:

- better blood pressure control

- kidney health

- better muscle contraction, including the heart

- stronger bones, particularly in older women

- lower risks of stroke

On the whole, if you eat your recommended amounts of fruit and veg you should be able to meet the recommended daily allowance of 4,700mg (5,100mg for breastfeeding women). However many of us don't eat the 5 (or more) recommended portions of fruit and veg, either due to poor diet or restricted eating, and anyone who sweats a lot (for example through exercise if you're like me) will lose potassium. In runners this may mean your muscles are not recovering as effectively if your potassium levels are low.

Potassium deficiency (or hypokalaemia) can cause weakness, muscle cramping, digestive issues, and fainting due to low blood pressure.

Bananas are traditionally seen as one of the richest potassium sources (one of the reasons they're a runner's favourite post-run fuel), containing 422mg per banana, however there are other foods that have even greater potassium doses:

Source

Green leafy vegetables are your best source
- 1 cup of swiss chard = 960mg
- 1 cup of spinach = 840mg
- 1 cup of bok choy = 630mg

If green veg isn't your thing here are other great sources of potassium:
- 1 cup of cantaloupe melon = 427mg
- 1 cup of tomatoes = 426mg
- 1 cup carrots = 390mg

Alternatively pick up a coconut water. A normal small carton contains 740mg of potassium!

It's important that for potassium to do its job properly, you must make sure you're not having too much sodium, which processed food is often laden with. To keep things in check, make sure you're getting your potassium from natural sources like those above.

My breakfast today was a green smoothie which contained both banana and spinach so double the potassium loving! It also contained cherries, flaxseed and almond milk - it was the yummiest smoothie yet! I also had a frozen tahini-filled date which was exactly what I needed post-run.

Lunch was a bit snacky (I was panicking a bit as I was going out for dinner, and I hate not knowing what I'll be having or planning how many calories will be involved). Probably minimal potassium there.

Dinner ended up being at this amazing Italian restaurant, Sale e Pepe in Knightsbridge, with my boyfriend and his parents. The food was great, but the service was better. I have never seen waiters with so much energy and excitement, and they were constantly singing and bouncing around. I definitely recommend it! Pasta main dishes are averagely priced, but the other mains and starters are quite pricey, so it's more of a treat. I had asparagus to start (another good source of potassium at 403mg a cup) and then gnocchi in a tomato, basil and mozzarella sauce. Was hoping I'd be able to avoid the mozzarella but it was truly melted in the sauce. Tomatoes, however, another great source of potassium!

I was panicking a bit today about the calories, and whilst I can't be sure my dinner is accurate (I haven't included any oil of which I'm sure there was plenty...) I was surprised by the total. I feel incredibly stuffed! And I would say my potassium levels were pretty good today!

 Exercise today was a run this morning where I averaged a 6mph pace - so chuffed! I also totalled up over 14,000 steps just tootling around :)

 And to finish off, here are a few of  my fave pictures from the day :)

Clockwise: tartan garden!; a dress...made from flowers; anyone want to buy a T-Rex head made of shells?!; the Alan Titchmarsh garden "Over the hills...and far away".

Hope you all had lovely days!

E x

Sources:
http://umm.edu/health/medical/altmed/supplement/potassium
http://www.eatright.org/Public/content.aspx?id=6801
http://www.whfoods.com/genpage.php?dbid=90&tname=nutrient
http://www.webmd.com/vitamins-and-supplements/lifestyle-guide-11/supplement-guide-potassium
http://www.webmd.boots.com/a-to-z-guides/low-potassium-hypokalaemia
http://www.webmd.com/food-recipes/features/truth-about-coconut-water

Meals and gratitude #7

Today has been a bit of a disaster *sigh*

I nearly cried when I added up my calories today. Let’s just say that after a very stressful meeting, I was stress-eating those nuts. I think they were gone in a matter of seconds. And I got home late from work and just desperately wanted to eat, but out of stress rather than hunger. And I know I'm still under what I should be eating, but I just wanted to not eat and have control of life again.

I feel disgusting and disappointed in myself, and I know I shouldn't. I know I'm tired and stressed and these are the perfect conditions for negative thoughts to thrive. And you know what? What I ate was pretty healthy. Again, a bit too heavy on the fats but it could have been worse. And tomorrow I'll wake up, eat healthy and reset. These thoughts shouldn't affect us. My day's been rubbish - why should I let it affect me any more than it already has by letting it me to damaging things to my body and feel rubbish?

Exercise

I did some beginner’s yoga this morning and totalled 8,900 steps. 

Gratitude

Even today I can find things I'm grateful for: 

- That I’m home and tomorrow I’m on leave :)

- I got a follow-up blood test to check that my iron and B12 levels have improved booked

- My bus getting me to the train station seconds before my train left – that’s an extra half an hour earlier that I’ll be home than if I’d missed it

- Yoga this morning – I’m starting to crave that time of peaceful, non-stressful exercise to wake up to

- Good feedback from my line manager (even after I told him about the disaster of a day I was having!)

How were your Tuesdays? Hopefully better than mine!

E x

The gifts of recovery

Warning: this is the epicest of epic reads. But please stick with it: I found it useful, and I'm sure you will too!

Tomorrow I have a call with a company offering private therapy for disordered eating. Before I get any help, I really want to be clear in my head all the reasons why I'm doing this. Why exactly do I want to recover? I’ve found the last few days quite tough, having negative and disordered thoughts, and feeling the urge to skip meals and minimise my eating.I know times like that are going to keep happening throughout recovery, and probably for the rest of my life (every woman has moments of self-doubt!) and I need my reasons for getting better to be screaming over the top of those negative thoughts. 

Source

So here is why I want to get better and what I hope to achieve through recovery - every one of us will have our own individual and special  reasons, otherwise we'd all just follow a recovery text book:

-         1)  Re-evaluation of what’s important in life: I want to get my life back and be able to focus on things other than just the amount of calories I’m eating, how much fat I can feel on my arms, whether I look smaller or larger than every other person in the history of the world (the list goes on). I want to be able to think about the things that ARE important in life: loved ones, living life to the full, enjoying everything there is to offer, and offering everything I have to give. 

2) Become the person I’m meant to be: When you’re so preoccupied with food and body image you are not giving yourself the space to be able to grow and do all the amazing things that you’re able to do. Whether it’s to progress in your career, sustain meaningful relationships, or just being present enough in life to smile at a passing stranger. All of those things are being denied to us by thinking about food.

3) Give my family back the person they’re missing: Recently my Mum said that I had not been the Emma they know and love for many years. Here I am thinking that I’m trying to be the best version of myself, and actually to my family and loved ones I’m doing the opposite. The best version of me was wasting away, not just the physical me, everything about me. I don’t want them to feel like they’ve lost their daughter anymore.

4) Improved relationships: Not only have I taken away someone that my family once knew, but I have lost and damaged many relationships. I want to try and regain some of those previous friendships, be better at the ones I currently have, and not curse any future friendships.

5) More energy: When I got anaemic people were so surprised at how well I coped without having any energy. And it’s because at the worst of my disordered eating I felt that lethargic all the time. I was used to it! But the difference I notice just between eating 600 and 1,000kcal is amazing – I feel like I could spend the entire day running! Imagine how good that would be if I was eating how much I actually should be eating!

6) Better work: There are times when I can’t focus, am preoccupied by eating thoughts, or make stupid decisions at work as a result of my disordered eating. Getting over this is a sure-fire way of doing a better job for my company.

7) More self-esteem and improved body image: I’m not sure how easy this will be, as obviously I’m going to put  on weight and changing my thoughts about myself may be tricky. Learning to love yourself takes time, but I will get there eventually!

8) Getting in the kitchen: I’m often scared to get in the kitchen and cook a proper meal, or restrict myself to certain recipes which I know are low calorie. Yet I love being in the kitchen, particularly baking! I want to be able to do something I enjoy without feeling guilty, and learn new recipes that are going to nourish my body.

9) Trying new foods: Similar to the above, there are certain foods or meals that I would avoid due to thinking of them as high calorie. But I could be missing out on the yummiest dishes ever!

10) Going with the flow and being more relaxed: With food I am so rigid. It needs to be something I know, that fits into my calorie allowance – anything unexpected freaks me out. And this often makes what I do in the day quite rigid and planned. What about if I fancy changing my meal at the last minute, or I randomly decide to go out for dinner? No siree, not unless I want to spiral into panic.

11) Avoid sending damaging messages to others: I often forget that people observe what I’m doing and either compare what they eat to what I'm eating, or think what I’m doing is healthy. IT’S NOT! And I don’t want to be the reason others start eating like me.

12) Intuitive eating: I want to have a normal relationship with food, so that I trust my body to tell me how hungry it is, what it’s craving, and then I eat to fit with that. That’s how we’re naturally meant to be!

13) Stop calorie counting: Man this just takes so much time, and if I’m doing the above I shouldn’t need to be doing this!

14) Being able to go to social situations: Like I said above, I avoid these like the plague as I fear having to eat something, and I just don’t have the self-confidence to feel comfortable around people full stop.

15) Stop binging: Who wanted want to stop this?!

16) NOURISH MY BODY: Get rid of the rubbish, processed, nutritionally-empty foods and eat foods and nutrients that my body actually needs! Hopefully this will help with some of the following problems:

 - Acne

 - Dry skin

 - Fungal nail infection

 - Improved circulation/ less Raynaud's syndrome symptoms

 - Stronger hair/less breakages

 - Digestion/ being more "regular"/ reducing bloating

 - Improved sleep

 - Anaemia and B12 full recovery 

 - Stronger nails

 - Proper and regular periods

 - Less cellulite caused by metabolic damage (and better metabolism generally) 

And what arguments do I have to continue with disordered eating? Well:

Source

1) I might get thinner than everyone else - and look like a skeleton

2) It might show I can exercise self-control and also gives me control over something in an unpredictable world - but surely seeking help is me gaining control over a disorder that might make me think I'm in control, but actually is controlling me?

3) People might be impressed – really?! Impressed by me looking ill and having the wrong values in life?!

4) Clothes will look better – you can look good in clothes whatever your shape. It’s all about dressing for your body shape and wearing the clothes with self-confidence

5) Be the best that I can be – as explained above, I can’t do this when my thoughts and efforts are so focused on eating

6) My disordered eating defines me. Who will I be without it? – We are all so much than what we eat! Those of us with disordered eating may feel like us and our eating are one, but disordered eating is a parasite which eats away at our personalities. But get rid of the disordered eating, and we get ourselves and more back!

So, not only do the number of reasons for wanting to get better far outweigh the reasons I would want to stay ill, but the reasons for maintaining my disordered eating don’t even make sense! And I bet if every one of us sat down and wrote down all the reasons we should stop worrying about our weight, and all the reasons to keep on obsessing, then you’d all find the same things. Try it, and I bet it will revolutionise your thinking, and may also help you stay strong through recovery.

I know I now feel more confident going into this call tomorrow, and sure that I’m making the right decision seeking this help :)

Source

Hope you all have great days!

E x