I'm writing this on a super shaky sugar high. I always promised to be honest on this blog, and this is pretty much what you're going to get in this post. No, I'm not sat at the point where I'm so stuffed I'm clutching my stomach in agony, but this has been the worst binge in a few weeks.
I always struggle when I'm not in control of my eating. Often I go to my boyfriend's at the weekend, and our eats are a compromise to us both. He eats Quorn (he's a meat-eater) which is so good of him, and I eat foods that I wouldn't normally choose: bread with lots of additives, peanut butter with hydrogenated oils and sugar, Quorn which is a far cry from unprocessed, we go out for lunch, I eat dairy...I'm very much out of my comfort zone. I firstly want to point out that this is not my boyfriend's fault at all! He's amazing at providing foods that I feel comfortable with, he never forces me to eat out, and, well if you knew him you'd know that him offering to go without meat is a big deal! As I said, amazing!
I just eat weird foods, and I'm not going to ask him to eat those things, nor buy them (come on, Quorn is enough!). But eating the foods I mentioned leaves me feeling a failure, edgy (probably all the sugar I'm getting that I'm not used to) and even though the quantities I'm eating are not huge it makes me feel like I might as well just shove it and stuff my face. Which is what I do when noone's looking. Plus I do things like stop off at Whole Foods on my way back home from his, with the intention of buying some coconut yoghurt. Instead I bought cookies and crisps, and completely forgot about the yoghurt. I've eaten bars of chocolate, crackers...the list goes on.
What makes it worse is that this week I was so proud of my eating. I ate foods that made me feel good, for the first time in ages I didn't feel bloated or sluggish, I was eating a little bit more and not caring. And look at me now. I'm physically shaking, feel bloated and my mind's fuzzy, I'm racked with guilt and disgust.
This is something that frequently happens when I go to my boyfriend's, which often creates this weekly binging cycle. Often I go to work on Monday (or in this case a Tuesday) feeling sluggish, having digestive discomfort, and not wanting to communicate with my colleagues because I want to be alone away from society.
And what adds to all the negativity?! I'm meant to be keeping a food diary for the therapist. And the first days she's going to see are me binging and showing self control. I'm not going to lie to her - how will that help me in the long run? But I dread looking in to her eyes and discussing it.
But this is why I'm seeking help. I binge like this because I restrict myself from eating foods I want to. We need to eat foods we want, even if it's something we feel is "unhealthy", as otherwise binging happens. We also need to get rid of the negative thoughts, put the bad eating to one side, and move back to our healthy selves. Beating ourselves up is not going to undo what we've done, nor make us feel better, so why do it?
So, leaving that all behind...what are the positives of my weekend?
I spent a whole 3 days with my boyfriend! With me working away from home most of the week this happens so rarely. We had a pretty chilled out weekend, which was actually just what I needed after the stresses of last week (I normally hate doing nothing!). Saturday we just relaxed, and I dragged him to the shops to look at hats for the garden party. I didn't end up getting anything, but it was necessary just for me to get fed up of looking at hats and make the decision that anything I can get online will do! Otherwise I'll still be traipsing round looking for the perfect hat on the day of the garden party. We went out for lunch at Pizza Express (we go there so often the waiters know us...and we probably also know far too much about them. But I actually really like getting such a friendly greeting and that personal touch when you go to a restaurant!). Pizza Express has become my "eating out location of safety". They have their leggera menu which is all low calorie, and their nutritional information is online. Therefore I know what I'm eating, and have my safe choices so that I feel calm and unstressed eating out. And to be honest, their superfood leggera salad is AMAZING! It's the biggest plate of yumminess you'll ever see.Still, I want to get to a place where I can eat one of their normal pizzas (some of them sound soooo good) without panicking or feeling guilty. One pizza is not going to harm me!
Sunday I got out for a fab 3 mile run first thing. At one point I was doing 8.30min mile pace, which I jumped for joy at...and then quickly put a stop to when I realised that it would kill me before the run was up.
There was a very awkward 10 minutes or so when I suddenly was being followed by a running group. They were right on my tail (boy did they force me to keep pace), and I wasn't sure whether I felt like the pied paper or like I was being chased. I was a bit scared that if I turned round, these guys would be following me:
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As I said, a good reason to keep pace!
Wandered round the local common in the afternoon to make the most of the sunny spells and to get some fresh air.
Otherwise Saturday and Sunday were spent watching films (Sideways is a good one if you want a light hearted comedy!) and reruns of various TV series.
Today me and my boyfriend spent the morning looking at holidays in places like this:
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We've been on city breaks together, but this year we thought we'd treat ourselves to something extra special as my boyfriend has access to some good deals. I never thought I'd be going to somewhere like this ever!
I also finally went and picked up a mobile phone that works! I broke my Samsung S3 after taking it running a couple of months ago, and have been hoping (rather stupidly!) that the situation would just resolve itself. Of course it didn't, and rather than upgrading early which would have cost a fortune, I just bought a temporary smart phone which would see me through the next few months. So hopefully I'll be a bit more connected now to Twitter, Instagram etc.! I'm unbelievably excited!
Anyway if you're not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow, or the weather's getting you down (although secretly I quite liked this rainy weather - gives you a good excuse to snuggle down in a coffee shop and watch the world go by!) then hopefully the following will help you. I know I need a bit of motivation to pick me up off the horrible eating floor.
This song came on my MP3 player on Wednesday morning. The sun was out, I was off work, and everything just felt so good!
I love this quote. It makes me see each day the same as opening a present. There's so many new possibilities in each and every day.
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The rest of the week down here in London is going to be a bit pants in terms of weather. This chili recipe from the amazing Kathy at Healthy Happy Life looks so warming and lovely, and will pack you full of yummy plant power goodness :) Plus anything that is speedy to make is my friend!
Hope your weeks get off to a good start!
Did you have exciting weekends?
E x
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