Make a new ending

Hi all!

Just wanted to drop in super quickly this Autumnal Friday morning (urgh, dark mornings already) as I'm up early to get out for a quick walk and to get on with packing for the move tomorrow.

There's something about moving that gives a feeling of a fresh start (especially in September!).

I found this quote and it felt so applicable to me right now. All my eating issues have happened, and I have wasted quite a lot of my life as a result of that and the self-esteem issues that we all have. Sometimes it feels like my life will always be defined by these things. However whatever mistakes we've made in the past don't have to be mistakes that we keep on making.

So decide who you want to be, and realise that that CAN be your new ending.

Have a great Friday and an even better weekend lovelies!

What would your ending be?

E xxx

We are mountains

Sometimes (actually, far more regularly than just “sometimes”) my therapist says something that makes me go “woah, YES”. She puts things into a way that I have never comprehended. For that second, life all fits together and I feel STRONG. I can overcome my problems.

There are two related things she’s said recently. The first was that thought patterns and behaviours are just habits, and habits can be changed. The second was that thoughts to us are what weather are to mountains (go with me on this one!).

She’s totally right!

How many of us think changing a bad habit is achievable? Most of us, right? Sure, it’s going to be hard, a long process, and a bit of a pain, but it’s possible! If our eating behaviours are just habits, then we can change these in exactly the same way. For some reason I’d never thought of all of my problems as habits. I saw them as cemented to me and my being, refusing to be moved without completely changing myself. That's so far from the truth.

Her second point about us being mountains and our thoughts being the weather started off with a visualisation exercise. I was told to visualise a mountain, strong, unmovable, rooted to the ground. The mountain stands there no matter what the weather throws at it: it's defiant and strong. I then was told to bring the mountain inside of myself, to feel rooted to the ground to see the weather changing around me, just like the thoughts that come and pass over us. Sometimes they’re dark like clouds; sometimes they beat us up like the wind; and sometimes they bring us happiness and warm our souls like the sun. But they always pass and throughout we are the strong, rooted person.

We have to remember that our brains are not static. We learn, we forget, we can change ourselves. We can learn not to think badly about ourselves, we can learn not to mess around with our eating, we can learn to have a good relationship with food. These are all good habits that we can learn and we will also unlearn our bad habits. If we were not capable of this we’d all still be wearing nappies, we'd never would say please and thank you, and we'd never would look before crossing the road.

And whilst we work to try and change our habits, we need to remember that thoughts are only a minor part of us. Our thoughts are fleeting and can go as quickly as they come. Yes they can be painful and cause us damage, but they can equally be uplifting and make us feel thankful to be alive. We have the control as to how much our thoughts affect us:  we can draw our awareness to them and simply watch as they pass on. We do not have to try and bury our thoughts, or dwell on them, or let them dictate our emotion.

We are mountains, and we are strong and unbreakable.

Weekend roundup - can I pack the cat?

Hi all! Hope you had a good weekend and are looking forward to getting your weeks started.

I crammed a lot in to the last couple of days. Priority number one was getting as much of my stuff packed up as possible ready for next weekend's move (the tenancy agreement's all signed and deposit's paid so it's actually happening!). I mostly succeeded, though there's quite a bit still to do.

I'm wondering whether anyone will notice if I sneak the cat in.

Part of packing included me going through my wardrobe to throw out what no longer fits. I cried, alot. It was hard to find that clothes that I'd fitted in to for years now wouldn't do up or squeeze over my thighs. However, something I did do which I've never done before was throw those clothes straight on the "out" pile. Normally they'd have gone in the "keep" pile ready for when I'd slimmed back down. It's finally starting to sink in that that was not my natural size...and I'm never going to be that size again. Such a change in my thought pattern.

Yesterday also consisted of getting my hair cut (for the first time in about 7 months...oh the shame). I kept it safe as it was a new hairdresser, but kinda wished I'd done something a bit different. Next time.

My hair was poker straight when I came out of the hairdresser's. 10 minutes later and it already had kinks in it....

I refuelled with Whole Foods.

Those Rebel Mylk drinks are the shizz. Coconut milk base, sweetened with dates, and totally yum.

On Sunday I managed some form of exercise without too much of a negative impact on my stupid foot injury. I started off with this yoga workout from Tara Lee. It's pretty much the lowest intensity you could ask for, but makes you feel really connected with yourself and surroundings and was exactly what I was needing.

I also went out to the monthly Kew Market and then walked along the river to Richmond. I needed to get away from the house where I'd probably end up mindlessly eating. It was a stunning day and to reward myself for getting out in the beauty I rewarded myself with a Nakd bar and Pret. It was the perfect way to end the weekend.

What was the highlight of your weekend?

E xxx

September goals

How is it September already?!

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I was dreading September. The dark mornings, lack of sunshine, cooler weather, the pressures of every one being back at work after the holidays.

However I've actually really liked the fresh feeling of a new start that September brings. And whilst the Christmas chocolates in the supermarkets are a step too far at this point (seriously Tesco?!), I'm excited for the baggy jumpers, cosy coats, coffee shop dates after work when it's dark, beautiful amber trees...all the lovely things Autumn and Winter bring.

I wanted to set some goals for September. Normally I feel the pressure to do everything all in one go: I'm an all or nothing kind of person. And I used to thrive on that approach (hello successful disordered eating history), but not anymore. Now I'm constantly riddled by the feeling of failure. So let's make some smaller, bite size, achievable goals.

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3 health and fitness goals:

• Get my foot healed and pick back up the running. I'm totally feeling the desire to train for a half marathon again, but let's not get ahead of myself. My injury's put me out of action for some time, so I doubt I'll even be able to run a 5k!
• Eat my 5 a day. I know it's a simple one, but it's something I'm failing miserably at the moment. I've taken eating more as an excuse to eat a lot of crap, which has probably been necessary to get everything I've restricted in the past out in the open, but I'm feeling awful. Give me nutrients!
• Wean myself off the gluten. My dietitian recommended that I get tested for coeliac's on the off chance it had caused my anaemia and B12 deficiency. Unfortunately for that I've had to eat bread for the last few weeks to make sure the antibodies, if I do have coeliac's, are in my blood system. And doing this has given me brain fog, stomach ache, and general feelings of blah. I've got my blood test tomorrow, then just need to wait for the results, but not long til I can ease up on the gluten intake! The problem is that toast is one of my favourite foods, so it's going to be a battle of brain over heart to stop eating as much of it.

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3 life goals:

• Move into the new flat! Me and my boyfriend are moving in together next weekend and I am beyond excited. I'm excited for getting to see him all the time (when I'm not away with work at least), excited for living somewhere we can really make feel like home, and excited for not living in a shoebox. What I'm not excited for is lugging all of our stuff up 3 flights of stairs.
• Walks along the river. We'll be living closer to the Thames in the new flat, and I want to use this an excuse for some after-work and weekend walks as the leaves turn.
• Do daily mindfulness. My therapist got me doing a mountain visualisation (I'll talk about it in a future post) and it is seriously helping me out during tough times. I need to keep practising this daily to make sure the thought patterns involved stick.

What are your goals for September?

E xxx

Those photos

So a few days ago I posted these pictures. When I first saw these each one made me feel a whole wealth of negative emotions. (Please bear in mind this was my "disordered, not seeing my body realistically" head on. I'm not saying people of this weight are in any way "large").

There was disgust, regret, horror, shock, self-hatred…and sorrow that my Mum’s friends would see me and think how their friend’s daughter had piled on some pounds.

This last emotion took me by surprise, I’m not going to lie.

I went through many years of not having photos taken because I didn’t want people to have a reminder of what I looked like. I would detag any photos that were taken and posted on Facebook because I didn’t want anyone to see them. But that was all within my field of friends – people who knew me well, and whose judgements would impact on me directly.

This was something different. My feelings were concern for my Mum: what her friends would think of her family, or rather her daughter. I know how parents are proud of their family, and that to some respect there is competition between friends and acquaintances as to who has the most successful family (just a point: this is not something my Mum has ever made me feel, more that this is something I’ve observed just generally). My brothers have turned out to be very sensible (in most ways), kind and thoughtful (though sometimes not to their big sis) and good looking (who’d have thought?!) individuals. To me the photos showed a happy collection of people, all who have their lives and s*** together…and then there’s me. Someone who is happy to let their figure slip (or so appears) and look a mess. That's how my Mum's friends would perceive me, and I felt that for some reason that would cause them to reflect negatively on my Mum. Ridiculous no?!

Writing Monday’s post helped me sort my head out. It helped me to rationalise my thoughts, remember the bigger picture, and get over myself. Seeing those photos brought a whole host of emotions, and identified new thought patterns for me to work to change. It made me realise how much I want to make my Mum proud. But on reflection I realised the way to make my Mum proud was not through the superficial achievement of being the skinniest daughter amongst her group of friends, but by recovering and leading the life they envisioned me having: a carefree, happy, and healthy life. 

And isn't that the life we should all envision for ourselves?

 

Source

 

E xxx

Restaurant review: RAW at La Suite West

Saturday was mine and my boyfriend’s three year anniversary. It didn’t get off to the best start, when my boyfriend bit into his pain au chocolat that I’d lovingly bought him to find maggots dropping out. Way to say “I love you”.

However the culinary moments of the day definitely ended on a high when I found out he’d booked for us to go to RAW at La Suite West in Bayswater for dinner. He’s made some pretty big sacrifices for me in the past, but coming to a vegan/partly raw restaurant is definitely up amongst them – no nicely cooked steaks here (though there was at least Coca Cola...).

And holy cow this place was inspiring!

 

From the alcohol-free drinks list (including the RAW smoothie which is THE yummiest drink to ever have graced my lips) to the 50% raw menu, it really highlighted how vegan food (and getting your 5 a day) could not only be downright delicious, but also jaw-droppingly beautiful.

 

 

I had the pumpkin soufflé to start which looked so stunning that I could have forgotten about eating it and just stared at it all night. However, just for the record, it tasted just as good as it looked. The “soufflé” was made of layers of delicate pumpkin and mushroom and was served with a sesame-herb emulsion which was So. Good. My boyfriend had the beetroot falafels with a thai BBQ sauce. These were also ridiculously yummy.

 

 

For main I had the raw zucchini tagliatelli almond and coconut pad-thai. I’m always a bit dubious about how satisfying I’ll find a small dish of raw vegetables, but this was both delicious and filling. What I would do for the recipe for the coconut sauce it was in! It’s not your traditional pad thai, but it was super good. The boyfriend had a mushroom and quinoa burger in a sweet potato bun. The burger was actually basically the same as the falafel (containing beetroot) so was obviously still good but I think he found it a bit repetitive, but the bread was amazing.

 

 

For dessert we shared the raw cacao and ginger cookies. These were good, but probably the only think I felt disappointed by (probably because the rest of the meal had been so insanely good) as they lacked a bit of flavour.

The service was excellent with it being attentive but not obtrusive. The atmosphere was quite subdued, with the restaurant being fairly quiet for a Saturday night. I quite liked it not being so busy but if you like a “buzz” you might have felt something was missing (though I recommend you go at least for the food!). Price-wise the main courses were pretty reasonable (about £12), and the drinks, whilst some were expensive (my smoothie was £6.50), were totally worth the price. The starters (£8-9) and the desserts (£6-8) were a bit more on the pricy side though.

So all in all, I loved this place! Not only was the food great, I left feeling I’d had a truly healthy eating out experience which was great. The restaurant also does an afternoon tea: I’m currently searching for any excuse to give it a go!

It turns out recovery is hard...

My feelings over the last couple of months have gone something like this:

"Oh my God life's freaking awesome and I'm eating and not thinking about calories and wow food and eating is amazing"

to

 

"Yeah so I'm not eating that healthily, and yeah, I'm not as toned as before, but heck, who cares - imperfections make us who we are"

 

to

 

 

"Woah, there nelly, I've got as much blubber as a walrus"

Photos were the catalyst of this last one. I knew I was piling on a bit of extra fat (well, duh, I'm eating more) but my Mum put some photos up on Facebook of some recent family events (just for the record, family events that I LOVED because I was able to join in, not care about eating or drinking, and for once be relaxed and enjoy the event). However the photos made me cry, shudder, and immediately contemplate fasting, juice cleansing, restricting, food group elimination, excessive exercising...the usual.

These were some of the photo culprits:

My initial thoughts on these photos:
Image on the left: Well hello there thunder thighs, and wow your arm's looking chunky
Image on the top right: Your hips are humongous and, erm, are you pregnant?!
Image on the bottom right: Are you hoarding food in those hamster cheeks? Oh, and by the way, your arm's obese.

Talk about some self-loathing.

Let's take another look. Firstly, I AM NOT OBESE. After the initial shock of looking so much bigger than I was, I realised I was not fat. Hell, I know some people work there backsides off to get down to this weight.

Image on the left: this is not a flattering photo. You did not know it was being taken. Those are your muscular runner's legs, those are your legs that can make you feel like you're flying. They're also in jeans that are now too small, and too tight clothes are never looking flattering. Maybe let's splash out on some new clothes to suit my curvier, healthier body yes? Oh, and how about looking at your other arm which is at a slightly less unflattering angle?
Image on the top right: again, that shadowing is not flattering. And yeah, you're tummy's a bit chunkier. But some of that is muscle from all those sit-ups you do. You also messed up your digestion from all that restrictive eating, so sometimes you get bloated. Eating more's the only way to cure this. (And look at that genuinely happy smile on your face - you're loving life right there).
Image on the bottom right: remember those push ups you do every day...that might have something to do with your arm size. Also remember how much you love feeling strong. As for your cheeks, unfortunately you weren't blessed with strong cheek bones and dimples - you're going to have to learn those cheeks.

And remember how happy you felt in each and every one of those photos. That's worth every extra inch of fat on your body in those photos.

So yeah, it turns out recovery is hard. But you've just got to remember to dig out that voice of self-love when it gets a bit dark. You're stronger than those negative thoughts.