Friday favourites #4

Hi everyone!

The weekend's in sight :)

Here are some of my favourite articles from this last week. Hope you enjoy them!

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 If you're not questioning the scales yet, here's another article to make you question their worth

I've never understood why people go for Mars bars over Snickers. Snickers have everything that Mars bars do PLUS nuts! These healthy alternatives look amazing!

Yet another cracker from the Real Life RD on stress and weight.

Why we shouldn't automatically hate size zeros.

Have a great day!

E x

Thursday thoughts: lying

Hi all!

Hope you're all doing ok :)

For this week's Thursday thoughts I wanted to talk about the lying and secretive behaviour that tends to come with disordered eating.

For me there are 3 aspects to lying:

- lying about having eaten when you haven't
- lying/hiding food that you've binged on
- lying about being bothered by food

Lying about having eaten when you haven't

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 Wow, the things I would do to avoid having to eat a proper meal, normally out at a restaurant or at a friend's: "I've already eaten", "I've got leftovers to eat which will go off otherwise", "my flatmates are cooking me dinner", "I'm not feeling well". I think the best was a recent one where I wanted to get out of going for dinner with colleagues, and I told them I had to help my Mum with her tax return. All would be complete lies. I told people that my doctor had suggested I don't eat wheat or dairy because I might have food allergies and therefore it was easier for me to eat at home. I hadn't been to the doctor's in years!

At Christmas or birthdays I would (and still do) often throw away most of the chocolates and food I get given, and then pretend I'd eaten them. "They were so delicious". Early on when my parents would occasionally still buy me the odd chocolate bar I would eat a bite, and then hide it under all the other rubbish in the bin.

I've never been someone who's taken food off my plate at the dinner table and hidden it, but I know that this is another common way of avoiding food.

I know I've been at points where I would literally say anything to avoid having to eat a meal. And I'd lie my butt off to avoid anyone finding out I hadn't been eating enough.

Lying about having binged

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Lying maybe isn't the word, although the first time my boyfriend asked me whether I binged I did say no. I couldn't face him picturing me eating in that way. But on the whole, it's more secretive. For me, the perfect binge was when I knew there was no one at home and I could sneak to the shop, buy a (sometimes trolley) load of food, lug it back to the house, sit in my bed and shove the food in my mouth. I would then put any leftover food and wrappers in a bag (normally the next morning after I'd passed out in a sugar coma/been in so much pain from being full that I couldn't move) and wait until bin day to put them in the wheelie bin. I couldn't risk them seeing all the wrappers.

And if I couldn't get out to the shops, I would eat whatever food was in the house. My parents would wonder where an entire box of cereal had gone, or I'd have to go out and replace the box of my flatmate's bicuits or loaf of bread I'd eaten before they got back.

Very few people know that I binge: my boyfriend does now, as does my Mum...and then my therapist. But other than my therapist I've never discussed it in any depth. I once wrote my boyfriend a letter to try and explain it as I couldn't face talking to him face-to-face about it, and I'd lied so many times to him that the reason I couldn't meet him was because I was tired/had bad period pains/had too much work to do, when in fact I'd binged and could do nothing but huddle up in a ball in my bed.

A binge represents to us everything that we feel we shouldn't be: greedy, obese, no self control.

However what if that binge actually represents everything that makes us human: we binge because we're starving ourselves, we've found a way to deal with the stress in life, our brains are naturally wired to find certain foods addictive.

That doesn't mean we should keep binging, but we shouldn't be ashamed or secretive of it. It's our bodies' cry for help, and rather than sweeping it under the carpet we need to face it head on, discuss it, and learn from it.

Lying about being bothered by food 

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I thought that image summed this up nicely. In my head, the way we should be outwardly presenting to the world is that we hate food. We can do without it. We don't need food for happiness, energy, enjoyment. Our LIVES were more important - all the exciting experiences and achievements we were creating every day.

At the same time, though, if a friend would be waxing lyrical about how cake made the world go round, I would agree, say how much I would love a piece of cake right now. Even though if she'd presented me with a piece of cake I wouldn't have wanted to eat it!

I'll rave about a restaurant that I've been too, even if I only ate a 1/4 of the dish.

I will never tell anyone that I spend all my time thinking about food, counting up my predicted calories for the day, dreaming about chocolate cake.

I will never admit that when someone else is eating something I've denied myself I can't look them in the eye as they eat, as I'm so focussed on the plate of food in front of them. My eyes feel glued to it.

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So, we lie to the people who we love, the most important people in the world to us, all so we can try and drop some pounds.

When put that way it sounds ridiculous, right? But in our heads all logic and rational thought gets removed.

Something I'm already learning from seeing the therapist is that I have to be honest. No matter how awful what I've done sounds, or how scared I am of putting on weight, I have to tell the truth. If she doesn't know something about me, she can't treat it, and therefore I'm never going to get better.

So let's cast any fears of the results of being honest aside, and remember our fear for if we continue with the alternative. We are strong individuals, and we can get better. We can live a life where we're not caught in a tangled web of lies and deceit, where we're not thinking on our feet to find an excuse for a certain social occasion.

Mental health issues are not something to be ashamed of, nor to try and run away from. Face your problems head on, speak up about your issues, and start on your road to recovery :)

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What have you done to overcome lying? How does lying make you feel?

E x

WIAW: Vitamin B12

Hi everyone!

Half way through the week :)

Today I wanted my What I Ate Wednesday to focus on B12.

A couple of months ago I was diagnosed with a B12 deficiency which had caused me all kind of trouble!

B12 is important in creating iron and therefore red blood cells and helping growth. It also plays a vital part in helping the eyes, brain and nervous system functioning properly - and it helps grow our DNA!

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Having a B12 deficiency can lead to some significant side effects. Not only can it cause anaemia, which will leave you feeling tired, light headed and out of breath, but it can also cause mouth ulcers, an altered sense of touch and response to pain, and disturbed vision. However for me the biggest effects were on my mood: it can cause depression and irritability. My mood dropped, I was feeling anxious about anything and everything, was having panic attacks...and generally just wanted life to give me a break.

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B12 levels are easily tested through blood tests, and (provided the cause is just a dietary deficiency) easily treated through a series of injections over the course of a couple of weeks. And what's best is that the impact can be really quick!

My experience of B12 deficiency was a real eye-opener as to just how significant good nutrition is not only for our physical wellbeing, but also for our mental wellbeing.

The recommended daily intake of B12 is 1.5mg, but the liver also stores around 3-4mg of B12 , which would be sufficient for 3-4 years. Nevertheless, we need to keep ourselves topped up. The best sources are:

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Sardines = 8.1mg for a little over 3oz
Salmon - 5.7mg for 4oz
Lamb = 2.5mg for 4oz
Beef = 1.4mg for 4 oz

So you can see that if you eat meat and fish you can easily cover your RDA. But what about if you're vegetarian?

Yoghurt = 0.9mg per cup
Eggs = 0.6mg per egg
Cows' milk = 0.6mg per 4oz
Cheese = 0.2mg per 1oz

Therefore vegetarians have to be a bit more aware of their B12 intake, but it's still possible to keep it topped up.

For vegans, however, it is almost impossible. There are fortified cereals (often full of additives) and soya milks which have B12 added, and nutritional yeast can also be fortified with B12. However it is incredibly difficult to meet your goals, and easy to become deficient over a period of time. Therefore vegans are advised to take a B12 supplement. As I eat a predominantly vegan diet, I started taking a B12 supplement I picked up form Holland and Barrett. It contains 20,000% of what I need - so I'm thinking I've got this one covered!

I honestly can't stress enough how important it is to ensure you're getting enough nutritional value from your food. I can't put into words how low and distant I felt when I was deficient. It's certainly spurred me on to make sure I eat the right amounts and variety of foods to ensure I get the correct nutrient profile I need :)


However...today's WIAW hasn't been great. I can't even do you a calorie breakdown, as I can't remember everything I ate, but it involved a lot.

Breakfast started off healthily with this:

There was a lot of peanut butter with that. (No real B12 source here, but I had my supplement first thing).

Then lunch was this salad with flaxseed and soya tortilla crisps and some protein bread I'd made (which had eggs - bonus for the B12!).

Work was being pretty stressful today, and I wanted to avoid it by eating. So I started off by eating the rest of the tortilla chips, then a lot of bread, and a lot of peanut butter...and then went to the shops and bought potato wedges, crisps, a pack of 5 cookies...all gone.

So I'm estimating around 3,000 kcal, maybe more :(

This is the first time I've eaten that quantity of food for a long time, and I was feeling so good about my eating on the whole this week. So stupid.

E x

Sources

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Anaemia-vitamin-B12-and-folate-deficiency/Pages/Symptoms.aspxhttp://www.webmd.com/food-recipes/guide/vitamin-b12-deficiency-symptoms-causeshttp://www.whfoods.com/genpage.php?tname=nutrient&dbid=107
http://www.webmd.boots.com/healthy-eating/guide/vitamin-b12-deficiency
https://www.vegsoc.org/B12 

I didn't know myself as well as I thought

Hi everyone!

Hope your weeks are off to a good start.

Today I wanted to talk through some of the things my therapist had picked up from our first weekly session. I thought this might help anyone wondering whether to go to therapy, as hopefully it will make it less scary (!), and also I think some of the things my therapist will pick up on with me will be relevant to a number of people, disordered eaters or not :) I thought I knew myself pretty well, but she pointed out a few things that really resonated that I'd never noticed before.

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I was super nervous about this first session. I didn't know what to expect, and I'd had a really bad few days of eating which I thought we'd have to analyse in great detail. I was so nervous I almost didn't go...

But I'm so glad I did.

One of the things that I'd been asked to complete in advance of the session was a food diary for a few days. It was relatively simple, and asked you to log:

- The time you ate
- What you ate, and quantities (doesn't ask you to go into calories or anything - just asks for a rough estimate)
- Where and who you ate the food with
- How hungry you felt on a scale of 1-5
- Your mood beforehand
- Whether you purged in any way
- Comments and thoughts afterwards

I actually found this really useful - I've never really sat down and analysed my mood before and after eating, and I don't really use hunger signals to judge whether I should eat or not. Identifying feelings makes you realise sometimes it's not just negative emotions you feel, and hopefully over time patterns will start to emerge as to specific eating behaviours/situations and emotions.

My therapist picked up on a few things from my food diary:

- I leave it quite a long time to eat after I've got up - mostly this is due to me exercising first, which she's fine with, but there are times I'll put off eating for as long as possible
- Quite often there are no distinct meals, just constant snacking
- I was eating a lot of sugary foods on my "binge" days
- I wasn't eating enough - which she was obviously aware of any way
- I wasn't rating myself as particularly hungry

I'd never really thought about how late I leave it to eat in the mornings, and I'd never really realised how to an outsider I don't appear to be having any definable meals. And the fact that she said that I wasn't eating enough on days I considered myself as binging was a) mind blowing and b) scary - that meant I was eventually going to need to be eating heaps by her standards!

The part about not rating myself as hungry was interesting. There are times when I do feel starving, but often, especially at the end of the day, it's kind of a numb feeling to food. Or I just feel bloated. Either way, she said I wasn't feeling as hungry as I should have been. She explained how when we don't eat large enough meals, the stomach muscle can weaken, and it becomes less effective at pushing the food through the digestive system. This can sometimes explain why we feel bloated and less hungry. 

I'd also been asked to complete a lifestyle assessment, which asked a whole range of questions. A few things she raised from that was:

- I rate my relationships with my family and boyfriend as good, but my friends as poor - apparently it's usually the other way round
- I answered the question "how would I rate myself" on various qualities by thinking of what other people would say I was. That wasn't the question!

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Related to this last point is that I very rarely use the word "I" when talking about my feelings. I'll say "you", a
bit like "one". So I'll say "you want to do a good job, so you feel the pressure to provide excellent outcomes", rather than "I want to do a good job, so I'll feel pressure to provide outcomes". She says this is a method we use to detach ourselves from emotions and shirk responsibility.

Another snippet of information she passed on was a write up of the Minnesota starvation study. It's so interesting! It's where they did an experiment to see the effects of starving young men, and shows the effects to their physical and mental health, both during and after the study. The link above is to the BBC write up she gave me, but there's heaps of other information on the web. Most importantly, it suggests that to really recover from any form of disordered eating, you need to be getting sufficient calories right at the start to support the mental aspect of recovery.

So I was given a number of things to work on this week:

Eating proper meals

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I've been ok with this. I find it a lot easier if I'm in a routine and not working from home, but I'm making a conscious effort to keep eating all in one go at a mealtime. I've also been trying to include more carbs other than veg, as she said I wasn't eating enough of these. I've started including brown rice and went for a wholemeal pizza the other day to try and boost this.


Eat earlier in the day

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Whilst my therapist was quite happy for me to exercise before eating if it upset my stomach, I'm trying to make sure I eat as early as possible. For example on Saturday I would normally have gone into town first and then eaten a very late breakfast when I got back, but this time I did the opposite. I think this stems from wanting to leave it as long as possible to eat so that it avoids late morning snacking and helps me feel fuller til later in the day.

Use "I" instead of "you

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This is a tricky one as I don't even notice I'm doing it! However when I have noticed it it's been surprising how hard it is to say "I". It makes you feel so much more vulnerable!

 


It's been amazing how much she picked up that I was unaware of just in 50 minutes. After dealing with my disordered eating for many, many years you'd think you've I thought I'd pretty much analysed myself to death, but an outsider has a whole new view on you me. Obviously I don't think those few things are going to cure me - I imagine there are going to be a lot of months if not years to get me well and truly sorted, but it's nice to be taking steps forward...even if it is terrifying sometimes.

Have you ever kept that kind of food diary?

E x

Meals and gratitude #13

Phew, Monday's out of the way!

I always feel so overwhelmed on Mondays - like I have to do everything I need to do in the week on that one day. Stupid, right?!

My day started off really well eating-wise today. It didn't end great. I feel so stuffed I could explode.

Breakfast was delicious.

Bananas, frozen raspberries, chia seeds, peanut butter and chocolate mush. It also kept me full for ages!

I was still full at lunch time and so felt the desire to snack instead of eating. Ended up eating a chocolate biscuit, a slice of wholemeal toast, a heap of tortilla chips and a salad. I was stuffed, so I don't understand why I kept eating.

During the afternoon I was completely stuffed, but ate a peanut butter dipped date after a call which I was relieved was over (emotional eating much!?) and half a Dairy Milk Marvellous Creations chocolate bar. It's a new banana flavoured one that I'd wanted to try for ages, and I hadn't seen it anywhere. I'd bought it with the intention of leaving it for a day I was hungry...but I got too tempted. Whilst I was annoyed at myself, I did stop at half, and most of my eats today, whilst snacky and sometimes not necessary, were healthy. So I'm going to try and avoid beating myself up about it. Plus I STILL need to increase my calories. I could have eaten the entire chocolate bar and still been under the RDA!

Again, I ate too many different things that it wouldn't do a screenshot properly, so just the overview today. That chocolate bar took that sugar right over - in just half the bar it had 14g!

For exercise I did some yoga this morning and then, after not leaving the house, I did at least manage to walk the 40 minute round trip to Whole Foods...

Gratitude

- Getting the top rating in my mid year performance review at work

- The very friendly assistant in Whole Foods. Friendly = good salesman!

- The sun this morning

- Listening to a bit of a Louis Armstrong this evening :)

Monday motivation #4

Sometimes when faced with a 5 day week after a 4 day week I honestly don't know how I ever managed it...

However technically I'm off on Tuesday for the garden party! Tried my outfit on over the weekend and I'm really not sure about it, but it's too late now. The outfit is only one part of it so I'm not going to let the rest of it be ruined by that.

So, on to some Monday motivation!

This one's a cheesy one, but I felt it was necessary today.

How can you not feel motivated after that! I hope you were prancing around your bedroom boxing it out like I was (don't judge me).

I never read Dr Seuss as a child - I don't know why, no one ever introduced me to it - but now I find Dr Seuss quotes get me through life. As a graduation present I even bought my boyfriend a Dr Seuss book and annotated with all the usual information I thought it brought to life! I just love how they say things so simply, and are so accurate. I love this one - it shows that me have all the things we need in life to have control and direct our lives. So remember that this week when things are feeling a bit crazy!

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I love baking, but in the summer I don't want anything quite as heavy as a triple chocolate fudge cake. Banana bread is perfect, and there are so many variations that you can always find a recipe that is healthy and fits your dietary needs. This one, from the amazing Peachy Palate, is gluten free and vegan :)

Hope your weeks all get off to a great start!

E x

Weekend round-up

Hi guys!

It doesn't seem very long ago since I was doing the last one of these!

Yesterday was pretty tough. I had the worst feelings of self-hate that I've had for some time. Don't know where it came from, but it hit hard. I didn't want to be seen by anyone (I nearly even cancelled plans with my boyfriend) and I just wanted to stop eating. But I'm so much stronger than I was before, so I forced myself to keep going, made sure I walked with good posture and confidence, put some summer tunes on loud, and kept on making healthy food. It wasn't a walk in the park, but doing the opposite would have been pointless.

I still managed to pack a fair bit in over the last couple of days despite me being a bit down.

On Saturday I got up for a long yoga session which felt amazing. The back of my legs and shoulders in particular always feel so tight. I then headed in to Richmond for a bit of a wander in the sunshine with a trip to Whole Foods (obviously!). Picked up a massive tub of Meridian smooth peanut butter, which I just love, and am hoping I make it last and don't just sit there with a spoon one day and eat it all!

In the afternoon I went over to my boyfriend's and took this beautiful face out for a walk. I swear she runs about 10 times the distance we walk! There was a random guy playing the trumpet in the middle of the common, and Millie kept running up to him and barking - poor guy :-/

We spent the rest of the evening watching Big Bang Theory (I LOVE that programme) and other random bits of TV whilst preventing Millie from chewing everything in sight!

Woke up this morning to glorious sunshine and headed out for a 5.5 mile run. The path along the Thames was stunning, but I did nearly melt into a puddle. I looked like a beetroot by the time I got back!

The rest of my day has been super lovely. I went up to the monthly Kew Market this morning and just wandered round looking at all the amazing local businesses.

And there was some cracking live music playing which really added to the atmosphere.

Whilst I was there I nipped into the local village organic wholefoods store, which is just the cutest thing ever, and picked up some flaxseed and soya tortilla chips and some coconut water.

Went and sat on Richmond Green whilst I waited for the boyfriend to arrive and just watched all the super cute families playing (and in some cases throwing frisbees dangerously close to my head!).

Went to Zizzi's for some lunch and had about half of a skinny primavera pizza. I love how they serve them on a wholemeal base with salad :) Afterwards we stretched our legs along the river and made the most of the sunshine.

We also found another little market called the Duck Pond market. It had a great selection of food and craft stalls - was a real little find :)

Finished off with a coffee(/tea for me!) at Costa :)

I've been pretty happy with what I've eaten this weekend! There have been some super yummy breakfasts.

This was frozen banana and raspberries, with homemade chocolate mush, tahini and flaked almonds.

And this was CoYo chocolate coconut yoghurt (I'm seriously addicted), banana, frozen raspberries and peanut butter. One of the yummiest things I've ever eaten!

Have also had a couple of salads.

Both were a combination of spinach, pepper, cucumber, beetroot, chickpeas and tahini dressing. Today I also had the flaxseed and soya tortilla crips which were absolutely amazing!

#30summerdays

Tina and her rather large 39-weeks-and-counting-bump from Carrots 'N' Cake are doing a photo-a-day challenge for the month of June in partnership with Staples. I love having the motivation to get snappy, even if I do just have my phone camera on me, so I thought I'd get involved. For the full list of daily themes head over to the Carrots 'N' Cake blog. I'm excited to see a heap of baby-related photos from her over the next month :)

Today's theme is "Rabbit, rabbit! What brings you good luck?"

For me the number 23 represents good luck. It was my bag number on one of the most exciting trips of my life, features in one of my childhood favourite films (anyone watched Serendipity?! It's the floor they choose in the lift!), was my room number in the hotel I stayed in the night before the interview for my current job. It just makes me feel safe :)



Keep check of my Twitter and Instagram accounts for my daily photos for the challenge, and let me know if you decide to get involved too!

What makes you feel lucky?

Hope you all had lovely weekends :)

E x