Friday, 6 June 2014

Meals and gratitude #14

Hello weekend!

I've been sat in the office today gazing out of the window at the glorious sunshine. If you're down in London like me, how hot is it!? I swear I was walking a bazillion times slower on the way home because it was so hot.

My day started at 5am with an early run. It was glorious! There's something about the peace and quiet, cool air, and the sun waking up that makes it perfect.

I had the usual tahini-dipped date...

...and let's stop there. I was happily writing this post, about to tell you what an AWESOME and IN CONTROL day of eats I'd had. And I just went and ate copious amounts of bread and biscuits. I'd call it a binge - probably well in excess of 1,500 calories in the space of half an hour.

I am seriously angry with myself. But this time I'm angry with myself for a different reason to normal. Usually I'm angry because I'm going to get fat, and I hate myself for demonstrating no self-control. Yes I'm angry with myself for those things, but I'm going to forgive myself. Why? Yesterday in therapy we talked about how binging might be a sign that my body is just craving more food. How even if I'm not hungry, I'm still eating less than my body requires to do all of its basic functions. So no wonder I binge - my body is screaming to eat. Maybe my body is actually showing some authority, controlling me unwillingly to eat?

No, what I'm annoyed about is this: I'm meant to be seeing my boyfriend this evening. I'm not anymore, I just cancelled. I can't be around people when I've just behaved like that and feel like this. So I'm angry because I've messed him around, and because I've deprived myself of something I enjoy. I'm angry because tomorrow I'm not going to feel my best. I'm going to have a sore stomach, I'm going to feel bloated, I'm going to feel tired and anxious. So I'm not going to be fun to be around.

I honestly wish I knew why I binged. Why do I do it when I'm not even tasting the food, when I know I'm going to feel horrible afterwards? It seems to be a lose-lose situation, and I don't know any other point in my life where I put myself in a similar situation.

I'm going to ponder that whilst I'm home alone, feeling annoyed with myself this evening.

I hope you have better evenings! As always, if you have any questions or just want to share something you can always reach me on here or direct message me on Twitter @EatJogGlow

E x

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